sam winchester (thesamsquatch) wrote in welcomethreads, @ 2013-08-18 21:09:00 |
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Entry tags: | paige matthews, sam winchester |
Who: Sam Winchester & Paige Matthews
What: meeting to talk.
When: Sunday evening
Where: outside the towers-->TBD
Warnings: TBD
Having Jess here was wonderful, and Sam would never deny that, but it was complicated too. He'd been enough of a mess before she arrived, and now he felt simultaneously better and worse, all at once. There were moments when he felt nothing but warmth and happiness in her simple presence, but other moments when he felt horribly different from the Sam who'd fallen in love with her, when he remembered all the things he still needed to tell her. It would get easier eventually, he hoped, but he suspected it was going to get harder first.
Certainly telling her everything about his life was going to be hard. He couldn't even explain half of it to himself anymore; all his noble reasons for doing everything he'd done seemed small and feeble in the face of how useless everything had felt when it had all blown up in his face. When he looked back on his life, all he could really see were mistakes, one after another. In some ways, not protecting Jess was the worst of it, because it had led to everything else, but it also seemed the most understandable in terms of being accidental. Given what he'd known at the time, he couldn't really have done anything differently, and he hadn't actually done anything that needed forgiving, simply failed to act at all. On the other hand, he didn't feel that lacking important information about Lilith being the final seal really excused the awful things he'd done in the name of making himself strong enough to kill her.
He had bled an innocent girl dry and consumed her blood. He had demonic powers; he was the human vessel of Lucifer. He didn't know how in the hell he was supposed to tell Jess any of that. He kept remembering what she'd said to Charlie: who knew I was dating such a star! What would she say when she realized that he wasn't the hero, but the villain? Or at least, that he was supposed to be. He didn't feel that he had redeemed himself or broken the mold so much as narrowly escaped the worst of what he had been fated for.
Whatever it was, he couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't deserve her anymore. That was her decision to make, ultimately, but a very large part of him wanted to make it for her. The reason he hadn't was only partly because he knew that was wrong, and partly just because he selfishly wanted to stay with her anyway, whether he deserved her or not.
All of that had been tangled up in his head for days, and he'd just been going with it. But Paige had broken through the fog a bit when she'd reached out to him about her own difficulties, which were actually very similar to his own. Dealing with someone who had died and explaining what had happened after their death was difficult, regardless of the circumstances. And once they'd started talking about it, Sam had realized that he desperately needed someone to talk to, in order to sort out his own thoughts. Since Paige had offered to be a friend that he could talk to, and since they'd already had a standing arrangement to meet up sometime to do just that, he'd immediately taken the opportunity. Hopefully it would help both of them.
So he left a note for Jess and Dean that he was meeting a friend, and headed down the stairs, to where he was meant to meet her in front of the tower. The fresh air felt good, and he took a deep breath of it, content to wait until Paige arrived. He didn't think she'd keep him waiting long.