goforshortbus (goforshortbus) wrote in welcomethreads, @ 2014-05-20 02:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | grant ward, melinda may |
WHO: Grant Ward & Melinda May
WHAT: When who you are and who you want to be aren't compatible, you have to strike a balance.
WHERE: The street in front of Tower Two
WHEN: May 19th, Evening
RATING: TBD
STATUS: In Progress
His entire body felt like a live wire, buzzing with confusion and anxiety, as he stepped out into the night air. Maybe running from the room hadn't been the most grown-up response to the series of texts Clint had sent him, but the sudden revolt that his mind had gone through at their content, a lengthy protest that he was trying, that he wasn't making excuses, followed up by the self-flagellation of realizing that he probably was and that internally, he knew it would be easier for him in the long run if they just put a bullet in his head, had left him wondering if he was really as genuine about his desire to reform as he claimed to be. He hated it, hated being in a position to know that nearly everything that would happen, or had happened to his team had been in a way his fault. Whether it was directly or by proxy, there was so much that he had to answer for that he wasn't sure he could, that he wasn't sure he could ever live down, and for all that Clint kept insisting there were people who cared, Ward couldn't see any of them having any faith left in him once everything came to light.
So many deaths, so much pain, all of it on his hands. Garrett's orders, perhaps, but how much bearing did that have when he was always the one carrying them out, making sure that the dirty business was taken care of as Garrett surveilled the situation? He was only just realizing it, despite the fact his heart was still rebelling against his mind when it came to Garrett, realizing just how much the other man had taken advantage of his need to please, his inability to do anything without there being an order underlying it. Maintain mission had been enough. It had been enough to get him to do the most heinous things. Hand and Koenig weren't the only deaths had had to answer for by Hydra's command. Fitz and Simmons weren't the only people he had placed in harm's way in order to protect himself. But all of the situations before had been crouched inside SHIELD ops, had been sheltered by mission directives and the expectations of his commanding officers. He had gotten away with them because they had seemed necessary at the time, but now, they weighed.
And that was why he was pacing, lapping circles in the tower's courtyard, with his head hanged down and his mind racing a mile a minute as he tried to clear his thoughts enough to piece together a plan of his own. Without orders, it seemed, he was...pretty helpless in the field.