Don't you dare. This is me. You can save your speeches for someone else. You're an idiot. You did something stupid. I'm finding a way to permanently attach a parachute to your uniform. Stop jumping onto or off of things.
How could we? I remember how I felt about you and I remember that I would never do that to you. I would happily ruin my own life and make myself a pariah all day long but I wouldn't ruin you. I found other ways to show it and then I ran around with girls because, yeah, I like girls too and maybe I'd find one I liked more or as much as I liked you but I brought you along because maybe you'd meet someone. I'm not going to get into Peggy. Because I think talking to you about that is just too much. It's not something you'll want to hear.
You're supposed to get the whole nine yards. You aren't just Captain America. You're Steve Rogers too. If you aren't then what's the point? If you have nothing to fight for how can you fight for anything? How can you really understand it? You're just hollowing yourself out. If you want to see what that looks like perfected watch me wake up in the morning when I still can't tell the difference between here and there. You think it's self sacrificing and worth it. To hold on to absolutely nothing and give your all. It's a thin line between that and me. Pierce said it was for the greater good too. Pierce said I was shaping the future.
I did and I sort of dated someone who looked like you and I've kissed someone who looks like me. None of that really leads to anything. I also got rid of everything I had that reminded me of those other yous and tossed out stuff I would've rather kept. I've always pined. I can actually live with that. I wanted to date for your benefit. Because, I don't know, maybe it's weird knowing your best friend is in love with you. I thought if I could just stop and direct my affection elsewhere you'd be more comfortable. It was never about not wanting you around. It was about wanting you around too much. And it's always about you. And that's weird to admit too so I'm going to stop talking.
Only not. Because your face isn't dumb. Your ears stick out and your nose is crooked and it takes away from the perfect picture everyone swoons over when they think of Captain America but I thought it was the best because they're not perfect. They're just you. I'm stopping that now.
No. You are. Like I said, it's easier when you don't remember anything. You accept anything because you don't realize it's supposed to be different. Did I have dreams? Did I want to be something or do something? I have absolutely no skills that are useful except for one and that's illegal. Everything is kind of blank and I stopped pushing myself to remember because everyone seemed to like where I was and no one knew me anyway so what was the point? So when you and Sam are talking about how well I've adapted and how I have my own life it's mostly because I still don't know much about who I am or was and maybe I made myself something everyone would like. This place doesn't need Captain America. It could use Steve Rogers. The war was going to end eventually. What were you going to do once it was over? Had you survived. Had we survived.
We were just friends. Did that hurt? Steve. It hurts. Everything hurts. Life hurts. This hurts. We lose people. We lose ourselves. That doesn't mean we don't try. That doesn't mean it's not worth the pain. Feeling something, anything, is wonderful. Loving you hurts. Losing those other versions of you hurts. Knowing it's different hurts. And, yes, sometimes I wish I could make myself forget. Sometimes I'd be more than happy to comply. But, if I really have the choice, I wouldn't give up that pain. Because everything else was worth it.
You're not alone. I'm not there. I can't be. There's so much... guilt over what I've done. And I don't fully remember myself there. It's confusing and I know your face but I just can't. I'm not there but I'm here. And here is important. Here is where things can be different. I'm not going anywhere and, hell, even if that's not true I'll still remember you. You aren't alone. You don't have to be. I'm with you 'til the end of the line.