Bernadette and Cho Who: Bernadette and Cho When: April 17 Where: Chamber's Fine Jewels What: Bernadette has a secret
She said "I don't know if I've ever been good enough, I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in..
Bernadette Chambers trailed a hand over her desk, the piles of paperwork in front of her forgotten as she listened to the song loop over and over again around her.
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's gonna give. And I'm a little bit angry."
Of course he was angry, she thought. He might disguise the lyrics, write it as a quote, but she knew him much better than he thought she did. This song was about her. Her and Mortimer, and Drusilla as well, perhaps. They'd all failed him, in various ways, though it did no use feeling guilty about it now. There was no way it could have been different. If Drusilla had raised him the entire family would have been scorned. The Chambers family didn't make mistakes, they erased them. Mortimer was never going to love the boy, Mortimer had never loved anything except his work, and that only left her. If she'd been an inch more caring, one iota more of the loving mother... well, it wouldn't have worked. Mortimer would never have her siding with Quinn over himself. It would have torn everything apart. The boy wasn't even one of her blood, after all.
Well, this ain't over. No not here, not while I still need you around. You don't owe me, we might change. Yeah we just might feel good
But she still loved him. More than she'd ever been able to love anything. She had from the moment the House elf had placed him in her arms. He wasn't the little girl she'd carried for nine months, but he was her child. Her only son. And she hadn't been able to keep from loving him. And in loving him she'd only been able to hurt him. So he was wrong, really, she did owe him.
She said "I don't know why you ever would lie to me, like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya.
Turning her chair around, Bernadette faced the wall, folding her arms tight around her waist and looking up at the ceiling, a vulnerable position for a woman who was known for being so frozen.
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me, you couldn't stand to be near me, when my face don't seem to want to shine 'cause it's a little bit dirty."
They had lied to him, of course. They lied to him a lot. About who his parents really were, about the Curse, then about the Curse again, about so many things. He was right not to trust them, and he was lucky he had been able to grow up to be as trusting as he had ended up being. And she knew they'd demanded too much of him. Perfection, a Chambers was nothing less than perfection. And he'd fought back against it as hard as he could. With music and with bartending and the way he dressed and kept himself and acted. He liked to think of himself as a rebel. Bernadette knew better. He was just contrary.
Well, don't just stand there and say nice things to me, 'cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged. And you, you don't know me. I can't change - I won't do anything at all.
If they'd let him have free reign he'd have applied himself, he'd have put his brilliance to use and been a Prefect or a Head Boy. He'd have gone on to be a celebrated Healer or into Law. He'd have been the perfect Chamber heir if they'd only told him he didn't have to be. But they demanded it of him, and so he became the antithesis. And now it was Bernadette's job to keep it going. To keep being the villain, to keep pushing him away so he could go on and be brilliant at something. If she stopped now, told him she was proud of him, showed him her record and the book she kept of clippings from various press articles... he would stop. He'd give it all up. And she'd sooner be his most hated opponent than the one to tople him from his place on top of the world.
Oh, but don't bowl me over, just wait a minute, well I kinda fell apart - things get so crazy, crazy. Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby, baby, baby
But sometimes these plans failed. Sometimes she wasn't able to take into consideration his incredible power of persuasion, or the way people inexplicably wanted to please him. The Abbott girl agreeing to remain unmarried hadn't even been a factor in her plans. But it had happened. It had happened and now she was stuck dealing with it. She had to find a new track, a plan B. But Bernadette was unaccustomed to Plan B's. Unaccustomed to failing so much with one person. Maybe it was because she'd made the mistake of caring for the boy, the boy that wasn't hers? Maybe you only failed the people you loved more than yourself?
I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will. I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will. I wanna take you for granted. I wanna take you for granted, yeah, well I will
The song began to repeat. I will, I will replaying over and over. Oh Quinian, her Quinian. He didn't need to think in the future tense. The 'will'. He already had.