When I was sixteen, I was tortured by a madman called Black Mask.
He stabbed me with a piece of broken glass, beat me up, and then choked me until I passed out. Then he strung me up and tortured me. First he used a knife. Then a scalpel. Then he got creative. I still panic a little when I see a power drill. I don't know how long it was before I got loose, it took forever and it hurt so much by the time I finally did. But I did get loose, and I nearly killed him. When I think about it, I could have stopped so much of what happened after if I had killed him. But I couldn't do it. I had a gun pointed right at him and I couldn't pull the trigger. He didn't have the same problem. He shot me, kicked me down a flight of stairs, and left me for dead. I still have scars, and I still have nightmares about it.
But the worst part was the things he said. That I wasn't very bright, but that I was pretty. That Batman probably kept me around for morale. The endearments he used while he was cutting me up. Like what was happening was something romantic. It was sick. It was disgusting. I want to throw up just thinking about it. But, I don't know...I've never felt very smart. When you get right down to it, I thought he was probably right. Not about Batman keeping me around for my looks, because Batman never saw much value in anything I did. He certainly didn't want me around in the first place. But that I was stupid and useless. Those were things I'd thought about myself plenty of times. Having someone else say them just made it seem more true.
And sometimes I can't help but feel like I deserved what happened to me. Everything that happened with the gang war, with Orpheus, with Black Mask...all of it was my fault. I was trying to prove myself...I was trying to be a hero. And all I did was get people killed. I could blame Bruce for not telling me he was Matches Malone, when apparently everyone else knew, but at the end of the day I was the one who decided to go through with that plan. I was the one who failed and caused all that chaos and death. People were hurt and they died because of me. So...yeah. I feel like I deserve what Black Mask did to me.
Even now, I still don't really feel like I deserve to be a hero. And I'm so scared, because now I have this tiny person who depends on me, and I'm not sure I'm good enough. I'm not sure I deserve this chance. I'm not sure I deserve to have Joy in my life.