He wants to marry her, but why is she so sad? (Simon/Jen log)
Simon sighed as he looked at his phone. He hadn't talked to her for a couple days, and he'd been avoiding her. It wasn't the right thing to do, but he didn't know what else to do, honestly. Finally he sucked it up and made the call.
Jennifer picked up her cell phone. She was out and about, half searching for Jake and half trying to get her errands done. She looked at her phone and hit the talk button. She wasn't sure how this was going to go. She'd told Charlie she didn't know if she was going to end up being upset with Simon over Jake, and she still didn't know. She hadn't seen her roommate since.
"Hello?"
“Jen? I..” Simon knew he should say something, but how do you say “sorry for scaring away your telepathic slightly touchy cat”? “It’s Simon.”
He was busy pacing his office. Watson was out at the moment. In fact, he hadn’t seen Watson in a while. That was a mystery for another time
“Hey, Simon.” It seemed like a strange formality. The exchange of names. He’d known who he was calling. She’d known it was him by the caller ID. She wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. “How’s things?
She didn’t want to accuse Simon of anything. Jennifer decided to wait and see if he’d bring it up. At least for the moment.
“Hey, did you make a wish? I did. I got to be Charlie for a day.”
“Wish? I make wishes all the time, but...” Simon coughed a little as he thought that one through. “You got to be Charlie for a day? What does that mean exactly? Not that I think it’s really possible, but this place has made many things possible that shouldn’t, did you turn into Charlie?”
He decided sitting was probably better to do. This had to be one of their more awkward conversations, or maybe it was just him. The doctor took a lean against the edge of his desk, wondering if she was still Charlie. He didn’t think so; she sounded like Jennifer.
“Not exactly.” She admitted. “My wish was to understand him. He’s all Zen all the time, and well... we don’t really do Zen where I come from. I wanted to know how his brain works. Then my brain worked like that for a whole day.”
“Oh.” What else was there to say to that one? “I thought for a moment you were going to say you were him. The whole male body, ginger haired package.” Yes, Simon remembered what Charlie looked like; it was one of those things that bothered him and made him feel insecure. Why would Jennifer be with Simon Tam when she could have the strange mystery that was Charlie Crews? Other than perhaps Simon had better manners.
“Did you like it?” Did this count as small talk? Weren’t they over small talk?
“I’m not real sure, yet. It was interesting. I don’t know if I’d want to be that complex every day.” She paused. “He’s very complex. His brain is always going. Always. A fruit is not just a fruit to that man.”
“Yeah, and a cigar is sometimes just a cigar.” Simon didn’t sound overly jealous or snarky, not at all. “So...” He was going to bring it up. “How’s Jake?”
Her pause wasn’t something that could be ignored. She tried to shorten it, but the words caught in her throat. She cleared it, and finally found the ability to talk. “I’m not sure. He’s gone. He took some of his stuff with him. I was actually going to ask you about that. I’m pretty sure that you’re the last person to speak to him. Simon? Did... did something happen between you and Jake?”
Simon bit back a groan. Of course, Jake really left, gorram cat. He couldn’t stay still anymore; sometimes he thought better moving. Just pacing would have to do for now. His pause wasn’t as long as hers, but there was one.
“I suggested having something other than tuna for breakfast. He got upset. I tried to explain that variety was good for any creature’s diet. He corrected me. I said something. He said something, ended with alpha male bullshit, and he took his toys and left.” Simon had no idea that last bit could be taken as more snark than the way he said it. He meant it literally.
Jen was frowning now. Rubbing her forehead with her fingers. Jake had really left because of Simon. She’d known that in her gut, but she’d been hoping so hard that it wasn’t true. She didn’t like this at all.
Since Jake’s toys were gone, she decided to take Simon’s mention of them as just that. A mention. Not a way of being snotty at her or about the cat.
“I can’t find him anywhere.” She told him. She was trying to keep her anger out of her voice. There was worry there, too. “Jake is my best friend, Simon. I love having him as a roommate. I love having him around. Not just because he cooks.”
She didn’t want to accuse Simon of things, she really didn’t. It couldn’t have been entirely his fault. There had to be some misunderstanding on Jake’s part. But Simon could be so... cold. So doctorly. So factual. His social skills were not what she would call well weathered. She could understand how Jake could take some of the things he’d said, and she didn’t know all of them, too harshly.
“I don’t want to know the whole thing.” She began again. “That’s between you two. But I would really appreciate if you would help me find him. Tell him that you’re sorry. Tell him that I want him to come home. If you find him first, of course. If I find him, I’d like you to apologise anyway.”
“That I’m...!” Simon had been pacing, but that stopped him cold. “That I’m sorry? I’m fine with a damn cat being your roommate. Hell, I’m fine with his talking right in to my head or whatever he’s doing. But, I’m not telling some gorram cat sorry because he got his panties in a twist about something I said.” This was the wrong day to grow balls.
“I didn’t say anything other than eating something different. I don’t know about you, but eating fish every morning is not exactly great. Smelling it is worse. Every,” Chinese curses fell one after the other. “Jennifer, he’s a cat. So what if he can speak to us? You’re going to ask your boyfriend to apologize to a cat for something he’d say to whatever idiot you might be living with? I’d have said the same thing to some moron who ate cereal or waffles or those little yogurt tube things. You can’t eat the same thing every day.” They’d figured out how to do it in his time, but that didn’t mean it was a good thing. It was the only thing.
“He’s very intelligent, and he’s capable of communicating with us, Simon. But he is a cat. He has cat likes and cat dislikes and one things cats really dislike is being told what to do!” She was bristling because of his tone. “He eats fish in the morning. It’s always with something different, and it’s not always the same kind of fish, either.”
She was fairly sure this was something that Jake would have told the doctor. But she said it anyway. Because she knew Jake’s eating habits, and didn’t think they were all that bad. Hell, most mornings, she didn’t even eat. Which meant that Jake was one up on her.
“And yes, I do think you should apologise. It’s his house. If he wants to cook fish, he gets to.”
“I’m not going to apologize when he made it personal.” Simon didn’t see complaining about fish or someone’s diet as overly personal; he might have also been misremembering. “Maybe you’re better off without him. He’s a cat. He’s going to come and go when he wants. He brings in fleas, ticks, other parasites. And, his telekinesis only goes so far. One day he’s going to be lifting a couch, and it’s going to fall right on you.”
For a long moment, Jennifer just stared at what was in front of her in the store with her mouth open in shock. Then she smiled nicely at the clerk helping her and whispered that she’d be right back. When she got outside, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. What she wanted to do was yell at him. But she’d learned something from being Charlie for a day.
“He’s not just a cat, Simon. I’ve already told you that. I’m fairly sure he’s much cleaner than a lot of people I see day to day. He’s never brought in anything like a flea.” She breathed again. “How could you say I’m better off without him? I don’t understand why you’d think that.”
“Why do you need him at all? I’m there. You don’t need him. Plus that place gets crowded with all three of us. He’s always judging me, like I’m not good enough for you.” Simon didn’t whine. He was just moving very slowly, back and forth in the office that seemed to be getting smaller and smaller. “Or would you rather he were your boyfriend? You wouldn’t have bitten him, would you? Try to eat him? You’d have to protect the fucking cat, right?”
“Simon Tam!” Jennifer said very sternly. It was a voice she hadn’t used in a really long time. “The fucking apartment is huge! He has his own goddamned bedroom! If it’s too crowded when there’s all that room, I... I have no idea! Didn’t you live on a fucking spaceship? That couldn’t have had much room.”
She shook her head. People in the street were staring at her. She made a face at them. She decided that she wasn’t even going to comment on what he said about Jake being her boyfriend. That was just petty. That was... that was low. And weird.
“I’m pretty sure I would have tried to eat anybody, by the way. Anybody. I was a fucking ZOM-BIE.” The last word was drawn out. “What is your fucking problem?”
“My problem is that I have to be nice to people. That I have to be what people want. I have to think that some fucking cat is wonderful when really he’s just a cat that got lucky to be born on a planet that had other fucking talking cats. It was luck. He’s not special. No one here is special. I’m not.” Simon knew he wasn’t. “I’m tired of coming in second to everything and everyone. I’m tired of having to prove myself. I’m tired of seeing Kaylee and feeling bad that I would rather be in your bed than her fucking hammock. I’m tired of hoping you don’t decide I’m not good enough. I’m tired of that asshole Lecter thinking he’s better, smarter, that he has any right to my sister. I’m tired of my sister being the fucking center of the universe and thinking she actually knows what the hell she’s doing. And I’m tired of all this. There are days, I long for the that fucking spaceship. There I knew what was what. Here...it’s ridiculous. People are backwards and stupid. I’d rather be there with nothing but proteins and Black. That’s my fucking problem.”
Jennifer was honestly not quite sure where this was coming from, most of it. She didn’t retort about Jake, because obviously he was feeling sensitive about that right now. But Jake WAS special. Was something to be admired. He was smarter than 90% of the humans she’d met in her entire life. He knew things about things that she couldn’t even pretend to understand.
She chewed on her lip, trying to sort through the rest of what he’d said. She couldn’t blame him for being tired of Hannibal Lecter. She didn’t even have to work with the guy and he was exhausting to her. And feeling bad about Kaylee, well, she couldn’t say anything to that. She’d said everything already. She’d thought he’d gotten over that feeling.
“I’m sorry you’re not happy here.” She said, almost at a whisper. “But there’s never been a time when I didn’t think you were good enough. You’ve never had to prove yourself to me, Simon. I’ve loved you for you since I met you.”
It was all she could think to say. She hoped it didn’t come off as condescending.
“Loved me? You didn’t even know me. I wanted to kiss you, but love...love didn’t come til later.” Simon sighed, this was not how this was supposed to go. “Nothing works how it’s supposed to. Nothing goes the way it’s planned. It should do that here. Even when I just go with it it works out wrong.” He sighed again.
“I’m sorry that Jake and I don’t get along. But, I can’t be the other man, especially not to a telepathic cat, no matter how many degrees he has.” His head bowed. “I think maybe I need time. I’ll keep an eye and ear out for Jake, but maybe I just need to figure out my issues because you seem to have everything handled. Everyone does. I think whatever’s going on is going on with me.” It’s not you, babe; it’s me - only Simon honestly thought this.
“Just take some time. Yeah.”
She really couldn’t believe that she was hearing this. Jennifer shook her head, even though she knew Simon couldn’t see it. Time always meant the end. She’d never experienced “taking time” and had it end up with things working out. Not once.
She also didn’t understand how he could feel like the other man. Perhaps if all of this had been projected on Charlie, she could have understood. But Jake was a cat. Feline. While smart and funny and everything else he was, she’d never once thought of him romantically. Because he was a cat. Something she couldn’t have gotten past even if she’d tried. Or wanted to try. It was absurd.
“You can’t tell me how I felt.” Jennifer told him. “You can’t tell me that I didn’t love you right from the start. Maybe falling in love took time. But love? Simon, I knew that I would care about you deeply from the get go. You’re handsome and smart, and I fell for you like a pile of bricks.”
“I was a challenge. You like challenges.” Simon smiled softly. He wasn’t trying to insult her; he loved her for it. “You were patient with me. I’m just not what you need. Not like this. Not when I can’t even handle some damn cat living with you. I just need time. I’m sorry. I need to become a better man, a better person.”
She didn’t think that was fair. She didn’t think that it was all about challenges for her. She’d liked Simon for Simon, not because he was difficult. But she couldn’t deny that he was difficult.
“I like you the way that you are, Si.”
“I don’t. I don’t like the way I am. I love you, Jennifer, and I want to make you a happy woman. But, I can’t. I’m sorry. I hate to do this over the phone. I guess I’m not man enough. I couldn’t do what I need to do if I saw you crying.” Simon didn’t want her to see him crying. “I think, for now, we should...not be together.”
When he said the words, she was crying then. But she managed to keep it silent. Just tears. “I don’t know what to say. What am I supposed to say? Okay? I don’t want this. It doesn’t sound like a good idea to me. Doesn’t sound like a wonderful idea. Tell me what to say.”
“I don’t have an answer. Maybe if I did, this would be happening. I’ve never had to say these things. I’ve never wanted to be a better person. Never wanted to protect anyone from what I am, but I have to. Just don’t hate, or if it helps do. I..” Simon’s voice caught, but he coughed to cover it. Or try to cover it. He was saved from saying anything more.
“Hold on.” His voice turned to the one she’d probably heard if she ever came to visit him in the ER; he was all professional. There was also another voice, muffled.. “I have to go. There was an attack of some kind.” He said something to the other voice. “Jen, I love you. I hope to marry you one day. But, right now, I need to make sure I deserve you.”
It wasn’t fair. He knew it wasn’t, but he couldn’t ask for a minute to hash things out when someone could be dying. She’d understand, right?
“I.... okay...” Jennifer said, staring at the phone, which was now disconnected. She did understand. It was just awfully inconvenient. This was, by far, the strangest breakup she’d ever had. He loved her. He wanted to marry her, he’d said. But they weren’t together anymore.
She didn’t go back into the shop. She sat on the curb instead.