InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Prince Hal, I miss you so :´("

kara lynn palamas / agent 33 (likeageek) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2015-04-19 20:36:00

Entry tags:

grant ward, kara lynn palamas

WHO: Kara Lynn Palamas & Grant Ward
WHAT: Sometimes it takes awhile to come in out of the cold.
WHEN: Not long after this
WHERE: Just outside of the graveyard
RATING: TBD

Losing yourself was frightening enough. To wake to the realization that everything you were, everything you had been, was just gone no matter how much you tried to bring it back was something that left you constantly struggling. There were pieces, pieces that Kara could see that existed just outside of her grasp, but no matter how much she tried to find a way to piece back the remnants of what remained together, all that ever accomplished was leaving her frustrated and hollow. So it had been easier. It had been simpler to just throw herself into the role that she was able to take on, of caregiver, to the man that she had pulled out of the fire back in San Juan, who had saved her in an emotional sense just as much as she had saved him in a physical one. It had been a long struggle back to the place that she even found herself in right now, which still wasn't that great, and this uprooting, thrown in on top of everything, left her grasping for how to cope.

But Grant was here. He was here, and that was more than she had expected when she'd found herself in the middle of a graveyard on the outskirts of an unfamiliar town. Her first thought had been HYDRA, that she'd been found, pulled back in somehow, that this was how they were going to break her this time, through isolation, and then the welcoming committee had shown up, and it had left her even more unbalanced than before. So much so that she had just started walking, unsure of exactly what to do or where to go, until she had seen that she wasn't as alone as she thought.

So she'd turned around, like she said she would, and had headed back towards the graveyard in an attempt to make herself easier to locate. Because she wanted to be found. In this moment, there wasn't anything that she wanted more. It was bad enough not being able to find yourself without not having anyone else there to help you do it.

(Post a new comment)

notanazi
2015-04-20 09:15 am UTC (link)

He'd missed her. In a strange enough way. The woman had been there for him when no one else had. And much as he'd watched her attempt to seduce him, to give him Skye, what she thought he wanted. And he'd watched himself pull away, after a few moments temptation. Tell her if they would ever be an item it would have to be him and Kara.

And here, she'd find him in a relationship with the woman she'd saved him from. It would be a fun one to explain but he hoped she'd understand, listen to him. Let him continue to help her. Because he wanted nothing more than to help her remember herself. She deserved to have back what Whitehall had taken from her, different kind of brainwashing obviously but he knew what it was to have complete loyalty to a madman.

He also knew she'd trust him to any extreme by now and he for a time had worried it made him no better than Garrett. But he believed he was helping her. And he'd never make her go against her instincts. He'd never put her through that. He was tarnished, broken, she didn't have to be.

The face was Melinda May's but the scars told a different story.

"Kara" he said simply letting her turn to face him as he turned toward the graveyard spotting the woman, she looked unnerved but he couldn't fault her that. He hadn't heard her name yet where she was from but this place changed things up rather impressively. "It's good to see you."

(Reply to this) (Thread)

likeageek
2015-04-20 10:42 pm UTC (link)

The sound of his voice saying her name, even if she was sure she hadn't told it to him yet (not that she cared at the moment), was more comforting than anything else that could have happened right now. In that moment, every fear that had swarmed her mind, every unbalancing impulse, dissipated, leaving her feeling far more centered than she had a moment ago. Kara smiled up at him, posture relaxing as she closed the gap between them, wrapping her arms around his shoulders in relief.

"I thought they'd gotten me again," Kara said, burying her head against his shoulder and trying to ignore the way she was shaking that she hadn't noticed before. "That they had dumped me somewhere to fend for myself, and I'm never-" Kara stopped, clearing her throat and reluctantly stepping back, a hesitant and slightly embarrassed look on her face (on May's face) as she reached out, fingers lightly tapping his chest just to reassure herself again that he was really here. "But it's okay. It's fine now."

Even if was as far away from fine as one could get without things being blatantly awful, but she wasn't about to say that. He was here. The rest they could figure out as they went like they'd been doing since they'd gotten out of the HYDRA complex in San Juan.

"So. You said there were things we needed to talk about?" Kara asked, sparing a glance up at him with a sheepish smile. "Do you think... we could get somewhere less unnerving to do it?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-04-21 12:05 am UTC (link)

She'd done it a dozen times before, hugged him, buried her head at his shoulder and hoping he could somehow fix the world for her. And he'd been willing to try because no one deserved what she'd gotten. He knew from watching it that he would help her fix her face, and he knew she felt a gratitude that unnerved him. She needed him to keep herself together, to keep herself calm.

He needed to cut her off at the pass. Tell her about Skye. But would she even understand right now, last she'd known of Skye was as the woman that shot him. But she had known his feelings for her too.

"Didn't I tell you they wouldn't get to you again?" he told her, the confidance coming to the forefront as it usually did around her. She needed that, she needed some level of security in her life. "This place, its not like home but there are some people you'll recognise, Avengers, Asgardians's, more than that, and people I guess you'd know as fiction. But you're right. Not here. We should get you to Sanctuary, there are rooms there, apartments."

He knew she'd rather stay with him but he didn't know how to explain that to Skye. A Skye who had seen Kara kiss him. "We'll go there, okay? And I'll answer whatever you need me to."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

likeageek
2015-04-21 03:05 am UTC (link)

Kara smiled, a soft laugh echoing from her as she nodded in agreement, "Always the man with a plan," She said, a hint of teasing in her tone as she bumped her shoulder into his. It was surprising to Kara sometimes, just how easy it was with him, how she didn't really have to think to hard about how to behave or operate when there weren't a decision to be made or a situation that had to be dealt with. In those moments where it was just them, it was possible for her to feel like she was actually a person again instead of just some monster's broken toy. "Lead the way," She said, quirking an eyebrow at him. "And maybe explain that fiction comment because you don't look like you've gone loopy."

Of course, that was probably hard to determine when she felt like she had. Nobody just randomly ended up someplace this drastically different from where they'd been allegedly under the influence of some mythological Christian artifact without feeling a little insane.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-04-21 09:29 pm UTC (link)

Its how he'd made himself appear to her anyway. Confident always with a plan. Because she needed to see him like that. Needed to gain that confidance back for herself. It was good to have a mentor, he knew that. And it could stay good so long as that mentor didn't use you for their own gain. And for once, he didn't want anything from her. He never had. She'd saved his life, but before that, he'd seen in her something similar to how he'd felt after Garrett had died. Lost. Unsure. With no orders, without John Garrett, who was he?

"Less of a plan more of an explaination. But its a start. And no more loopy than some of the crap from home. Just takes some getting used to is all. Trust me. I won't let anyone hurt you here. Okay?"

He meant it too, he'd keep her safe because for once he had no motive beyond a genuine wish for her to come back from the brink.

"We'll get you set up at Sanctuary and then we'll talk properly? Sound good?" he asked.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

likeageek
2015-04-21 10:35 pm UTC (link)

Of all the things about herself that Kara wasn't sure of, Ward was one of the few things she was. She'd watched him since they had pulled each other out of San Juan, and while there were still a number of things about him that she hadn't been able to peg yet, when he was holding something back wasn't one of those. This wasn't the first time he'd danced around an issue, couching concern some place else and trying to shift her attention. He did it a lot whenever she expressed concern for him, for his well-being, in ways other than the physical injuries he'd sustained. She was the concern. She was the issue, as if he didn't matter in the long run, but this was... different than that. Not nearly a personal but still something that he was avoiding broaching seemingly until they were in a better setting.

"Or you could tell me what's got you all edgy right now," Kara said, concerned and apprehensive at the same time. If he was trying to get her someplace safe before telling her, it was bound to be unnerving. But he'd said that she was safe here, that HYDRA wouldn't be able to get her, so the likelihood of Whitehall or Bakshi being present seemed slim. So, what else was there? What else could possibly have him so.... "It's your team, isn't it?" Not necessarily a threat to her, at least one that he could relatively control, but still something that would have set him anxious, leave him reaching for the right time and place to explain.

Reaching out and settling a hand on his arm, Kara's expression shifted, brow knitting together in worry as she peered up at him, "Is she-" Kara trailed off, knowing that she didn't need to finish that sentence, not really wanting to. "If you need me to take care of her, I can."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-04-21 11:13 pm UTC (link)

She knew how to read him. She'd been learning from what he remembered and from then on it was clearly something she'd gotten better at. What he'd seen on the show...well he figured she'd started to feel things for him than he really had to nip in the bud. Especially since it seemed she was willing to kill for him. Is that what he was teaching her to be? Is that what she'd taken from all of it? Hurt the team for him. Kill for him. Kill Skye?

The threat to Skye, even from someone he knew he could talk down from it did make him tense, almost involuntarily he jerked his arm away.

"No. Okay. No. You don't hurt her. Promise me that."

He hadn't meant to be so abrupt. And he even knew it would probably get to her. It wasn't how he'd saw this going down.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be like that. Not with you. But things are different here, like I said. And me and Skye...I guess things changed. Slowly but they have. Its gotten better and her and me, we're together. But I promise, that doesn't for a second mean I'm walking away from helping you. You saved my life, and over the time, you became a friend. And I made you a promise and I'm not about to break it. Okay? We focus on that, we focus on you."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

likeageek
2015-04-21 11:52 pm UTC (link)

She'd done something wrong, said something wrong. Grant pulled away from her like he'd been burned caused her heart and her stomach to lurch, the frantic way that the statement came out after that leaving her unbalanced. Don't hurt her? After what she'd done, after the situation that she'd put him in? She'd shot him and left him to die. Kara was sure the only reason he hadn't already been dead by the time she found him was because of the impact of the bullets had been buffered. But he seemed intent, even more on edge, so even if she didn't understand it, she nodded.

Agreeing out loud seemed too much like actually acknowledging she didn't deserve it on some level.

"I see," Kara said, not really entirely understanding what he was saying but figuring there was no point in arguing. They were together. Things had changed. Perhaps that was good for now, but just how quickly could they change back if left unchecked or unmonitored. After all, she hadn't seemed like she had much respect or concern for him at all when they were back in San Juan, just as much as his affection for her had been undeniable. "Do you really think that's a good idea? After... I don't want to see you hurt again, Grant. In any way," She said, reaching out again, tentatively, to take his hand.

Sometimes Kara worried that he was so focused on focusing on her that he forgot himself in all of this.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-04-22 03:10 am UTC (link)

He'd confused her. It was obvious. And he hadn't wanted to do that. She needed him to be the strong one for now and here he was telling her that he was back with the woman that had shot him four times. It seemed insane but she hadn't lived what they had here, she hadn't learned what he had or lived what he had alongside Skye here.

There had been arguments, there had been anger but so much had changed over the last year that it was impossible to explain any of it properly.

"Its different. She's different, and so am I. Thing about this place, it opens up old wounds sometimes and it brought him here. Garrett I mean. That changed things. I'm not...its not something I'm ready to discuss. But Skye was there for me, Skye believed in me when few others did and that sealed things. I really do love her and I guess, I mean I hope she loves me too."

This time he let her take his hand. He thought maybe she needed it. "I'm not going to be hurt. And I appreciate that you care. But you don't ever need to treat me like...I'm not giving you orders. I'm not someone you have to make happy and you should never think you have to kill for me. Okay? I'm not here to control you. I'm not here to order you. I want to help you find your way back. Find Kara again. You deserve that."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

likeageek
2015-04-22 04:39 am UTC (link)

Garrett. It was a name he'd mention in passing, never to any in-depth length, just enough for her to realize that he'd found himself in the same position she had before, backed into a corner, stripped of all identity, and rebuilt to fit someone else's purpose, and to have all of that shoved back in his face here... She wouldn't know what she would do if she had to face Whitehall again, if she would be strong enough to resist the urge to comply, to fall back into those habits that she had worked so hard to break out of, that she abhorred the thought of now. So she supposed she could see it, ending up in a position where he needed that support, that he wouldn't hesitate to rely on someone willing to give it.

Even if it hurt to think about, that whatever she thought, whatever she had hoped... But it had been stupid in the first place, stupid to even really consider. She was a scarred, mangled freak with no voice and no identity. And this Skye had been highly sought after by all parties. How could she have ever competed?

"I think we both have different ideas of what we each deserve, Grant," Kara said, squeezing his hand lightly with a soft smile. "But I am glad," she paused, taking a breath. "I'm glad that you found part of what you were looking for. Even if I'm... wary. And I'll probably be wary for awhile. I've got no reason to trust her. And it's hard to look at someone objectively when they've tried to break your arm."

Granted, some of her reasons were far more petty than that, but he didn't need to know those. Not when Kara knew exactly how they would make her look.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-04-22 04:53 am UTC (link)

She hadn't really answered him. Oh she'd made it very clear she didn't trust Skye, and from her perspective, and with what he knew of how their relationship had progressed once she'd found herself. It made sense that she'd be wary. But she was from a point where she had barely figured herself out yet. He figured showing her the tv show right away would be a terrible move, in time, yes. But her face, her identity. He could give her that again.

"I think wary is fine. You're worried and I do appreciate it. I just need you to tell me you understand, that making me happy, its not what's important here. This place really could be a new start for you, one where you can figure out who you want to be now. Just don't define yourself by me. Okay?"

He remembered looking up to John. Feeling like obviously he'd failed when his mentor wasn't happy. Like he was the weak one. Like he'd screwed up. And then with Skye, begging her for a chance to just explain, to show her he wouldn't lie to her, that he kept his promises. Kara had given him a clarity he'd never have gained back home otherwise. Or he'd be dead, that was pretty much a given. For the famed specialist he was, four bullets would have done it. Especially from Skye.

"You saved my life. More than that, you gave me focus again. And I know you think I'm making a mistake with her, but I trust her, we trust each other. And if you trust me, then you'll understand."

He didn't want to lead her on, didn't want her to think that anything could happen, but at the same time, she was a friend, and she needed him. "Hey" he said softly, trying for calming, "I'm glad you're here Kara. I hope you know that." he told her leaning in for another hug. She looked like she needed it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

likeageek
2015-04-22 05:24 am UTC (link)

Just don't define yourself by me. The words rung in her head as she leaned into the embrace, trying to collect her thoughts. That wasn't what she had been doing, was it? She was so sure that she'd been getting things together, trying to hold onto the little she had, and even as he'd been the focal point that she'd held onto, she was sure that she had allowed him to subsume her world. "You're not Whitehall," Kara whispered, fingers gripping at the fabric of his shirt before turning her gaze up to him. "I'm not being obedient. I'm not following orders or doing what I think is necessary to please you. Grant. You're my friend, and I want you happy just as much as I want that for myself. Okay?" She echoed back to him, smiling lightly as she reluctantly stepped out of the hug.

She hadn't really wanted to, but if she'd let it go for much longer... She didn't want him to getting the impression that she didn't understand.

"And I think you're setting yourself up to get hurt again," Kara said softly. "Not necessarily a mistake, but..." She paused, eyes going to the ground for a moment before she looked back up at him. "If I hadn't come along when I did, you would have just sat there and let yourself bleed out, Grant, and the last thing I want is to see you end up that low again... And she has the power to do that to you on a whim."

Whether she would or not was inconsequential. It was that fact that she could that frightened Kara more than anything else.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-04-22 03:30 pm UTC (link)

She needed him. He got that. And she was worried, that much was more than obvious. "I'm not Whitehall, not Garrett, not anyone who would ever put someone through what you have. I'm your friend and I will help you make this place a chance, a better chance. It won't always be easy but I'm not going anywhere."

When she talked about Skye, he couldn't help but nod just for a moment. He knew. Like he'd watched himself tell her, he wasn't insane. He knew Skye had a power over him he couldn't put into words except to say that he loved her. And he knew how it must look from the outside. Coulson had figured at first it was what had gotten him to pretend again, Simmons assumed he was using Skye. It looked from all sides like a hot mess wating to implode but it wouldn't. It couldn't, because he and Skye, they'd made it all better.

But she was right about one thing. He probably would have died there.

"You think I'm put together, always have a plan, and maybe I am, maybe now I do but back then? I was a mess. I was a hollowed out shell with nothing and no one. I got low more than once, wanted it over. And there was no one there to help me, no one I could explain the past to. So when I saw you, when you made the decision to help me? I wanted to help you too. Thought maybe if I could save you, help you find yourself, it might balance out some of...who I was. Maybe even for the better."

And yes, Skye had the power to put him back there, leave him wanting to die more than live. But she wouldn't use that. She knew she held it, she understood.

"Believe me okay. I'm happy. And so will you be."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

likeageek
2015-04-23 01:05 am UTC (link)

"You're better than you give yourself credit for, Grant," Kara said, wishing that she knew how to put what she felt into words. It was all a jumble in her mind, a mess that left her not entirely sure where they stood. Even if friends was a qualifier, it was a murky one. There was a part of her that wished he could see what she did, that he could see the selflessness he'd demonstrated and the sacrifices that he'd made to get her where she was, everything that he'd done to build her back up. She wished he could see that the concern that he'd expressed for her in the first place, while she'd still been under Whitehall's thumb, had been the only reason she'd gotten as far as she had. That if he'd said nothing like all the others had, they both probably would have died in the earthquake because she would have been floundering, crouched over Whitehall's dead body with no idea what to do.

She'd only gone to find him, after all, because she'd thought he might have some idea. Because he'd been the only one who'd cared.

"You have a good heart, and that matters far more than anything else," She said, knowing that wouldn't be the prevailing opinion of anyone that might come across from back home. Their histories were a black mark against the both of them, entirely willing or not, and she didn't expect a positive reaction on her behalf from anyone. Much less anyone on his team. "But I'm not so sure about that, being happy," She said, raising a hand to touch at the scarring on her face with a frown. "Everything I want is out of reach now."

She really didn't mean that everything to be so loaded.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-04-27 10:34 am UTC (link)

He didn't know that he was. Better men didn't do the things he did. He knew he wasn't a good one. He'd told Skye as much and he'd meant it. He'd done things, awful things that he'd taken responsibility for because as much as Garrett had done, Ward had followed through often enough knowing it would cost him. But there had been no other option. Not back then.

"I don't know. Its not a good heart. I don't know what I am anymore if I'm honest but I believe in you. And that should be something, that should be a start. You knew I'd help you. Or you hoped I would. And you, you saved my life."

The comment about her wants being out of reach. Well he'd seen her wants. He'd seen what she'd done to please him and he didn't quite know how to work through that here.

"Look I...back home. I know its different. But here...you can be happy without that, without...us. Okay?" He was hesitating, trying to work out how to put any of the mess into words. She deserved better. She deserved someone that would love her for her. He loved Skye. Had for a long time and he knew now that that wasn't changing any time soon.

"Its not out of reach. Because I'm not sure you know what it is you want yet. What I want for you is to see you with friends, people you trust besides me, people you care about. A life. And here, you can have all that and you won't lose me. I promise. Okay? You're stuck with me Palamas."

(Reply to this) (Parent)