- Under no circumstances am I to even contemplate asking the faeries if they offer a dating service as well.
- I will not attend a vampire ball dressed as movie Dracula ever again, no matter how funny it seems at the time
- I will not let Amanda Carpenter talk me into being her Show and Tell project again, no matter how cute her puppy-dog eyes are.
- I will not "correct" Harry Potter books. a) From the library. b) In red pen.
- Twice-divorced women are not wooed by the mantra "Third time's the charm!"
- I will not consider prosthetic chainsaw attachments. My hand may WILL heal.
- I will not refer to my blasting rod as my "boomstick."
- "Klaatu barada nikto!" is not an appropriate spell. a) Regardless of whether or not I say it correctly. b) Even if it did work.
- Similarly, "Eta Kooram Nah Smech" will not make an enraged Murphy fall asleep.
- I will not make "your mom" jokes to Thomas. It only encourages him and is counterproductive.
- I will not lurk around elementary schools, even if there are monsters on the playground. a) Having lurked, I will not laugh at the cop who's come to 'talk' to me. b) Having laughed, I will not suggest he call Murphy. c) Having suggested, I will at least be glad that I brightened her day, judging from the hysterical laughter.
- I will not tell vampires to "bite me," as that joke is dead and rotting. a) Similarly, if I say "fuck you" to a White Court vampire, I deserve what I get.
- Quoting Labyrinth at the faeries is just asking for trouble.
- A flea collar is not an appropriate gift for a werewolf.
- I will not use my pentacle amulet to ward off Jehovah's Witnesses.
- I will not tell impressionable young children that my dog is part wolf. Or Sirius Black.
- Changing the tagline on my ad to read "Who ya gonna call?" is a violation of good taste as well as copyright laws.
- I will not address the Council in Pig Latin. Even if it is easier than real Latin. Stupid correspondence course.
- I will not pitch my life story to Peter Jackson. Viggo Mortensen isn't nearly tall enough to play me, anyway.
- I will not poke people with my stick. a) If I must poke people with my stick, it will in fact be my stick, and not my...stick.
- I will not answer questions I don't know the answer to with "A wizard did it". It was not funny the first time, nor was it funny the subsequent seventeen times. a) Even if a wizard did do it. b) Especially if it was me.
- While wearing my wizard robes, I must not Jedi wave 'this is not the house you are looking for' at visiting Mormons, vacuume-cleaner salesmen or Avon ladies. a) Or Jedi wave 'These cookies are free' as visiting Girl Scouts.
- As tempting as it might be to show off, I will not demonstrate 'Jedi powers' to the geeks at the gaming shop. Or as Sci-Fi conventions.
- Stercus Caput is not a valid title of address at council meetings. a) Even if it did make Ebenezer shoot whisky out his nose.
- I will not introduce myself as Gandalf the White, Radagast the Brown, or Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
- When asked my name, I will not answer "There are some who call me... Tim?"