Guilt – black waves of it – expanded throughout his chest and tried to compress every molecule of him into an infinitely tiny ball of self-loathing every time he allowed himself to fully think that thought, but he did. He hated being at home. He loved getting to see his mother, of course, and spending time with the extended family – but at the end of the day, he would be back in the townhouse, and sometimes it was fine for days, but always, eventually, something would happen. Maybe Jeremy would upset Mama at supper, or Nathaniel’s eyes would, all inadvertently, fall on one of his old hiding spots and it would be like something which had happened there before was happening all over again, or he would think he heard a sound in an empty room he had just walked by and for one moment would just forget….
When he grew up, he really was, he thought grimly and not for the first time, going to have to try to find Father. And quite possibly kill him. Or at least hex him until Grandmama herself wouldn’t recognize him.
At the moment, though, he was at home, and bit the inside of his mouth to keep from smiling at his younger brother’s attempt to seem very grave and adult. Nathaniel hoped he was being a good sport in returning the handshake, not actually mocking Jeremy – well, not more than a little, anyway.
“Thank you,” he said, then had a brief look of irritation cross his face when Jeremy asked about his acquaintances.
“You’ll get along better with some of them if you try to not – say things like that out loud,” he chided automatically. “It’s vulgar. Like the Pecaris who’ll be in your classes. Stay away from the ones who’ll be in second year then – they’re very strange.” He lifted his camera out of his trunk and carefully put it on the side table. “I’ll show you and Mother my latest album after supper,” he added, knowing his mother, at least, had enjoyed last year’s over the summer. “How have things been here?” he asked, more interested in that than in the current first years.