Lissa Dragomir (littlequeen) wrote in wariscoming, @ 2015-05-19 18:14:00 |
|
|||
The vacation to Regina's island had been good for Rose. She wouldn't say she was 100% healed. She certainly hadn't forgotten about the horrible things she'd done during that week when she hadn't been herself, but after what had essentially been an extended therapy session in the middle of a tropical paradise, she was finally starting to move past everything. The cocktails and the fact that she'd been surrounded by beauty hadn't hurt. Strigoi didn't see beauty in the world and being around it constantly for the time they'd been gone went a long way to remind Rose that the nightmare was over. More than that, it reminded her that it was important to appreciate the things you had in your life while you still had them. Things like the friends she had been pushing away since her restoration. She couldn't really run out and try to fix things right away when they got back, because the whole reason they'd come back when they did was the Regina had her memories of the last few years. Rose had offered to watch her son without hesitation, urging her to go have the happy reunion she'd been denied... so many times now. Some part of her wondered if she'd ever have that with Dimitri again. Things were different here. There was a chance they'd never find their way back to one another. She wasn't going to begrudge Regina that chance, though, so she'd been happy to watch the kid while her friend went off and got her happy ending. It was sometime later after she'd been relieved of her babysitting duties when she found out where Lissa was staying and made her way over there. Tracking her down hadn't been easy, since she wasn't staying at Graeves House anymore, but Rose figured that still wasn't really the hard part. With everything she'd done, with the way she'd acted, she half expected Lissa to refuse to talk to her. She really wouldn't blame her if she did. But she banged on the door, anyway. Fixing things with her best friend wouldn't be easy, but right now it was at the top of her to do list. ~~~ Things had been horrible, beyond horrible the last few months. She’d lost not only Christian, to her best friend killing him, but also she lost Rose and Lissa was starting to think that she was never going to get her friendship with Rose back. Not to mention the fact that Rose was ignoring her, that really didn’t help matters. Lissa felt abandoned. She still had Allison, and she was thankful for that, but she didn’t want to constantly lean on Allison. She still had some other friends and other people who cared about it, and yet she felt totally lost. She’d moved into the Bunker the Winchester brothers had, and it was safe. It wasn’t the best place in the world she’d been but one thing for sure was that it was safe. It was also her pushing herself to have her life move forward. She was stuck here and hiding and avoiding things wasn’t going to do anyone any good. She was furious with Rose, taking off and not even talking to her. Acting like it was all about her. She thought Rose was being endlessly selfish in the way she’d acted. She’d ditched Lissa and decided spending time with Regina and leaving on a trip was a better plan. Lissa in the meantime had stayed behind and continued her life. She picked up the pieces and maintained going to school and working hard. She had more than enough money now but she’d also found time to volunteer and work with the battered women’s shelter. Lissa hadn’t been home when Rose had knocked, but she’d been just a moment behind her, coming from campus where she’d had a study group. “Rose?” She said as a mixture of emotions slammed into her. She wanted partly to hug her friend, but she was too angry and devastated for that. “What do you want?” Lissa said her voice harsher, colder than it normally ever would be. “Unless of course you’re here looking for someone else.” Lissa wasn’t the only person that lived in the Bunker. “I’d be happy to go see if they are home for you.” She said trying to make her voice sound indifferent but it was just filled with anger and pain. ~~~ Rose thought she had prepared herself for this moment, for seeing Lissa again after everything, but nothing could prepare her for this. Lissa had every right to be furious, she had every right to hate her, but that didn’t make the tone in her voice or the expression in her face as Rose turned around to face her hurt any less. Rose could see and hear how much pain her best friend was in and she knew it was her fault. It was all her fault. Some part of her knew she hadn’t been in control of herself when she’d been Strigoi, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t take away her memories of the things she’d done. It didn’t change how even after she’d been restored, she couldn’t seem to stop hurting Lissa. Maybe a part of her had stayed away for the Moroi’s own good, but she knew a part of it was her being selfish, too. Because even now, looking at Lissa hurt so much. Rose flinched at the coldness of Lissa’s voice, stunned into silence despite knowing that she completely deserved this kind of reception. She’d done terrible things. She’d been a horrible friend. She’d needed time after being restored. She’d needed time to get over everything and she’d needed space from everyone, not just Lissa. She’d even pushed Regina away when she first reached out to her, but that woman was annoyingly persistent. She had to admit, she’d been right. Talking things out with someone who had done things just as horrible, had helped. So had that little time away from Lawrence. She was still dealing with a lot, but she was trying, at least, to actual deal with it instead of running away from everything. “I came to see you,” she answered after a moment, looking away from Lissa. A huge part of her still wanted to turn and run away, but she forced herself to stay put. Avoiding this wasn’t going to make anything better and along with everything else, she desperately missed her best friend. ~~~ The thing was, was that Lissa was devastated that Rose had murdered Christian, but she could have forgiven that knowing that Rose hadn’t been herself. She could forgive that it wasn’t something Rose when she was herself would ever even dream to do. Lissa knew that, she could handle that, accept that, and forgive it. What she couldn’t forgive was being abandoned, being ignored, being someone that Rose just didn’t even talk to. She felt furious at that. She could be sympathetic and tried to understand, but the fact was, was that Lissa and Adrian risked their lives to save her and that was it. Rose just disappeared and that was it. Lissa lost the two most important people to her in a span of a week. Lissa saw her flinch and her anger spiked, she’d been working hard to keep Spirit in check, but she’d used way too much of it between Dimitri and Rose and she still was struggling with it, darkness more easily taking over good nature, and her kindness. Her empathy wasn’t as quick to the surface as it usually was. She’d needed Rose when she’d said goodbye to Christian, when she’d grieved for the death of him, but she was off feeling guilty or off taking time or she just had decided to disappear because that was easier for her. Lissa didn’t know all of the whys, but she knew Rose, and she was frankly disappointed and beyond devastated from it. She shut her eyes trying not to let Allison pull the darkness from her as she knew Allison would and couldn’t even completely help it. The charms helped, but even that wasn’t always enough. Lissa crossed her arms. Rationally she knew she should invite Rose in, ask her how she was, see if she was okay, but the pain was too much, the anger was too much for me. “You’ve seen me, I’m clearly still alive. I can take care of myself.” Lissa said as the fury in her voice matched her eyes. “Do you need something from me, or are you just here to see if I’ll forgive you, I have finals coming up.” Lissa didn’t add that it was the being abandoned part that she meant, not the things that happened while she was… ~~~ This was a side of Lissa Rose hadn't seen very often and she hated it. Lissa wasn't this angry, mean person and she could hide the shock at seeing her act like this now. No, she hadn't expected everything to just be forgiven, but she hadn't expected it to be this bad. Right now, Lissa obviously didn't want anything to do with her. Rose honestly couldn't blame her, but that didn't lessen to sting of Lissa's words. "I just wanted to see you," she said lamely. She knew how stupid that sounded, but there weren't any words that could actually express what she wanted. She was starting to think coming over her had been a mistake. How stupid was she to think Lissa would even want to talk to her? The truth was, there was a lot she needed from Lissa, but she wouldn't ask it of her. She didn't have the right to ask her for anything. She actually didn't even have the right to be here at all, but she forced herself to look up and meet her eyes. "You have every right to hate me, Liss, she admitted sadly. "I just- nevermind, you're right. I'm sorry I bothered you." There was so much she wanted to talk to her about, to apologize for, but she knew that was for her. It was selfish to force Lissa to talk to her when that was obviously the last things she wanted, so she forced herself to start walking, intent on leaving Lissa alone if that was what she wanted. ~~~ “Now is a good time for you?” Lissa said shaking her eyes, the anger, the pain really just overwhelming her sense. “Now is good for you, so clearly if it is good for you it has to be good for me.” She snapped at her, their was so much spirit influence in what she was saying that it wasn’t completely all something that she could control. She’d been managing okay, but being confronted with it like this was was painful and just… Rolling her eyes, the expression on her face was pulled in directions of fear for how much pain Rose was in, pain for how much pain she was. “You know I needed you, I needed you after Adrian and I risked our lives to save us and you just vanished. You left me. Again. You left me to pick up the pieces, you left me to figure out how to manage without my best friend and the person I trust the most. You left me.” Lissa said digging in at something she’d actually forgiven Rose for so long ago it was petty and so unlike her to pull something like that, that it felt wrong even on her mouth but the darkness in her was swirling with the furious angry of a bad thunderstorm. Shaking her core, shaking everything. She was standing by the door with her arms crossed, a glare that was rarely seen on her setting in. “I lost the two people who mean the most to me within days, and now you think because you decided to finally see how I was that I would just have open arms?” ~~~ "No, I-" Rose was having a hard time putting her own thoughts into words, not that she really had much time to speak as Lissa ranted at her. She knew she was angry and in a way it was good. Rose was so tired of everyone trying to convince her what had happened wasn't her fault. Regina had been the only one not saying that and maybe that was a part of what made it easier to talk to her. But even with Regina, she'd pushed her away. She'd pushed everyone away at first. Even now, standing here with Lissa wasn't easy and it wasn't just because she was so angry. Rose couldn't look at Lissa without seeing what she'd done to Christian. "I know what I did," she said, shaking her head at Lissa's words. "You think I don't? I know everything I did, to you, to everyone else. No, I didn't think you'd have open arms, Liss. I don't expect you to forgive me at all. You shouldn't. What I did is unforgivable." Maybe some part of her had expected this to be different. Maybe she'd hoped Lissa would be happy to see her or that they could somehow fix things between them. That was stupid, she realized. She'd hurt Lissa too much. The last thing she deserved was her forgiveness. ~~~ It was impossible for her to control the eye roll that came as she listened to Rose tell her that she didn’t expect her to forgive her, that she knew everything that she’d done. To Lissa it wasn’t about just what she’d done when she was strigoi, Lissa could forgive those, she could forgive her best friend killing her boyfriend. She knew that Rose wasn’t herself in those moments and while she would never forget them and they would always hurt, she could forgive those, she could forgive that. The leaving her behind was the part she was struggling with more than anything else. “It’s not about what you did when you were strigoi, I know you need to work through all of that, and I even accept that.” Lissa said pointedly. “You left me.” She said very clearly. “We nearly killed ourselves saving you and you just left. You went to go feel sorry for yourself or whatever it is you did and left people who still needed you.” She said shaking her head. “If it’d been a day or two, or even just a week, I could have forgiven that.” Lissa said. “But this?” Her voice started to shake with the heartbreak she felt every single time she let the real emotional pain grow inside of her. The dark angry clouds in her slowly turning to pure pain. “Don’t worry about me anymore. I can take care of myself.” She added as she looked Rose up and down. “I don’t need you to do that anymore.” Lissa knew those words were harsher and meaner than she even meant for them to be, but she was struggling controlling herself still and she was trying so hard to be in control that when she let herself not be even for a little bit, she couldn’t help some of the things she said. “I’m sure your new best friend is wondering where you are.” It had hurt Lissa seeing that Rose went on vacation with Regina and hadn’t even really talked to her. “I have studying to do anyways. I’m not planning on letting anyone down in my groups.” Lissa said as she turned to open the bunker taking her eyes off of Rose. ~~~ It killed Rose to hear Lissa talking to her like this, but she knew she deserved it. She hadn’t just been talking about the time she’d been Strigoi. She knew she’d treated her friends badly in the aftermath. But how could she explain that every time she looked at Lissa, she saw what she’d done to Christian? How could she explain how hard it was being around people in general. Even Regina, she’d pushed away at first. She just hadn’t taken no for an answer. She’d all but forced her to talk about what she was going through and she’d never once told her she shouldn’t blame herself. That didn’t mean they were best friends or anything, but it helped that she hadn’t hurt Regina like she had others. She didn’t have to feel that soul crushing guilt every time she looked at her. “I know,” she said quietly. She didn’t know what else to say. “I’m sorry.” This was as bad as when she’d left Lissa behind to go after Dimitri in Russia, maybe even worse, because this time she knew it was all her fault. And she had a feeling there would be no forgiveness for her this time. Her eyes were stinging with tears, but she held them back. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I won’t bother you anymore.” She meant it, even though it broke her heart to say it, and she turned to go. ~~~ Lissa should have stopped her, she knew somewhere in her that she should have stopped Rose from turning to go, but she didn’t even look back, she was in too much pain and she was still so angry an anger she was struggling to control. It was hard to even know how to handle any of this or feel okay about anything. There were huge parts of her that kept telling her to let go of the darkness and turn around and give Rose a hug, but she couldn’t, she couldn’t get herself to do that. “Do whatever you want Rose, you always do.” She said at just above a whisper as she pulled the door open and stepped in. It was hard not to look behind her, but she managed it. As she pushed the door shut without looking back, when it clicked shut locking again she leaned against the cold door and slipped to the ground, wrapping her legs up close to her she started to cry. ~~~ |