And then what? Sam would return to "his time" and try to beat it upstairs in time for him to stop Dean? Dean knew that was more of a mistake then anything else. He knew that in the state he was in before -- if Sam really did happen to come upstairs, he would have killed him in cold blood. "You're living my life in reverse." Cain's words haunted him. The idea of getting to the point of zero self-control was inevitable. Eventually it would happen and he had no faith in himself to be able to drag himself out of that. Sam would die and Dean would be the one to kill him, happily. It was like he was living in a never ending nightmare. Because even in sleep he got no reprieve from it. The monster still lingered under his skin and the only thing he had in his life was to grasp onto what he had right in the moment.
Sam's forgiveness. Sam being unaware of what his brother was and the threat he was to him and very nearly everyone around them. Even if he was in danger of losing Sam for not informing him that he did come from a later time, that right as he was attempting to summon Crowley -- he was waking up. His body reanimated by the Mark in the way the Mark needed him to be in, as strong as he possibly could be with little regret or remorse for the things he would do. Hell, no regret for the things he would do. Dean felt everything right now because of his humanity being restored but if it hadn't been? If he was still the monster, he would shrug it off like it was nothing.
Because at the time it had been nothing.
He sucked in a breath, shrugging a bit at the idea. "What if the portals bring him back when he was still a tiny little nerd angel? Wouldn't that be hilarious? I mean...think of the possibilities." Dean briefly thought about it, the idea that Cass could pop up with no idea of the things they had been through or the trials that had happened. Or what he had done. To him, to Sam. It would have been the pin of hope Dean would have liked -- but he couldn't allow himself to have hope. He didn't have any hope left for himself, if they found a portal home what guarantee was it that he wouldn't pick up right where he left off and wouldn't know the difference. The relief he saw in his little brother's eyes would be gone and he would...regretfully do the things he did to those people.
The better alternative in Dean's mind was getting Crowley. There would be no stipulations or questions asked, he'd just show up and do them a solid. That's what Crowley did. He was reliable in that, strangely. Dean trusted him tentatively but Sam didn't trust him at all. It would be more difficult explaining the fact his first thought was Crowley rather than he was turned into a demon in his mind.
He stood there for a moment with the cue in his hands before bowing his head. "This is Dean Winchester...tapping into the angel radio for Cass. C'mon Cass, we're stuck in bizarro world and need a way home. So if you could whammy up a portal or something, that'd be great." He lifted his head, opening one of his eyes to look around the bar for a moment. "The reception must be shit." He smirked a little, giving a little chuckle.
"Wait, I'm supposed to have it last longer than a week? When was that in the intro letter?" Dean leaned his cue against the table before starting to set up the game, shrugging a little bit. "Can't help hustling...it's in my blood. It's set me up pretty good so far, but I'm not that optimistic, one of the dwarves is starting to catch on to me." He laughed a little. The idea wasn't that he was constantly reminded of the guilt he felt when it came to living with Jo, but the fact that he had the opportunity to right a wrong he had done. This place was that opportunity he was waiting for. "There's room at Jo's place for you. It ain't as comfortable as the bunker but we'll survive. Until we...get a house or something."
There was a pause for a moment and Dean gave Sam a 'look'. "If we're actually stuck here does this mean we have to get jobs? I mean, walking around flashing a fake FBI badge won't get us anywhere."