animal_house (animal_house) wrote in weddedto_sonora, @ 2016-01-11 21:53:00 |
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Current mood: | numb |
Saying Farewell (cowritten with The Mangers) Part One
It was in the early morning hours the day after Christmas when Kiva awoke. She was used to waking up this early. First, because of her career at Sonora, and then because of the specific times within a day that she had to provide Angel with his potions and medicines. She pushed herself out of bed and grabbed her robe. Yesterday had been a wonderful day, but it was hard to believe Christmas was already over with.
“Good Morning, Darling.” Kiva whispered as she entered Angel’s room. The room was silent, but that wasn’t really much of a surprise to her. Angel was always so quiet. Kiva wasn’t alerted to anything amiss until she sat on the bed to help him sit up to give him his morning potion. His stillness was too still, even for Angel. “Angel?” Kiva asked, shaking him gently. He was ice cold. There was a stabbing sensation in the pit of her stomach. “Angel?” She asked again, shaking harder. Her voice squeaked, giving away her panic. “Angel? Angel?” Fear took over. Kiva shook him repeatedly, calling out his name. “No no no no no…” The sobs came then. “Jeff!” She choked out. “JEFF!” She screamed.
It was the scream that woke the rest of the residents that shared the same floor. Emery rubbed his face to rid himself of the sleep and sat there listening to the noise of the house. He felt his heart stop into his stomach. Something terrible had happened. He could feel it. His mother’s voice from several rooms over was in agony. He heard Jeff shout and run down the stairs. Emery got out of bed and hurried out to the hallway. There, in front of Angel’s open door was Chloe. She looked like she was crying. His heart hurt. Harper stood beside Chloe. She was shouting for mom and dad, trying to get their attentions. Emery, on instinct, went to Harper first and picked her up. At the contact, Harper began to cry.
He couldn’t look into the room. He didn’t want to see what was happening. Whatever it was, he knew it would be painful. He could see it on Chloe’s face as he watched her. The sounds pulsated around him. He couldn’t really hear anything or feel anything. It worried Emery how numb he felt. How… disconnected he was.
People were running around him and Emery realized that the Healers had arrived. His dad must have fun down to floo for them. Jeff was shooing Chloe away from the door and Emery realized that he didn’t want to be standing there anymore. Keeping Harper steady in his arms, he reached out and took Chloe by the arm and yanked her from the door. The force had her moving again. The three of them left the second floor of the house, by passed the first floor, and went down to the basement where Ayita’s room and where the playroom were. Chloe knocked on Ayita’s door. Being the basement, she probably hadn’t heard the commotion from the second floor. When the door opened, Chloe flung herself into their sister’s arms, something she had done often when she was younger, and sobbed into her shoulder. “Angel… Angel…” She couldn’t finish the sentence. Emery left them and took Harper to the playroom. She was still sobbing and he was still numb. Cold and numb.
Emery woke up to Walter shaking him awake. He must have fallen asleep on the couch in the playroom. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked at the clock. It was after eight. Over two hours had gone by. “Come on Harpie.” Walter gentle shook her awake. “It’s time to say our goodbyes.” Their grandfather said. There was an emotion behind his voice. Emery recognized it but his brain refused to accept it.
Walter carried Harper back up the stairs with Emery trailing behind. When they reached the landing and entered the living room, Emery found everyone gathered around a floating Angel. His mom and dad were huddled to one side, his mom sobbing into dad’s shoulder. Chloe and Ayita were already next to Angel, whispering their goodbyes, hugging him or kissing his head. When they moved aside, Walter nudged Emery forward. He moved slowly towards his older brother. Angel was just floating in midair. He looked like he was sleeping. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real.
His chest tightened again. It was painful. He felt constricted and unable to breathe. Standing next to Angel, Emery reached out and placed a hand on his arm. It was cold. His brother was so cold. He looked so small and frail. This wasn’t right. He didn’t know what to say or do.
“Why do we have to say goodbye?” Harper asked Walter. They were standing beside him.
“Because he is an Angel now.” Walter explained.
“But he already was an Angel.” Harper countered. She had a small understanding of death, but it was not something that she had ever really had to face before.
“He is in God’s Heaven.” Walter tried to explain. They were not a religious family, but Heaven and God were things that Harper did know about. “He’s at Peace now, but they have to take him with them.”
“I don’t want him to go.” Harper whimpered.
“We have to say goodbye.” Walter insisted.
Harper started crying again. “But I don’t want Angel to go away. God can’t have him! Mommy, tell Papa that they can’t take Angel away!”
Emery couldn’t take it. He felt like he was suffocating. He backed away from his brother and out of the living room. He could still hear Harper crying and begging for Angel to stay when he reached the second floor. He needed it to go away.
In his room, Emery crawled into his closet and sat with his knees up and his hands cradling his head. When he was little, the closet had been his favorite hiding place. He felt safe in here. It was a small walk in closet (Chloe had the big one), but since he didn’t own a lot of clothes, he wasn’t cramped on the floor. He couldn’t hear anyone in here and the silence engulfed him.
“Em?” Emery looked up to find his Dad standing in the closet doorway. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. Jeff sat down beside him on the closet floor and pulled him close. The contact was what Emery needed and all the emotions that his body had struggled to keep at bay, poured through him. Emery buried his face into his father’s chest and cried. It broke Jeff’s heart to watch his family fall into this grief and being unable to help them. Emery had always been the strong silent support of the family and seeing him so broken now was utterly devastating. Jeff held him tightly and cried with his son.
______
In the days that followed Angel’s death, the Jareau household quieted as the members of the family handled their grief in their own ways.
Kiva was lost in her grief, not quite able to pull herself from it. She went through the motions of living because the people in her life refused to let her wallow in bed, but there was no heart behind it and everyone could see that. She felt like she had failed as a mother. For years, she had tried to find ways to extend Angel’s life, to rid him of the evils that his deranged family had done to him. But it hadn’t been enough and now his was gone. How could she live with that?
Jeff tried to hold everyone together. He worked with Walter and Melissa to get the funeral arrangements ready. He took care of Harper because her mother wasn’t ready to do so, and he made sure that Emery and Chloe got up every morning. Ayita continued to work, so he only worried about whether or not she came home at might. He was grateful that Melissa and Walter were there to help with Harper and with Kiva when things became too much for him alone. He had always thought he had been prepared for Angel’s death, but he had been naive to believe that he could ever prepare for the loss of a child.
Ayita did her best to divide into two people. A lot of her time was spent out of the house; she would go to work and then go out with Fletch, staying out late enough to try to forget what waited for her without being gone too long and alarming her family. At home, she kept finding herself in Angel’s room, staring at what was left behind and wondering where he was now, if he was now. She spoke very little to her parents and siblings, giving short, quiet replies when necessary. She didn’t even have the energy to play with Harper. Ayita was by nature the kind to try to mend the broken and heal the hurt, but this time, she couldn’t help anyone. She could barely help herself.
Chloe stayed out of the house. Ben was her champion during these days. Just as he had when her biological mother passed away a couple of months before, Ben kept her warm. Some people might have thought less of her for sleeping with him when neither of them were in love or married, but she felt wanted when she was with him. He cared for her and he noticed her. Feeling as alone as she did, having someone want her in anyway made her feel human. When they were done and Ben was either asleep or in the shower, the loneliness ebbed its way back in until it consumed her all over again.
Emery spent most of his time in his room. He had thought about writing his friends to let them know what happened, but after trying and failing several times to figure out the best way to write it, Emery decided against it. That was the only attempted socializing he had done. The rest of the time, he looked at old family pictures with his music blaring to drown out the silence and the noise simultaneously. He felt utterly alone, but he couldn’t bare to reach out to anyone else.
Harper didn’t understand why Angel had to go. She didn’t understand why Mommy wouldn’t look at her. She didn’t understand why Daddy would pull her away from Mommy and take her into another room. She didn’t understand why Emery wouldn’t come out of his room or why Chloe wouldn’t spend time with her. She wanted Angel back. She wanted everyone back. Grams and Papa Walter played with her, but then Daddy would need their help and she was alone again. Maybe she could spend some time with Vlad and Ivy until Angel came home.
______
The day before the funeral, the atmosphere in the house changed drastically. It was only the Emery, Harper, and Kiva in the house. Emery was exiting the bathroom when he heard Harper screaming and crying from downstairs. Seconds later, he heard the smoke alarm going off and smelled something burning. He ran down the stairs and through the house until he got to the kitchen. The stove was on fire and dark smoke billowed from the flames. A pan was engulfed by it all. Harper stood near the stove, crying for their mom. “Harper, get away from there!” Emery shouted, pulling her away and running to the fire extinguisher. It only took a second to put it out, but his heart was pounding with fear.
“Are you okay?” He asked his little sister, but she wasn’t listening, her focus was on the now extinguished fire. “Harper!” Emery yelled, getting down to her level so that she could only focus on him. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry!” She wailed, sobbing even more. “I just wanted to make Mommy something to eat.”
“Are you hurt?” He asked, looking her over. She shook her head. Emery stood back up and looked around. Through the archway, he could see his mom standing in front of the window. This whole time, she had been standing there. Anger flared in him. Marching across the kitchen and into the livingroom to face his mother. “Mom.” He said, he was inches from her face, blocking her view from the window. But she didn’t seem to notice him. She looked completely lost. “Mom!” Emery said again, louder than before. He placed his hands on her shoulders, hoping that would get her attention.
Still nothing.
“Mom! God damnit! Mom!” He shouted, shaking her to get her out of her state. “WAKE UP! MOM!” He kept shaking her until he felt her arms on his, pushing him away. “You can’t go away anymore! You can’t just go off into your own little world. Not now! We need you. Harper needs you!” Emery exclaimed, still angry and yelling.
“Em.” Kiva started. “I…”
“Harper accidentally started a fire trying to cook you a meal. If I hadn’t been here, who knows what could have happened!”
“Oh my God.” Kiva’s eyes widened, it was the most alert he had seen her in days. Kiva pushed past him and ran to the kitchen where Harper was. “Baby Girl, I’m so so sorry! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Kiva asked, pulling her daughter into a teary-eyed hug.
“It’s okay, Mommy!” Harper stated, giving her mom a tight hug. “I didn’t mean to make a mess. I was trying really hard to be careful.” She whispered.
“I don’t care about the mess as long as you’re okay.”
“Mom, I mean it.” Em cut it, standing in the archway with his arms folded in front of him. “You can’t do that anymore.”
“I know, Em. I know. I just…” Kiva couldn’t really explain what happened to her. She was lost. The grief had been unbearable and her mind had retreated from it. “I’m here now. I’m here.” Kiva repeated, standing up and pulling Emery into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“We need you too.” Emery said, trying hard to not cry again. “We lost him too.”
“I’m here now and I won’t go away again.” Kiva said firmly.
“I don’t know how to let go, Mom. Everyone is broken and I can’t help them because I can’t let him go.” Emery said, unable to stop himself from crying.
“You don’t have to fix anyone, Em. And you don’t have to let him go until you’re absolutely ready.” It burned her knowing how much suffering her children were going through. “We’ll get through this together. Tonight, we’ll have everyone home and talk. We’ll get through this.”
_____
Later that evening, Harper waited patiently for her older sister to be done using the bathroom. Chloe had come home a half hour before, but by the fact that she didn’t take her shoes off, Harper knew she was going to try to leave before dinner, but Harper needed both of her older sisters to be home because Mommy was better and they were going to have a real dinner together tonight. No sooner had Harper thought that did the bathroom door open and her sister came out with her hair done and her jacket on. “You can’t leave!” Harper cried out, running to get in front of her sister and block the door. “Mommy’s making everyone dinner and Ayita will be home too and we’ll all eat together like we used to!”
“I’m not hungry, Harper.” Chloe replied, trying to step around her little sister.
“No!” Harper said firmly, crossing her arms and pouting. “Mommy said things are going to get better now, so you have to stay.”
“They’re not going to get better.” Chloe said, an angry undertone to her voice came through. “Angel is gone. He’s gone.”
“He’s coming back!” Harper insisted. “Mommy said things were going to change and get better. Angel has to come back!” Her own stubbornness in the matter flaring up.
“He’s dead, Harper! He’s not coming back. Don’t you get that? We can’t fix this!” Chloe shouted. Her grief getting the best of her, making her momentarily forget that Harper was just a child who didn’t quite understand fully what was happening. Harper’s chin trembled and tears leaked from her eyes. When the sobs started, Chloe couldn’t help her own from forming too. “I’m so sorry, Harper. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” She dropped to her knees and hugged her.
“Take it back!” Harper cried. “Take it back!”
“I’m sorry, Harper, I’m sorry!” Chloe said again through her crying, pulling back from the hug to look at her. “But I can’t take it back. He is gone. No matter how much we want him back, we can’t have him. He isn’t ours anymore.”
“Why?” Harper whimpered.
“Because…” Chloe couldn’t think of any reason why Angel had to go away. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“Chloe.” Her mother called to her. She had joined them in the hallway, but Chloe wasn’t sure how long she had been there, but her face flushed from embarrassment over her argument with her little sister. “Harper.” Kiva looked between them. This was the first time in days where her mother looked clear headed and present. “Angel was very sick and we, Daddy and myself, we always knew that there would be a time when the medicine wasn’t going to help him any longer.” Her voice choked for a moment and Kiva looked away from them to compose herself. “He died in his sleep. He wasn’t in any pain. He is at peace now.”
Kiva dropped to her knees beside Chloe to look at Harper. “He’s not coming back, Harper, because he is in a much better place.”
“Can I visit him?” Harper asked.
“No Baby, he’s someplace that we can’t see.” Kiva said. “But maybe, one day, when you are so very very old-”
“Like Mommy.” Harper interjected.
“Even older, when your hair is white and you're full of thousands of wrinkles and you have lived a very long and happy life and have lots of great great great grandbabies surrounding you.” Kiva countered, “Maybe then you’ll be ready to see him. But not a moment before then, ok? Promise?”
“Promise.” Harper agreed.
Kiva gave Harper a hug before turning her attention to Chloe. “I am sorry that I haven’t been here for you; I know it’s been so hard for everyone, but I really do need everyone home tonight. Please stay home tonight.”
“Okay.” Chloe responded, as much as she didn’t want to, she knew it was the best thing to do right now. “Mom… no one blames you for spacing out. We get it.”
Kiva gave her a sad smile, “Thank you, but it won’t happen again.”
“I’ll try to get ahold of Ayita for you. I think she’s been taking extra shifts at work.” Chloe and Kiva returned to their feet. Chloe went off to the floo to reach out to Ayita while Kiva went to the kitchen with Harper following behind her.
******************************
“Tomorrow is the funeral.” Kiva said to the table. She was so grateful to Jeff and her parents for putting it altogether. Somehow, Jeff had managed to keep himself together to get things done and she knew it was so unfair for her to have taken everything they did and do for her for granted, but at the time, she had been lost in a whirlwind of grief and despair. “We have the option of speaking if we want. I’m not going to force any of you to talk in front of people, but if you would like to…”
“I would.” Chloe spoke up.
“You would?” Kiva asked, sounding surprised.
“Yes, I would.” Chloe responded firmly.
Giving her daughter a smile, Kiva looked around the table at everyone else. “The, uh, Pastor, will be doing most of the talking and at one point stop and ask if anyone would like to say something. He’ll introduce anyone that we list beforehand, so Chloe will be first and anyone else who says they would like too.”
“Me too,” Ayita said quietly, barely above a whisper. She had no idea what she would say, but not saying anything felt like a disservice to Angel. “I want to speak too,” she reiterated a bit louder, a bit stronger, to guarantee she was heard.
Kiva nodded to Ayita, letting her know that she had been heard. “We will have to be there early to say our private goodbyes and then be ready to greet people. We will be seated at the front together. Because we’ll have Muggles there, we have to have pallbearers. I know your Dad, Walter, and I plan on being then, but we need three more. Are you three willing to do it?” Kiva asked her three oldest. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. Some of Angel’s Healers have expressed their desire to help.” Kiva didn’t want to make them feel obligated to help if they knew they wouldn’t be able to go through with it.
“When it’s over, people will be coming here to celebrate Angel and… I don’t know, it’s just something people do after funerals.” Kiva sighed. She didn’t want to discuss this over dinner, but they had to be prepared for the day. “Thoughts?” She asked the table.
“I’ll help with the casket.” Emery said quietly from his seat. “Me too!” Chloe quickly agreed.
“As will I,” Ayita added in turn.
Now that all of that business was out of the way, they could continue their family dinner in whatever peace they could muster.