anders (nocompromise) wrote in welcomethreads, @ 2015-02-04 01:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | anders, jane shepard |
Who: Anders and OPEN Jane Shepard.
What: Anders isn't coping with certain things he's learned about the memories he lost.
Where: The docks.
When: Late evening.
Rating: R.
Status: In progress.
Warnings: TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide attempt. For real, guys. If this is in any way triggering for you, just ignore this thread.
Anders had felt out of sorts since his conversation with Rhys and the subsequent clarification from Cullen. He had known, of course, that the others were hiding something. To risk attempting such dangerous magic to separate himself from Justice, something truly awful must have happened. Still, the reality was more than he could cope with. He had blown up a Chantry. He had killed people, so many people, probably hundreds. And for every Templar or corrupt Sister, though that did not make their deaths justifiable or in any way righteous, there were so many innocent people. And he had killed them without consideration. All for his own goals. The very thought of it filled him with so much disgust that he could hardly bear it.
He had always tried to live his life by certain principles. He may not have been devout as some, but he had his beliefs. And chief among those was a respect for life. He was a healer. He had been a healer for most of his life, and though he had certainly killed in the service of the Wardens he had done his best to spare innocent life wherever he could. Most of his casualties were limited to Darkspawn or people actively trying to kill his friends. Protecting their lives had allowed him to justify that to himself. But to know he had willfully caused such destruction, and in doing so had brought about massive bloodshed, a war that was devastating the land and destroying the people he had sought to help...it was more than he could bear.
Staring out at the water, he took a shaky breath and stepped closer to the edge of the docks. He was being a coward. He knew that. He was being selfish and stupid and Nate, who would forgive him foolishly for all he had done, would never forgive this. But he couldn't live with what he had done. Just the thought of it made it hard to breathe. And he was so angry that he didn't remember. He didn't deserve the peace of ignorance. He didn't deserve absolution. He should have died after what he had done. It might not bring back the people he had hurt, but it would give them some justice. The justice they should have had in Kirkwall. He hated that this might hurt people who, for some reason, cared for him, but he knew it was what he had to do.
Standing at the edge of the dock, he hesitated only for a moment before stepping forward and falling into the water. It was dark and cold and he let himself sink below the surface, not bothering to fight the currents. There were probably easier ways he could have done this, throwing himself from the bridge in the woods or even from the top of the tower, but this felt right. This would hurt more. And anyway, he felt like he had been drowning since he had learned what he had done. Really, this was only fitting.