Voices (July SA 23) The voice in her head was getting louder, the one that told Autumn how fat she was getting. It had been there all along, and she'd been trying desperately to ignore it, because she didn't want to go back to the hospital. She wanted to stay out and marry Daniel. However, she wasn't sure she could keep this up much longer.It was getting intolerable.
Besides, it was like that voice, the disorder had become her closest friend over the years, and it wasn't good to turn one's back on a friend, especially a supportive one that encouraged Autumn. It was almost like she was hurting it, when it only ever helped her.
And it was now honestly harder to make herself eat than it was to suppress her cravings for food. She'd gotten so used to starving over the years that the thought of food had become rather nauseating. When Autumn sat down for meals, it was like waiting for an executioner, sitting grimly over her plate, choking back bite after bite. Trying to eat the exact "right amount" all the while feeling guilty and anxious and just very bad about herself, that voice telling her how fat she was going to get.
She lied on her bed, painfully aware of how her thighs were touching. Autumn didn't want that. It used be that they hadn't back when she was skinnier. Her hands used to be able to encircle her upper arm. Now she saw nothing but bulges of fat everywhere, she supposed she had before too, just fewer of them. Autumn didn't want there to be any . She felt like a gelatinous blob.
The Crotalus alumna knew she couldn't continue this way. Every day the voice telling her she was fat got louder. Besides, even though Daniel claimed to love her and she believed him, Autumn still felt he'd someday find her unattractive. She firmly believed that he didn't realize the implications of her eating, what she'd end up looking like.
Granted, Autumn did not want to end up in the hospital again. Even though it was the place where most people went to get healthy, in her case, it ended up being the place where she went to get fat . Not that she didn't have a lot of severe medical problems, but nothing was more important to her than being thin.
So start dieting again, it's better than being turned into a human bludger, heavy and round. Just don't get caught.
Autumn nodded at the voice's directions. Yes, she'd be smarter. Nothing and nobody was going to stop her this time.