John shuddered. "I thought I was there for you. I spoke to the others you know? To make sure I was doing the right thing. And then. Then you were gone. I couldn't find you. I realised I wasn't gonna' be able to find you. I'd promised you something that I couldn't do. And then the fight, an' I ended up in that cell, and Gray. And too much. Too. Damn. Much. I needed to let go."
The tug to his hair rooted him. The slight pain was making things feel real. Simpler. Something he could process. "I need. I still need." He sighed deeply, and pulled against the hold Jamie had on his hair. "Before I can think. I need to.. let go."