I will always love you Tess was, somehow, inexplicably, dry-eyed as she sat there in the waiting room. This time, the familiar room did not bring its usual sense of dread and horror. She could look at the walls without hating the colour magnolia. She could make eye contact with the few other people in the room, offering a slight smile to those who, one way or another, were sharing the same experience.
Once more, her parents had given her the choice to stay at home. But no. Tess hadn’t been there at the very beginning, but other than that she had been there every step of the way. Now that the journey was reaching a potential conclusion, there was nowhere else she would rather be than as close to Emma as possible, there until the end.
That morning, Emma had laughed as Tess had played with her, making faces and tickling her little toes. She had smiled as their mother picked her up to feed her and, in a bittersweet moment, had gurgled something that sounded suspiciously like ‘mama’. Tess had immediately fetched her phone, and tried to get Emma to say it again, but that first attempt at speech was something that would only exist forever in their memories.
Tess had held Emma’s hand as they carried her into the hospital, clinging to the feeling of those little fingers gripping hers tightly. The last cuddle had ended too soon, but as Tess held the little bundle of baby tightly to her chest, she had felt nothing but peace. These last months had been hard, so hard, but as they faced the unknown once more, Tess knew that she wouldn’t change them for anything. All the tears and pain would have been worth it for even just five minutes with Emma, and they’d had almost six months. Whatever came next, she would have the memories, and nothing could ever change that.
Even two months ago, Tess would never have believed that she could reach this level of acceptance. But her wonderful family, supportive friends, and her precious baby sister had taught her to live in the moment, to never take anything for granted. If she could trade anything for Emma to have a long and happy life she would, in a heartbeat. But Tess had finally admitted what she had known all along: there was nothing she could do, and nothing she should do. She couldn’t change what was going to happen. If the worst came to the worst, she would never forget Emma, and she knew her life would be better simply for knowing her baby sister for those six months.
So she didn’t cry. Tears would come later, she was sure, either happy or sad, but now was not the time for that. Now was the time for smiling, because Emma had lived, she had laughed and smiled, been loved and cuddled. Now was the time for hoping, because acceptance didn’t mean giving in, didn’t mean losing optimism or belief, and until Emma’s poor little heart stopped beating there was always a future, whether that be fifty years or just five minutes. And now was the time for loving, because no one could love Emma as fiercely as Tess did, as fiercely as Tess always would, because not even death would change that.