CW: Reference to a previous conversation about abuse against a child. No details in this post.
Evelyn had not planned on telling Ness. She had often imagined what it would be like when they were both adults, well into their twenties or thirties, when the moment was right and everything made sense. However, things were interrupted by Ness being Ness. The aladren was a great friend to Evelyn, even when Evelyn had weird boy stuff to share and even when Evelyn had needed Ness’ help far more than it was normally okay to rely on someone for. Which was, of course, why Evelyn didn’t want to tell Ness.
When her conversation with Kir had taken place, there were too many moving pieces and too few days left in summer break. Evelyn’s birthday was only a few days before the start of term and telling Kir the day after her birthday meant there was not hardly any time to think about it and she certainly didn’t want to have this conversation at Sonora. Maybe if she and Ness were in the same House and shared a dorm room privately, but that was not the case. Now, with the McLeods milling about the way their family always did - with love and cheer and kindness and absolutely no pity for the girl from a broken home - Evelyn couldn’t keep her secret anymore.
She rolled up on the balls of her feet and clenched her hands into fists, swinging them by her side. Her breath hitched in her throat and her stomach roiled, but she knew it would be much worse if this conversation were to happen years from now. As pleasant as that hypothetical was, it simply wasn’t going to work like that; questions about why Evelyn had kept her secret from Ness when she’d told Ness’ brother would be much worse with so much time between the two incidents. Ness would, Evelyn knew, have the same reaction as Kir - parents and social workers and grownups and reassurances. But Evelyn would have to explain that those things had already been taken care of.
Evelyn settled back down onto the flats of her feet and sighed, relaxing her arms and her stomach. This couldn’t be helped and it would be better afterwards. She knocked on Ness’ door, familiar with the movements and the feelings in her stomach.
“Hey,” she smiled weakly when Ness responded. “Can I come in? There’s . . . something I want to talk to you about.”
And Evelyn told Ness everything the Aladren wanted to know. She answered every question and she told her whole story - not just the politely edited version she’d offered Kir or Marijke or Ms. Heidi. She let Ness’ willingness and curiosity be her guide for how much she shared and was satisfied that Ness finally knew every single thing about her. She just hoped that that wouldn’t change their friendship.
*
Are we talking about…? was Ness’ main question. And You need to tell… But Evelyn apparently already had. Including Kir. Kir was sort of an adult now, so Ness supposed that made sense but it was…. Kir. Ness had noticed the fact that Owlie brought Evelyn envelopes too. Was this why? It was sort of weird to think of him knowing something first and having a relationship with Evelyn outside of the parts of life where she tagged along with Ness. And/or applying eyeshadow. Evelyn was welcome to those parts of sibling bonding.
“Why’d you tell Kir?” Ness asked. It felt silly to be slightly suspicious of this, or slightly jealous - it wasn’t like these were fun conversations, so feeling left out sounded petty and stupid. Ness kept an even tone. You couldn’t criticise someone for how they told. That was a rule. But Evelyn had said Ness could ask anything, and that was what the Aladren wanted to know.
Evelyn frowned, not sure whether she felt more guilty or embarrassed, or whether it was just residual dislike of the situation she was explaining. She had hoped it would be easier to tell Ness because she’d already told somebody now, but it wasn’t at all. If anything, it might have been harder. Ness just mattered so much more. She wasn’t telling Ness because she needed help or because Ness was trying to help, but because she wanted Ness to know something about her that seemed important. That was a different sort of vulnerability.
“I didn’t mean to,” she admitted, working her words over slowly. “We were talking about . . .“ She paused trying to remember. The majority of her focus on that conversation had been the subject of this one but that wasn’t why she’d gone to him. “I wanted to ask him about how he and Zevalyn started dating. And he asked about people being pushy and stuff and it kind of just came up. I don’t like lying; I’ve never been any good at it. And I know your whole family has been so good to me. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair of me to try to lie about anything after everything you all have done for me.”
“That makes sense,” Ness acknowledged. It was tempting to somehow blame Kir for weedling it out of Evelyn, but Ness knew that wasn’t really fair either. And of course, it was good that Evelyn had told. That was probably more than enough on that subject for now, and Ness turned to pondering whether there was anything else to ask.
Evelyn looked away from Ness for a moment. The Aladren’s eyes were intimidating at the best of times and the strength of Ness’ character was ever present there. “I was afraid that you wouldn’t be my friend anymore if you knew I’d done that stuff.” She looked up again quickly, eyes snapping to Ness’ with horror. “That’s not right, is it? Do you still want to be my friend?”
“No-yeah - I do still want to be your friend,” Ness confirmed, struggling only with the fact that questions with opposing answers had come in rapid succession. “I do,” the Aladren confirmed, but it was muttered, Ness’ eyes searching the pattern on the bedspread instead of Evelyn’s face. Clearly, cogs were spinning back there. And it wasn’t that Ness didn’t want to be Evelyn’s friend. Or had any form of judgement. It was just… pictures. Pictures in Ness’ mind that really, the Aladren could have done without. Ness had always had a pretty vivid imagination. Not wanting to picture this wasn’t enough to keep that at bay. And it felt weird to be picturing it because it was icky and wrong, and wasn’t something that one should try to imagine. Ness didn’t want to look up, and see Evelyn and make the picture that much stronger, or worse still, have Evelyn somehow know that Ness was thinking all these things…
It didn’t change wanting to be Evelyn’s friend but it was a big thing to know. It definitely made it easier to not be jealous of Kir because Ness wasn’t sure how many people would actually want to know this. Knowing it definitely didn’t feel like a good thing. And Evelyn had already gone and told all the adults, and that was always what happened next. They went and told an adult, and then sometimes Ness stayed to hold Evelyn’s hand but the adult dealt with it. Now Evelyn wanted something else, something that was purely Ness’ reaction. And Ness felt important that Evelyn had confided, but also gross for feeling important, because this whole thing was horrible, and also scared and really wanted to fall back into the familiar routine of being the good friend who Evelyn could tell and then going and passing this on to a grown up to deal with. Except that door was closed.
“Why’d you tell me?” Ness asked, neutral not accusing, just… one more thing that needed answering. “Or… why now?”
Ness was as unreadable as ever, but Evelyn was fairly familiar with the various stages of thinking Ness displayed. Sometimes, it was just processing. Sometimes, it was searching for a solution or working through the next steps. Sometimes, it was processing a feeling. If nothing else, Evelyn was confident that Ness was thinking with that big beautiful brain and there was nothing that Evelyn could or would want to do to impede that.
She blinked, surprised when Ness possibly the last question she'd expected. She was glad that Ness still wanted to be her friend - and more surprised than she was proud of after all this time - and wasn't sure what to do with this question.
"I…" she paused, not sure how to say what she was thinking. "I wanted you to like me for me, despite it all. And I wanted to know that you had all the pieces. And I think that maybe it would come up and be weird and I don't wanna not be able to talk about relationship stuff someday because I am hiding something from you." Evelyn shrugged, embarrassed. "You're my best friend, and I want to share everything with you. Even the awful stuff or the embarrassing stuff. And the good stuff."
“Oh. Okay. Is… ‘thanks’ a weird response?” Ness checked, “Like… I’m glad you feel that way about me. But… it seems weird to say thanks for telling me that.” Especially because I’m not really sure I wanted to know…
Evelyn grinned. "That's a perfect response. People get so… uncomfortable. Which makes sense, but it makes me feel like a pariah." She rolled her shoulders and leaned back against the wall, slumping like this was just a conversation about something dumb, but her nose wrinkled in distaste at the same time. "I hate that. I'm still… like, I'm just me."
“Yeah, course you are,” Ness agreed, pleased that the response had been deemed not only satisfactory but, in fact, ‘the best.’ Ness liked giving the best possible answer to things. “Right. Yeah. Still you,” Ness confirmed, leaning back against the wall. And that answered Ness’ question. What did Evelyn want? Evelyn didn’t want anything to be any different. Evelyn didn’t want Ness to see what was inside the Aladren’s head right now every time Ness looked at her, or be freaked out or uncomfortable. So… that was what Ness would have to deliver.