Last week when they were driving home from Seth’s parents’ house, the lights from the car had illuminated the smooth curves of the road while their arguments had circled around and between them. If asked, Alex couldn’t remember what it had been about; she’d been agitated that night for the same reason she and Seth had fought the next day, but she hadn’t been above arguing with Seth just as a response to his tone. It had been automatic; normal. It was a weekly ritual. Sunday Knight dinners had become as much a part of Alex’s life as they were part of Seth’s, but tonight had felt like a beautifully decorated anomaly from the rest of the week.
When Alex had driven up to her and Seth’s house an hour before they needed to leave for dinner, she hadn’t known how the night would go and she couldn’t say that she’d been looking forward to it, but up until a few days ago, Seth had always shown up for her when she needed him to and she never would have decided that tonight was something she’d intentionally miss. The conversation she’d had with Seth while she’d changed into her dress and picked out her earrings had been clipped, but she’d agreed that they should tell his family about the baby. It wasn’t fair to keep it from them and the way they’d reacted had been genuinely nice; it hadn’t quite had the impact of Cassie’s happiness at finding out the news, but it had been joyful and truly supportive. Her smile had been sincerely warm when they’d left Seth’s parents’ house; it had just faded at the edges quicker than her husband’s when they’d turned away.
Alex honestly enjoyed Seth’s family and she cared about Abbie and Noah a lot, especially, and that had always been true in spite of certain cultural and personality clashes. Seth’s lifestyle had always been so different from her own and she could act like she felt like she fit, but it didn’t really change that she didn’t always feel like she did. But smiling through culture shock and smiling through the awareness that not only were Seth and his family keeping something from her, but that it was apparently common enough knowledge amongst other people, were two different things. It was the difference between perception and truth. Despite her best self, it cooled her enthusiasm a little.
Fact: Alex knew that she was being a hypocrite. The Knights might be keeping something from her, but she and Seth had kept the truth about their marriage from everyone in their lives. And she couldn’t be sure what motivated their decision; Seth had always been honest with her that there things about his life that he wouldn’t share with her and that was an agreement that went both ways. Their relationship was not predicated on sharing. It had never bothered Alex before; she’d willingly agreed to that stipulation in their relationship.
They’d also agreed that kids wouldn’t be part of their marriage.
Even without the pregnancy, Alex thought she’d still be hurt by everything that had happened. That whole week, all she’d wanted to do was get away. She’d spent time with family and friends and visited old stomping grounds; people and places that were familiar and that made her feel like she had a place. Alex couldn’t pinpoint exactly why Seth’s unexplained behavior and his reaction on Monday had made her so deeply unhappy; why it had fractured her thoughts about their life and shattered it into something too murky for there to be any certainties. But, in all of the hours she’d spent thinking about it, she thought that it was that, for the most part, it was because they’d been together in their marriage and decisions, even when they clashed. The pregnancy, though, it made her feel like they suddenly weren’t with each other. That he wasn’t with her.
Fact: In hindsight, she knew she shouldn’t have left like she had. He’d left her alone for one afternoon and she’d left him alone for a week, to grapple with the knowledge of their impending parenthood by himself. She knew that she should have behaved differently, but she’d been so angry at him and she just didn’t understand how he could have walked away from her, like she didn’t understand a lot of about any of this. She’d felt let down, by a lot of people.