We're Not In St. Cloud Anymore...
WHO: Marshall Eriksen and Barney Stinson WHERE: The woods on the way back from the Hocus Pocus club :-( WHEN: Backdated for Friday, July 25th, drunk o'clock. WHAT: A recorded conversation between two buds. Also, Slenderman does not abide drunkards. STATUS: COMPLETE! (Gdoc) WARNINGS: Multiple Character Deaths!
(Barney decides to take Marshall out for an ill-advised night of drinking. The intent of the night is three-fold: 1) to get Marshall to stop being such a mopey turd about Lily and 2) to take Marshall’s mind off of the ominous sense of foreboding that has been following him since investigating the notes around town. Oh, and 3) to get hammered...just like old times! In a drunken stupor, Marshall’s communication device somehow gets turned on as they start to walk back to the hotel and begins recording his and Barney’s conversation. It would be the last conversation either of them has before they die horrible deaths.)
MARSHALL: Barney, drinking was a terrible idea. Tequila was a double bad idea. Now, not only do I still feel super paranoid, but I would also probably kill someone for some chicken wings and a cigarette. And the chicken wings here are probably made of people. They’re people wings, Barney.
BARNEY: I’m sorry, are you Marshall? Because right now you appear to be speaking Ted-on-eese, and that’s not a language that makes me feel comfortable. In fact, it makes me angry--It was just the pizza, they said so. Oh my god. MARSHALL. That’s it. That’s our purpose here. We’re supposed to open our own wing place. With Burgers, and suits. Everything Marrowood is missing and desperately needs.
Legendary Chicken Wings. Just think about it. With our Awesome-sauce. They’ll be Legend--wait for it--poultry. Patent Pending.
MARSHALL: Dude, have you seen a chicken anywhere around here? Let alone a whole herd of them? It’s not like they’re running around, waiting for us to make them into delicious appetizers. (A rustling noise is heard. There is a shuffling, and some pathetic whining noises coming from the now cowering Marshall. He is exceedingly paranoid.) WHAT WAS THAT?! Jesus, I think we’re being followed. I don’t want to be eaten, Barney. It would be my least favorite thing.
BARNEY: Ugh you are such a buzzkill we can totally figure that out. You think KFC is using real-- ( He freezes like a deer in the headlights, shuffling closer to Marshall, beginning to breathe a little heavy, panicking. ) What?! Don’t say that! It’s probably just a..a falling twig or something. Why would you even say that-- ( He squeaks this part ) WHYWOULDYOUEVENSAYTHAT?!
MARSHALL: BECAUSE IT IS A LEGITIMATE POSSIBILITY! Walk faster, Barney, it sounds like its getting closer! (they begin to scamper manfully to move quicker through the wooded area) Why did I start looking into those stupid notes?! It probably only pissed the Thin Man off. WHAT IF HE IS IN CAHOOTS WITH THE SASQUATCH? Of course we both know Big Foot will definitely come after me first because of my luscious, meaty calves. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that?! Plus, you have all those suit layers, too much to work through. Your stupid fashion sense is going to get me killed, I hope you’re happy!
BARNEY: Shut up shut up! He can probably hear you talking smack! (he’s practically on top of Marshall in the scurry to run, nearing piggy-back phase, glancing around them quickly) It’s not my fault you don’t ever suit up, bro. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times--hey..hey! That guy knows what I’m talking about. Great suit dude!
( Barney, unbeknownst to the recording, is giving Slenderman the thumbs up. His drunken blurred vision is betraying the disproportionate nature of the creature. )
(Marshall shrieks loudly, seeing the horror that is Slenderman. Even though Marshall is also sloshed, he can see the creature has no face. The thin man’s arms, 6 or 8 in total, jut out from his body like an overgrown spider and seem to grow as you look at him. His suit is, admittedly, very classy. He is much closer now. Marshall slaps Barney’s hand down and in a feat of Viking strength, hoists his friend over his shoulder. He starts to run.)
MARSHALL: I’ll save us, Barney! Don’t look at him! (Marshall’s breath becomes labored at the exertion of carrying a full grown man. It seemed like a good idea at the time but he is getting winded and on top of the all encompassing, mind-numbing fear, he also really needs to pee.)
BARNEY: Unf! Marshallllll where are we going I'm not potatoes stop it man. Why are you running from cool suit dude?? Hey bro! Where'd you get it from? The tailors? Marshall! Look how fast he moves!
(Barney continues paying attention even after Marshall had slung him over his shoulder, still blissfully unaware.)
(Marshall makes the mistake of turning his head slightly to see how fast Slenderman is gaining on them, and that is all it takes. The horror’s long tentacles embrace them and Marshall knows this is the end. There is very little screaming, surprisingly. His last thoughts are of Lily and, inexplicably, the cockamouse. After that...only darkness.)