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Renzo Shima is not apart of the Illuminati (illumi_not_y) wrote in wildhuntthreads, @ 2021-05-11 00:31:00

Who: Renzo Shima & NPC!Therapist
What: Therapy!
When: Tuesday May 11th at 5pm
Where: Therapist's office
Status: Narrative, finished
Warnings: Trigger warnings: Depression, Toxic Shame, Self-Deprecating Thoughts, THOUGHTS OF SELF-HARM, Internalized Homophobia,, This is not a good thread to read if you're sad, watch me channel my real therapists,



"Renzo, why don't we talk about what has you like this today? You seemed to be doing good last time we talked, did something happen?" His therapist sat across from him. Michelle was her name, he'd been seeing her weekly ever since the DA picked him up in Lassen the night of Cecil's broadcast back in December. She leaned back in her chair, opening up the space for discussion. Renzo sat on her couch with a pillow in his lap. He looked like he was trying to curl around it. "Did something happen with the events of March?"

"No... Mahiru broke up with me." Shima muttered into the pillow. There was no point in hiding it. There was no point in hiding it anymore. He'd stopped hiding everything from everyone. He was spy. He was a piece of shit. He was a backstabbing no good son of a bitch. With Cecil's broadcast everyone knew he was a bisexual bastard too. It's not like anything was safe in Eerie Harbor anyway. And it didn't even matter. No matter what he did everything ended in pain and heart break. Everything ended with another game of let's kick Renzo and see how long it takes him to go down. "We.. We've been dating in secret since April 21st. And I asked to keep it secret because..." He trailed off. Already tears were starting to well up in his eyes.

The past weekend has been horrendous. He barely even was there at school on Friday nor was he still there on Monday. Mahiru was avoiding him, not that Shima really tried to reach out to him. He didn't deserve the right to reach out to Mahiru. Mahiru didn't deserve his bullshit anyway. When the weekend had rolled around He hadn't done anything. He barely even rolled out of bed.

"Because I'm a terrible person. I'm so selfish. I made him keep it a secret even though he wanted so desperately to be open about it."

"Why didn't you want it to be open? Is it because of what we talked about before?"

"Yeah. When I think about it it's nice and great, but actually trying to do it makes my stomach twist. I just feel... I don't know... Wrong I guess...? Not it's wrong! I don't find it weird or gross or wrong or anything when it's my friends. I just.. I don't know... I don't know why I even said yes to him when he asked me out. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have subjected him to that. I feel like such an asshole. I am an asshole." Shima's shoulders shuttered as he started to cry harder. He heard Michelle's chair squeak as she shifted positions. Shima's rambling tapered off as he tried to regain his breath.

"Renzo it's ok to feel what you feel. Remember what we talked about? You are a good person, we all make mistakes. Can you take some deep breaths for me?" He tried to breath like she asked. Even when he took deep breaths they were still shaky and cracked between them.

"It's ok to feel what I feel... I really don't feel like a good person..." Shima irked out between his sobs, "I really don't... I pushed him away... I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want anything to end up like this. God... I'm a failure.. I really am. I just want to burn up. I really wish I could just burn myself away."

"Renzo are you wanting to hurt yourself?" His therapist's tone was so sharp it startled him. He looked up at her concerned face, "Please be honest with me, are you have suicidal thoughts?"

Shima blinked at her, trying to process what she was asking. It really did seem like he was saying that. If he'd wanted to kill himself he would have done so in December. He would have walked off that sea wall and let the snowy darkness swallow him whole. Regardless of what the drunk guy yelled at him. But that man had yelled at him. He'd yelled at him and broke his thoughts. Would he have walked off if that man hadn't yelled at him? No he was putting way too much faith in a drunkard on the beach.

"No. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to really die. I just want to.. not be here. Not face Mahiru, not look at my stupid hair in the mirror, and stop going to school. I don't want to be like this anymore." Renzo buried his face in the pillow again, "I'm tired to slipping into this stupid caricature I've made. Back when I first woke up my friend Rin told me to live my truth cause what's the point if I don't. I think that's what got me all psyched up to go and hear out Mahiru's confession. It didn't last, and when I needed to be truthful with the most I fucking went right back to it. And I ruined everything."

"Can I come sit over there with you Renzo?" He nodded. She got up and got something. He didn't move when he felt the couch dip. "Do you remember in our first session when we talked about some things you wanted to work on? I have that journal here. You asked me to hold onto it last time, would you like to look at it?"

Shima slowly retracted from his pillow barrier. He reached for the journal she was holding out. He opened it and stared at the pages. December 29th, My weekly goal- I want to move on from this spy shit and try to live normally. My friends all said they didn't care about the fucking broadcast. He leafed a head a few pages, April 6th, My weekly goal- I want to train harder so I don't get hurt like this again. And to stop wasting my potential like Yamantaka says. He paused and read further down that entry, reading about that day. Yamantaka's words, I want to play my own game, not someone else's and I want to take control of my life. Like my therapist says with that stuff...

He flipped a page to the next week, April 13th, My weekly goal- Talk to Mahiru. Rin told me not to live a lie. Michelle agrees with him... I'm not really sure what to tell Mahiru. I like it when he calls me Renzo, and I like it when he holds my hand. I know that I care about him. He skipped a head to April 27th, he'd left the my weekly goal section blank. It went really really well. Me and Mahiru are seeing each other now. It's a secret. I know Rin or my friends won't judge me... but I.. I want to keep it a secret for now.

Shima held his breath as he flipped to May 4th. Just two days before Mahiru broke up with him. May 6th, My weekly goal- Talk to Michelle? It's not fair to Mahiru that I'm being so selfish... He wants to go open, but I'm dragging my feet. He hadn't really talked to Michelle about it then. And he ended up dumped.

"Would you like to fill out this weeks? I can give you a pen." Shima nodded and she got up. He nestled the book down on the pillow, flattening the top of it so it would stay.

"Michelle? How could I change myself... I don't want to be like this anymore." Shima asked as he stared at the blank page for May 11th, "I don't want to pretend to be that guy anymore..."

"Change comes with time, and we're working on it piece by piece. We're working on strengthening your inner compassion." She handed him the pen and then sat back in her chair to give him privacy. "You have to forgive the feelings, actions, and thoughts of your past self. We all make mistakes, but you have to remember you can only act with what insights you had at the time."

Shima leaned over his journal and started to write, May 11th, My weekly goal- I want to change myself. He paused, trying to think of where he could start to change himself. "Where do I even start... That feels like such a huge task..."

"You already have. Acknowledging something is wrong is the first step." She thought for a moment, "Where do you want to go from here?"

"I'm not sure..."

"Sometimes a physical change helps with a mental one. Can you think of something you'd like to work on? I know you've been talking about training more with your staff. Try to think of something small you can start with so it won't feel overwhelming."

Shima thought about it for a bit, he tapped the pen against the edge of the paper. While he thought about it for a bit he rubbed his eyes and sniffed. "My hair." He thought about how fried it looked in the mirror. It was depressing and he hated it every time he saw it. "I can go get it cut and fixed. I've been putting it off because my shoulder hurt and I was behind in school. But I hate the way it looks." He quickly reached for the pen again and filled in the rest of his goal, Make a haircut appointment.

"There you go. Help make your appearance one that you appreciate in the mirror." She smiled at Renzo's enthusiasm.

Shima stared at his journal entry, thinking about weekend. Have I just been wasting these past few days? Is this another phase of productivity..? I can't think of it like that. I didn't waist the last few days, getting dumped is rough. Kinzo was down for days when it happened to him. Shima thought about that night. He'd watched from the doorway as him and Juzo talked about it. Juzo always had been the caring and thoughtful older brother. Seeing him like that just felt natural, a comforting figure to someone hurting. Shima rested the pen against the page as he thought further. Wait a minute, I remember that night. We watched that movie he loved as a kid after mom and dad went to sleep. I stole the tape from Yumi's room and we had the volume so low... Juzo ended up doing all the voice in whispers. We still woke them up. He could picture his father's face, groggy and gruff. He was totally about to rip us a new one for being up so late... but he must have seen Kinzo's red eyes. He just went back to bed after that and told us to keep it down.

"What are you thinking about? You have a smile on your face."

"Huh? Oh.. I was thinkin about this memory back home. From when my older brother got dumped by his girlfriend. I just thought it was kind of funny... I couldn't sleep and I heard him and Juzo talking so I went and peeked into his room. We ended up watching a movie really early into the morning and woke my dad up. I thought for sure he was going to get mad at us, but he didn't. He just told us to keep it down and went back to bed. I think we even fell asleep on the living room carpet." He smiled faintly, remembering the whole night. He probably fell asleep on Juzo.

"Your dad sounds like an understanding man."

"He isn't really... He's kind... of.." Shima trailed off, thinking about what she'd said for a moment. He hadn't gotten mad when he saw his son in pain that night... He made sure Renzo knew what he was getting into when he was going off to be a spy for Mephisto. From what he'd heard his father had sat out Juzo's request for Mamushi's hand. "He's very tough love I guess...." Shima finished his thought. He let me be a spy despite his initial no... Just because I wanted to. Shima wondered if his thoughts about what his dad would say were wrong...

"Tough love isn't all bad. A lot of the time they just don't know how to say they're scared for you." Michelle mused while Shima looked at his journal.

Maybe I was wrong... Would dad even cared? As long as I came home safely..? He could think about the millions of times he heard that said to Juzo and Kinzo when they went out. He never had even thought it came from Takezo. He'd been to small of a child to even remember the whole event. He's hard on me because I've got Yamantaka... Juzo and Kinzo are so hard on me because I'm their younger brother... They buried Takezo. He remembered Juzo talking about it one summer afternoon. Right after one of his "What would Take-nii do?" speeches. It was one of the only times he'd seen their father cry like a baby.

Shima wrote a final line in his journal You've got to forgive the stuff your past self does. You don't know everything you do now.

"Well Renzo, that is all the time we had for today. Do you have any last thoughts?" Michelle sat forward in her chair.

"Can I take my journal home with me. I have a lot I want to write down."

"Of course." She looked surprised. He wasn't. He'd been so adamant before about leaving it here.

"Thank you Michelle. The same time next week right? I'll try to get to my weekly goal before then." Shima shoved the journal in his backpack. He wasn't sure how he felt. He wanted to run and scream and shout and run up to Mahiru and apologize for everything, but that was terrifying and it made his stomach do flips and he wanted to hide. He just felt abuzz with some sort of energy, whether it was good or bad he had yet to find out.

"Same time next week Renzo." Michelle got the door for him while he packed away his stuff. Renzo gave her a weak smile as he headed out. He really did have a lot he wanted to write down. And a lot he wanted to talk to Yamantaka about. But first he should get something to eat, it would be stupid to summon Yamantaka on an empty stomach. Shima quickly headed down the steps, trying to think if there was any restaurants in walking distance before he caught the bus back to the Halfway House.