WHO: Calix Shaw & Kai Bennett WHAT: Kai practices his death scene and then has a conversation about sexuality with Calix. WHEN: Mid May WHERE: On the set of The Scouring and inside of Kai’s tent. RATING: Mentions of fictional character death.
As the month drew toward a close, Kai was becoming increasingly nervous about the upcoming death scene that would see him mauled by a werewolf. He had given the tail end of the performance to himself in a mirror in his tiny studio flat, staring at himself long enough to give himself a bit of a minor out of body existential crisis. Sometimes, it felt a little too real, like he really was dying in front of his best friend with very limited time to say goodbye to him, to the world. It had been unpleasant enough to make him stop practicing by himself.
Luckily, there were still a couple of weeks left of the shoot before he had to worry about his early exit from the production. Today, he got to work with Calix again, something he had been looking forward to. He found himself missing the presence of the other man while he had been out on sick leave.
When he spotted Cal arriving after going through makeup and wardrobe as Kai just had, he bounded over to him, grinning from ear to ear. “Hey! I missed you. Feeling better?”
It was the beginning of his second week back on set after his surgery, the first week had been filled with reduced hours days, filming the scenes where Fontaine was freshly out of the hospital (ironic) and stuck on desk duty for the majority. This week he’d be getting fully back into action, both on and off the screen. Winding the familiar path through wardrobe, hair and make-up, which took considerably less time than he was used to on Star Ministry, he flicked over the day’s schedule, smiling as he saw Kai’s name on the call sheet.
On cue, he heard the young actor’s voice call out and looked up, smiling brightly as his friend bounced over. “Hey! I am thanks, much better. I was afraid you’d already be wrapped before I got a chance to work with you again, but I’d forgotten about these scenes.” He gestured to his head, “I think my mind was elsewhere. It’s good to see you!”
Kai’s smile widened when Cal told him that he was feeling better. “I’m so glad!” Being sick was no fun. He assumed that it had something to do with what had happened during rehearsal the one time. Something building up over time, though he didn’t want to question him about it. He could be a little nosy, but he knew when to restrain himself.
“Yeah, I’m not dead yet. Soon.” Kai wrinkled his nose and sighed. “I’m having so much trouble getting that scene right. The physicality of it, I mean. I’ve never had to pretend to die before.” Another gusty sigh. “I’m being a killjoy! I’m still here, so excited we’ve still got these scenes left. I’ve really enjoyed working with you. I’ll miss being around here.”
“Thank you,” Calix smiled brightly, “I’m really glad too. You actually saw the beginnings of it during rehearsal. But hopefully you won’t see it again.” He didn’t see why he shouldn’t be honest with Kai as he doubted that the younger actor would gossip about things. Besides, no doubt it would all come out eventually.
He looked sad for a moment, knowing that the storyline involving Kai’s character was a tragic one which would no doubt upset a lot of fans. “Ah, yeah, death scenes are always difficult, especially if it’s your first.” Calix had only had to die on screen a couple of times and one wasn’t a permanent death seeing as his character was the lead. “I can help you out if you’d like?”
Chuckling as Kai called himself a killjoy he shook his head slightly, “nah, you’re good. I’m looking forward to our scenes too. It’ll be a shame when you finish, but maybe they’ll let you be a horse?”
“I figured as much,” Kai admitted. It was good to see Cal smiling, it made him feel like he truly was on the mend. “I hope I won’t see it again, either. It looked like you were in a lot of pain.” He made a show of looking him up and down. “Yup, you look good. Or is it just the makeup?” he joked with a laugh.
His death scene was to be particularly grisly and violent in nature, which made him even more nervous about getting the performance right. “It’s my first for a lot of things on this show. Never done a period piece, never done so many action sequences, never had to die. It’s been such fun but I do want to nail my last scene if I can.” He perked up at the idea of getting help from a seasoned actor. “Oh, that would be brilliant if you could!!”
He laughed along with Calix. “If only they would! I haven’t been asked yet, so I doubt it, but it would be kinda cool if Fischer’s spirit kinda kept showing up as a white horse somehow. Or if they need a reliable horse with the guarantee no one will be bucked off, bit, or kicked!”
“I was, honestly. So it’s a relief knowing it won’t ever be that bad again. Thank you for sitting with me that time, it really helped.” Chuckling at the overly obvious once over, Calix risked pushing a lock of his hair back behind his ear. “Oh, it’s definitely the make up, plus letting my hair grow out gives me an extra something I think.”
The werewolf attack was one of the more gruesome things to happen on the show and the shock of it would have repercussions amongst the Auror team long afterwards. It was kind of integral to a couple of characters’ growth too. “Well so far you’ve done great work on the action scenes. I understand wanting to get the scene done right.” Nodding again, Cal smiled brightly at the enthusiasm, “when’s your first call? I have some time before my scene.”
“It would be very cool, though I can’t remember reading about that in the history books.” Of course what they were portraying on screen wouldn’t be word for word accurate, a lot of undocumented things happened in the past. But he didn’t think they were diverting too far off course of the truth. “Reliable horses are always a bonus though. I’d offer Dante but he’s a bit of a diva.”
“You’re welcome. It was no problem, I know you would have done the same for me and not only that, it was concerning,” he replied honestly. “I’m really, really glad you’re back and better. I may start sounding like a broken record, that is how glad I am.” Kai grinned at him. “All that movie star charm. Show me your ways!”
It had been a little disappointing to learn that his character would be offed so early on, but once he read the script, he felt better about it. The scene was high action followed immediately by a meaty scene between his and Tony’s characters and it was a death that would continue to be felt throughout the entire piece. “I have time too. Have you ever had to die on screen before? I feel like I should know the answer to this but there are a lot of things I haven’t gotten around to watching yet. I have been in the no-maj world longer than this one, in all honesty.”
Kai had been late getting into a wizarding school and he felt like he had sleepwalked through most of his history classes because he barely remembered any of the histories of what they were filming. “It would be more like an easter egg, maybe. Fans spot the horse and they wonder.” He winked. “But I am a fine horse, to my knowledge. Mostly, I don’t change when there are other people around, so I can’t be completely sure I’m not a diva about my fabulous mane.”
Impulsively, Cal reached out and pulled the younger actor into a gentle hug. “Thank you. I’m glad you’re glad, means I have made a very good friend.” Releasing Kai, he gave a bashful grin of his own, running his hand through his hair again in a slightly nervous gesture. “Oh, I’m not sure I’m the best to go to for movie star charm, I’m actually a huge nerd, albeit an outdoorsy one.”
Chuckling at the follow up to the question, he nodded, "I understand, we lived in a no-maj area growing up. That's where the farm is and my parents and the horses. Who you still have to meet, by the way." He realised he'd veered off course and corrected. "I've died on screen twice, but once didn't stick because they brought me back on Lunar. The shallow breathing was quite difficult to get right."
“Well, you’re entitled to be a diva about your fabulous mane. I’m pretty sure that’s why Dante’s a diva.” Calix laughed, winding a path through the lot to the actors’ tents. His was as good a place as any for them to go over Kai’s scene, the crew would know where he was when they needed to call him to set.
Always one for displays of affection of any kind, Kai welcomed the hug, looping his arms around Cal in return. “I think it means that we both have.” He stepped back and dropped his arms back to his sides. “I also think that I must gravitate toward the nerds and the underdogs, probably because it’s a place I’m familiar with being in.” He was a voracious reader so he did participate in a few no-maj fandoms. It was a little too weird for him to stay active in some of the Wizzywood fandoms, though, after working in it, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t lurk.
“Yeah, that’s right! The horses. I do need to visit. I’m a different sort of outdoorsy, I guess, I grew up on the beaches of Savannah. The coastal outdoorsy instead of the farm outdoorsy.” Kai nodded in understanding. “Ohh, the fake-out death. That had to be fun! Clearly, I need to watch that.”
Kai couldn’t help but giggle. “Speaking from experience, it’s probably accurate.” He raised a hand to tug at his curls. “My horse-self has long, curly hair and I know it looks way better on me as a horse, I’ve seen pictures, so now it is a point of pride but like at the same time, horse instinct is to roll on the ground to cover up my scent from predators so I get dirty but then if someone wanted to brush it after, horse-me is so game.”
He led Cal to his tent, which was set up the same way he had it during Camelot Rising. One part of it was clearly meant for the horse side of him, with straw laid down and hay available, and the other half was for him - a huge and elaborate, yet comfortable pillow fort. “We don’t have to do the action part of it. Just the very end. Tell me if you’d believe it’s real?”
“Nerds should stick together.” Calix grinned, not at all worried about being labelled as such. He was a writer after all and most of them were bookish and shy of the limelight. At least the ones he’d worked with. “You do, Mom is especially interested to meet you, in both your forms. Fair warning, she’s a feeder, even if you don’t plan on staying for dinner you’re going to end up at the table with the rest of us.”
“It was fun, in a weird sort of way. That one involved loss of oxygen, being in space, so the breathing was key.” He nodded when Kai said he needed to watch the show, “it’s not everyone’s thing, being sci-fi. But there are some great characters, excluding mine. You’ll have to make your own mind up about Danny.”
Chuckling at Kai’s description of his horse self, Cal tilted his head with a little grin, “we have plenty of brushes at the stables, and as you know, Arion would probably braid that mane if you’d let him.” As soon as he stepped into Kai’s tent he was hit with a wave of comfort, the scent of hay and straw reminding him of home. “Wow, I like this set up. Makes my tent seem boring. Okay, yeah, I can definitely do that. Whatever you need.”
“I couldn’t agree more!” Kai had never seen the terms nerdy and geeky and weird as derogatory. They were accurate descriptors, and not only that, he didn’t see it as a bad thing to be at all. It kept life interesting to walk on the weird side. “You told your mom about me?” He grinned. “I’d be honored. And if there’s food involved, there is no way I’m leaving early. I eat a lot for someone so skinny. I joke that it’s my horse belly fitting it all in.” Kai laughed. “Though I was that way even before becoming an animagus. Once, my mom took me to the doctor because she was afraid I had some kind of parasite in my guts eating all my food.”
Kai’s eyebrows raised toward his hairline. “Why isn’t Danny great? Is it because he’s a villain type? Some villains can be great, you know. Not like… stand up guys, but more like great characters, if that makes any sense. Very watchable.”
He grinned back. “Look, I go to your farm, I’m definitely spending at least half the time with the other horses as a horse, living my best horse life. No shame.” Sometimes, he was a little embarrassed showing other people his tent because of the horse part of it, but he figured Cal would get it. He was pleased that his assumption was correct. “Sometimes, after a difficult scene, it’s nice to slip into my other skin and munch on hay for a bit.” Kai shrugged slender shoulders. “The pillow fort is comfy, come on in!” He flopped down onto a bunch of cushy, brightly patterned pillows. “I think I’ll skip the dialogue, just do the physical bits. Just, like, pretend I’ve been torn apart by a werewolf.” He grimaced, though the expression quickly turned into a grin. “It’s gonna look soooo gross.”
“Of course, she likes to be updated on all my new colleagues and friends. Plus I thought I better warn her we may have a visitor.” Honestly, even if he didn’t mention it in advance, any guest was always welcomed at the farmhouse and treated like one of their own. “I’m glad to hear it’s just you and no wriggly hitchhiker, but a big appetite was seen as a challenge in my house growing up. So much food, always.”
Shaking his head, Cal let out a little chuckle, “no, nothing like that, though I agree. Villains are often the more complex and interesting characters on screen. I play Danny, and I created him, so I don’t like to talk him up too much or influence how people feel about him, I’d rather let them form their own opinions.”
“That’s fair. I’m sure they’ll enjoy the visit as much as you do.” Nodding as Kai elaborated on the reasoning behind his tent set up, he could definitely see the merit in being able to change completely to regroup after a heavy scene. “Theo would lose his mind over this,” Cal commented with a smile as he joined Kai amongst the cushions. “I’ll let my imagination fill in the blanks,” his nose scrunched in sympathy, “I’m guessing you’ll be in makeup for a while that day.”
“That makes sense. I really should make good on my promise to visit sometime soon.” He laughed at the ‘wriggly hitchhiker’, the look of amusement lingering on his face as he continued. “It sounds like the place to go if I’m hungry. Right now, I admittedly don’t get a lot of home cooking. I’m not great at it. I’m eating like a no-maj university freshman right now.”
Suddenly, it all made sense. “Ohhhh, I get it. I understand why you would want to do that. Less spoilery too. It’s a good approach, I might steal that from you.”
He patted the cushion beside him affectionately. “It’s childish, but it feels so safe to me and because I have existing problems with anxiety, I wanted to create something that felt safe for myself. If Theo comes to set, he’s welcome to hang out here.” Kai didn’t mind sharing the space.
“For a while, yeah. And it’s a night shoot to boot!” He laid himself back all the way on the cushions. “Okay, here goes.” He took a deep breath before flipping the switch and sinking into character, his hands shaking over his belly where the most grievous wounds would be. His breathing became shallow and wheezy. Leaving out the strangled and watery dialogue - his goodbyes and encouragement to Mungo never to stop until they had won - he just worked on the breathing and his shaking hands and his wide-eyed stare, all of which gradually slowed as he crept closer to death until he had to breathe his last, going still and doing his best empty-eyed stare, blankly looking up at the multi-colored fabric ceiling until he snapped back to himself, blinking, sitting up, his head turning toward Cal. “Was it believable?”
A look of mild horror came to Calix’s face when Kai explained his current diet and he shook his head, “we can’t have that, anytime you want a home cooked meal, you come over to mine and eat with us. Just text me and I’ll set an extra place. So long as you don’t mind myself and Alex being cute.” He chuckled as he labelled them as such, thinking Annabeth would be tickled that it had caught on.
“You’re welcome to steal it.” He smiled at the offer, “and Theo would love to come share your fort.” Scooting back the tiniest bit so Kai could lay down, cal watched as he slipped into character, impressed at how smoothly the transition went. The shaking hands and shallow breaths were incredibly realistic and if he hadn’t been pre warned he would likely be concerned that something was actually wrong with Kai.
“Very.” Cal’s reply was quiet, a slow smile following the answer. “There will be tears. The fans will hate us for that death. Just be careful you don’t get dry eyes from the staring. That happened to me, but it may be because I wear contacts.”
“Careful, I might end up imposing on your family more than I should!” Kai grinned, the invitation much appreciated. It was crazy to think that he was being invited to eat with a big-deal star and his family. If someone had told him that just a year ago, he wouldn’t have believed it. “I don’t mind any cuteness. It’s nice to be able to be cute with someone and it should never be stifled! Certainly not on my account.”
After he finished his little performance, he wiped his eyes. Tears had leaked out at some point, he hadn’t really been paying attention. “So it was fine? I’m so relieved, I’ve been so worried about it. Good tip on the eye thing. Maybe I’ll get drops, just in case.”
He paused, thinking back to something Cal had said just before he had launched into his dramatics. “Can I ask you something personal?”
“It wouldn’t be an imposition, but duly noted.” Cal grinned, enjoying Kai’s company as much as he did, he was certain that Theo would love having him visit. His son was a mini-Calix personality wise. “I’ll be sure to let Alex know cuteness isn’t off the table when you’re visiting.”
As Kai wiped his eyes and settled back into a more relaxed position. “It was more than fine.” Cal smiled and nodded at the suggestion of emergency eye drops. “That’s a good idea.”
The change in tone caught his interest and he tilted his head, intrigued as to what the question would be. But if it would help out Kai, he was sure he would be able to answer honestly. “Sure, go ahead.”
“I hope not. It sounds like a place that I would like to visit. Fellow horses. Lots of food.” Kai would certainly enjoy meeting Theo if he was so much like Cal. He liked to think he was good with kids because he was rather spirited and playful.
He moved some cushions around, setting them up behind him so that he could lean back against them in a sitting position. Crossing his legs, he settled into them, making himself at home in his haven of colorful pillows and blankets. “That’s a huge weight off of me. Maybe I won’t be so nervous when the day comes now. I mean, I’ll probably still be nervous.” He shrugged helplessly. “But maybe less nervous.”
Kai paused, unsure of how to phrase his question. “Um, I don’t really know how to ask this. I’m just going to come out with it… How did you know you liked men? Were attracted to men? I think I might be. But I am still attracted to women too. I don’t know, it’s confusing.” He bit his lower lip, looking over at Cal.
Cal's smile didn't look like it was leaving his face any time soon, especially with Kai talking so fondly of the farm. Without having even visited yet. Though at the shrug, the expression turned reassuring and he reached out to pat Kai's shoulder. "Nerves are natural, you just need to channel the energy into the performance. You're going to do great."
Kai's proposed way to tackle the question was met with a nod, straightforward was often the easiest way, even though sometimes it felt the most difficult. "Oh, I understand that confusion. Very well." Brushing his hair back again from where it had fallen across his forehead, Cal took a moment to recall the moment he'd known. "I was younger than you are, must have been sixteen. My parents always employed locals to help out at the farm. When we were home from Ilvermorny for the holidays we'd help out, of course. One year, I found myself crushing hard on one of the guys working the stables with me. Doubly confusing since Maggie and I had just started dating."
Kai smiled in return, reassured by Cal’s words. He was new to the acting side of things and despite seeming to have a natural talent for it, he did tend to be unsure of himself sometimes. A lot of that was thanks to his anxiety causing him to overthink things. “I suppose one would be nervous just before dying. That can be channeled. A lot of the time I feel like it is easier to be the characters than it is to be myself. But not in that scene!”
As of late, being himself hadn’t been easy, and up until that moment, it had been a very private battle. To say it out loud to another person, admit that he was attracted to men, well, it already felt like a small weight had been lifted. He listened quietly as Cal recounted the time in his life that he had started to realize there was something different about himself. “What did you do about it?”
He sincerely hoped Kai found it easier to be himself than a dying Auror. Or at least more comfortable being himself in his presence.
Casting his mind back to his awkward few months of self realisation, Cal expected a follow up question and smiled when it came. "I think I handled it poorly to be honest. By which I mean I tortured myself for most of the summer holidays pining over him and not talking about things because it was embarrassing."
"Once I realised I was being an idiot, I spoke to Maggie about it. She told me not to feel guilty about being attracted to him, or think that it wasn't normal, and that helped a lot. I still didn't act on the crush though."
He gave a little half smile, "since then I've only dated two guys. One was very brief, he found out about Theo and bailed. Now I have Alex."
He leaned forward as he listened, elbows resting against his knees, his chin supported in his hands. There was a lesson to be learned here, he thought. Learning from others who had come before him. Kai was glad that he had decided to launch willy-nilly into the difficult conversation. He needed to have a heart-to-heart with someone about it - someone who was not TJ.
“Do you wish you acted on the crush?” He lifted his head up from his hands, looking over at Cal, his brows furrowed. “I mean, I guess, okay, so I have a crush. We have even been on a few dates and called them dates and we’ve kissed and I liked it but I’m afraid to commit, I think because I’m not sure if it’s a phase or not, I’ve never felt this way about a man before.” He shrugged helplessly. “So that’s why I wondered about your experience, knowing you’re with a man and all. That you had to go through something like this. I’m afraid of hurting someone if it doesn’t stick. It’s all very new to me.”
"Had I been single at the time, I'm sure I would have regretted not being brave enough to say something. But as it was, I didn't dwell on the what if of it all." Cal shifted to stretch his legs out in front of him, leaning back on his hands and giving a curious look in return when Kai lifted his head.
"Ohh. Hm, well that's a little different. I completely understand your not wanting to hurt him. But, have you thought about being honest with him? Explain that you really do like him, and that you're still discovering yourself?"
Kai nodded in understanding. “Yeah, that makes sense, given the circumstances.” He plucked at the scratchy collar on his period costume, loosening it off a bit. They could fix it later.
“I was as honest as I knew how to be about it at the time,” he answered with a slight helpless shrug. “I told him to be patient with me while I sorted myself out and I have told him I like him. He’s actually the first person I’ve been on a second date with. It’s unusual for anyone to want to keep going after that and I’d just kinda started giving up and then there he was.” He sighed. “But I know I’m still attracted to women so I don’t know if I’m bi or it’s a phase or if it’s something else so yeah, there is the frustration!”
"Sounds like you've done the right thing already then. I'm glad he understands." Cal hoped that he had been at least a little helpful to Kai. But he knew the circumstances of his own self realisation were very different.
"Try not to get too frustrated by it, or with yourself. It's less likely than you think for it to just be a phase. I know I didn't grow out of liking both men and women, even though at the time I thought I might, that it was just a teenage thing." He grinned then, "maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis phase now?"
“He does. The way he handled it made me like him even more, but at the same time, I’m a little flighty and scared to begin with and I can’t help but wonder if it’s too good to be true and I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.” The conversation was proving helpful for him, more than Cal likely knew. It was the first time Kai had gotten to talk about it with someone he trusted enough to offer some good advice and perspective and personal experiences.
Kai laughed. “Mid-life? No way, you’re not that old. The whole phase thing, though… A lot of the time, you hear about people always knowing what they are or realizing it and then looking back and thinking everything makes more sense but I don’t feel like that. Like I always knew or like everything makes sense now. It’s a little bit of the opposite. Nothing makes sense, but at the same time, it feels right.” He pulled at a loose thread on a blanket. “I’m sorry to heap all of this on you but I haven’t gotten to talk to anyone about it yet so it’s all coming out in a rush.”
Calix sighed at the words, knowing all too well how that felt. “I know, I can’t help but feel the same about Alex and myself. So far we’ve had nothing but positivity from fans and the Wizzywood community, but I keep waiting for that other shoe too.” He still believed that someone would have something derogatory to say about Alex and Maggie being siblings. Not that it was any of their business.
Chuckling along with Kai he gave a shrug, “I’m 40 so I think I’m edging into that territory… but thank you for not thinking so.” Looking back, his own revelation hadn’t made sense to him either, it felt right, but not as world affirming as Arion’s had been. “Don’t apologise, I’m glad you feel like you can come to me with things like this.” He smiled, “anytime you need to talk you can always text me. If I’m not filming I’m usually around the studios to catch up.” Sitting up straighter, he stretched a little, “speaking of filming, I should wander back over to the crew. It’s probably about time to start my scene.”
The moment that Kai had seen the post about Calix and Alex, he had felt so happy for them and a little less alone, and he had been taken by the overwhelming need to talk to Cal about his own situation after the confirmation that they had something in common that he needed help with. “It did seem to go well,” he said, about the announcement. “And it’s nice to see the community being so supportive. I’ve already encountered some nasty reactions when out on the dates. Only from no-maj folk but it was so disheartening.” He wasn’t ready to come out in Wizzywood yet so they hadn’t been going to any wizarding hangouts.
He stared incredulously over at Cal. “What, really? You’re 40? Honestly, I never would have guessed that. I thought you only had like 10 years on me, maybe.” Kai laughed. “Not too old for blanket forts, though, tell everyone that.” He glanced over at a clock he had hanging on a wall fashioned of blankets. “Oh, gosh. I have kept you a little too long. And myself too!” Leaping into action, he scurried out of the fort into the tent proper, pulling back the flap to let Cal out ahead of him.
“It did.” Cal smiled, trying to push down the anxiety that still crept in from time to time. “Some people are just small minded and ignorant. I know how disheartening that can be, but I hope those experiences didn’t put you off being yourself.”
The look on Kai’s face made him grin and he nodded, “yup, forty. But thanks for the compliment.” He chuckled, “definitely not too old for blanket forts. I’ll tell everyone I meet.” Following his friend’s lead, he got to his feet and scurried out of the fort, then the tent. “See you later. Don’t worry about the scene, you’ll do great!”