Ilefonso watched his son’s face with a growing sense of unease. The family of four was together for lunch, something they tried to do as often as possible when the kids were home, and Felipe was clearly preoccupied. It wasn’t like him to let so much show on his face but it was plain as the sun hanging warmly in the December sky that Felipe was distracted, dissatisfied, and uncertain. The way he looked out over their family crops and the way his eyes followed the trails that spidered through the surrounding areas and down to Ciudad de Matteo could only be described as forlorn. It was as if he were saying goodbye to the well-known homeland of his family, or else as if he were greeting a guest that he’d long been dreading the arrival of. How it could be both at the same time, Ilefonso wasn’t sure.
Looking around, he realized that Leonor was looking as disinterested as ever, although it seemed to be an affected sort of disinterest, as she would periodically look towards Felipe or towards the house or towards the crops with a listless look in her eyes before she blinked and it disappeared again. Julieta was already looking at him when he looked at her, and they locked eyes for several moments. It was a silent conversation, but he knew his wife’s voice well enough to know exactly how she’d sound.
Something is wrong, she would say.
Ilefonso would agree. He almost always agreed with his wife, which was one of the most important things to look for in a spouse, he thought. If you were going to have a partner, it should be someone who challenged you and supported you both, never just one or the other. Felipe and Leonor had mentioned that there was a Ball coming up at the end of this year, and Julieta in particular had been fond of the idea of them each going to it. She wanted Felipe to take the opportunity to present himself as a young man instead of a boy, and she wanted Leonor to present herself as coming nearer to adulthood herself. She was young though, and a date was certainly not requisite.
Truth be told, Felipe was young enough that he couldn’t be expected to find a date at Sonora either, although Ilefonso had already met and begun courting Julieta by that age. That was not the way of modern American institutions, or else of families who had less interest in the future of their family line. Ilefonso and his wife were not interested in having more children, which meant Felipe was the only one left to carry on the De Matteo family name, although Leonor would certainly carry forth the blood of her family.
These thoughts must have made their way through Ilefonso and Julieta’s minds at the same time because they broke eye contact and Ilefonso pushed himself to his feet at the same time as Julieta turned to Felipe.
“Go for a walk with your father,” she told him with a soft smile. She had that way of smiling as if she already knew the next thing that was going to happen and was pleased with it that always put Ilefonso at ease. He supposed that it must not have done the same for her children as Felipe only bowed his head and copied his father’s movements, and Leonor raised an eyebrow, looking between her parents and brother with masked curiosity.
Felipe didn’t look at his father as he followed him towards the gardens of Los Jardines de Plata. He’d been considering the sprawl of vegetative metropolis, memorizing the multi-storey trees as well as the single-family shrubs. It wasn’t as if he didn’t already know them all by heart, but as if one of them had changed; either the garden had grown and shifted in Felipe’s absence, or his heart had been altered in the absence of the gardens. He no longer recognized the late-blooming dahlia tree, soaring over their heads and scattering petals on the upturned faces of its onlookers, or the pale pink Laelia orchids that kissed the garden stones all year round, or any of the other denizens of the living city center.
His mind turned to Zara - as it often did - when he and his father took the first few steps onto the trail through the gardens. Doing the same with Zara in a very different garden made Felipe realize then and there which he preferred, although he loved and admired his father very deeply; Felipe’s adventure buddy was too far away for this to feel like anything but an errand.
“What’s troubling you?” Ilefonso asked.
Felipe’s mind reeled for a moment as he stepped out of the memory of the conversation he’d had with Zara all those weeks ago. “What do you mean?” he replied, having learned long ago that to give up information without being sure it was required was usually a weakness in these situations.
“You have eyes full of thunderstorms,” Ilefonso said softly, his eyes also searching the garden around them. Eye contact was important. De Matteos did not relinquish that contact lightly, and Ilefonso doing so felt as much like a gift as a threat; whether he did so to make Felipe comfortable or to make him ready was impossible to know.
“Storms are good for growth,” Felipe replied, more softly still.
His father drew them to a stop at an intersection of two paths, where they could only choose left, right, or back. When Felipe turned to look at his father, he could see only the path to Ciudad de Matteo. When Ilefonso turned to look at his son, he could see only the path to the fields. Neither of them looked back.
“What do you want?” Ilefonso asked, his tone shifting into one of open curiosity. He cocked his head some and searched Felipe’s face.
Felipe didn’t know how to answer and was quiet for what seemed like a long time. His conversation with Zara had been brought to the forefront of his mind, and it was hard to think of anything else. At the same time, that was not something he necessarily wanted to tell his father about. But . . . what if he did? What would the consequences be? Worst case scenario, he’d either be denied or disinherited. Neither of those were acceptable. But what about best case scenario? Or okayest case scenario? Felipe wasn’t sure what the statistical odds were without knowing all the variables, and he didn’t dare guess.
He could answer truthfully without giving the whole truth away though. That was a skill he had learned from his family as much as his friends, although it made him wonder if he should’ve been nicer to Jessica after all. Thinking of the expression on the redhead’s face the last time they’d spoken at length in the Common Room was enough to make Felipe’s stomach turnover and then settle into a decision.
“I want to travel,” he said slowly. “I want to see the world and . . . and I want to live all over. I want to . . . “ Felipe paused to give himself time to think through exactly how he wanted to phrase ‘be reckless’ a little more positively. “I want to discover for myself what the consequences of my choices are. And I want to make those choices for myself.”
Felipe broke eye contact first, preferring the shame of looking at his shoes to the pain of looking at his father. Ilefonso was only thoughtful, not angry or sad or scared or happy (although Felipe wouldn’t have expected the last of these).
When the silence stretched on for another minute or so, Felipe also broke that. “I know I have responsibilities here,” he said quietly. “I know that.” There was no sense of resentment in his voice, just the plain desire not to hear that reminder from anybody else again.
“Do you want those responsibilities?” Ilefonso asked finally, his voice neutral. “Your sister does.”
Felipe flushed, embarrassed to think yet again of how much better suited Leonor was to the task set before him by accident of birth order. “This place is not about what I want,” he said, pointing with his chin in the direction of Ciudad de Matteo. It brought his eyes up again and he looked at his father again. “We do this for them.”
To Felipe’s surprise, Ilefonso only sighed. “Yes, my boy, we do. I think it’s fair to say they deserve a leader who wants the job, though.” Ilefonso ran a hand through his hair and Felipe recognized it as a habit he’d picked up for himself.
“Leonor wants the job.” Felipe’s voice came out barely above a whisper and he heard it as if it were someone else’s. His eyes rounded some at the realization that he’d actually said the words he’d been wanting to say for so long, but he maintained an otherwise neutral expression. That’s just what they did.
Ilefonso was quiet again before nodding. “Yes,” he said as if he’d just solved a math problem that wasn’t so hard once he finally figured out the formula. “She does, doesn’t she?” Ilefonso raised an eyebrow. “You don’t.”
It wasn’t a question and Felipe was grateful that he didn’t have to answer, although he dropped his gaze for the second time and that was likely answer enough.
Ilefonso sighed again and looked up at the sky. “Wherever you end up traveling, write to us. And if Leonor decides she doesn’t want this either,” he put his arms out and turned as if gesturing wouldn’t have been enough and he wanted to individually acknowledge every living thing around them, “then I’ll be sure she sends you her new address.”
Comprehension was slow to come to Felipe, in part because he could not believe what he was hearing. The anxiety that had been building in his chest for as long as he could remember suddenly felt very heavy; it had stopped swelling for just a moment but it wasn’t sure where else to go. Was it really that simple? Could it really be that simple?
He opened his mouth and snapped it shut once before opening it again and attempting to reply. “I don’t--”
“This is an inherited family estate, Felipe. Not a kingdom. Cuidad de Matteo will get on better with the legacy of people who wanted to be here than with the reality of a person who does not.” He shrugged. “Plus, I just thought it’s what you wanted. I didn’t know you didn’t.”
They walked back together, not towards the city and not towards the fields. Leonor and Julieta were sitting in tense silence, the former looking up hungrily at her brother, searching his face for news, and the latter looking up resignedly to her husband, smiling in consolation and victory.
“So?” Leonor burst once Felipe and Ilefonso were close enough to take their seats again. Felipe was pale and looked like he’d left his body behind when his mind couldn’t figure out what to do with it.
“Patience,” Ilefonso chided her, looking at her with a new sense of curiosity. He looked at Julieta, who nodded, and then back to his daughter. “That’s lesson one, then.”
Leonor’s eyes widened and her mouth snapped shut. She looked at Felipe again and he got the sense that she’d look at him the same way if he ever walked the stairs to be hanged for something he hadn’t done. He returned to the moment slowly, watching his family adjust for the hole that he was making. Breathing was a little bit easier and a hint of happiness threatened to make him smile if not for the shock that had etched itself into his face instead.
“If you change your mind,” Julieta said, raising an eyebrow and effectively reminding her family which one of them made the expression the most intimidating. “Do let us know sooner than thirteen years into this.”
Felipe and Leonor stared at each other, not sure what to say. Then Ilefonso broke the silence by laughing heartily and holding up a slice of cantaloupe that he’d left behind like he was making a toast. “Yes, please do. It does help us plan how much we can afford to send you both off with. Don’t spend it all in one place,” he added to Felipe, his eyes shining.
Felipe, for his part, planned on doing no such thing and his mind raced and reeled in equal measure as he thought of all the places he was going to be able to go someday.