InsaneJournal

Rose had thought she understood what Dimitri had been going through after his restoration, but it wasn’t until the last few days that she realized she really didn’t have a clue. They’d talked about it. She’d seen him struggle with his guilt after being restored, but it wasn’t until now that she could truly understand it. Back then, it had seemed so simple to her. All their lives, they’d been taught that Strigoi weren’t the people they used to be. That made forgiving Dimitri and Sonya for what they’d done as Strigoi so easy. Even now, Rose didn’t hold any of it against him. Maybe that was hypocritical of her, but she was able to separate Dimitri the Strigoi and Dimitri the Dhampir clearly in her head in a way she couldn’t do with herself.

Maybe it was just different because she could remember doing those things. Maybe it was different because nothing Dimitri had done was as cruel as what she had done to Christian, to Lissa. Dimitri had fed from her, he’d kept her prisoner, he’d wanted to possess her. Rose, though? She had murdered one of her closest friends and she’d done it to hurt Lissa. Sure, Moroi blood tasted a lot better than human, but that wasn’t why she’d attacked him. That wasn’t why she’d left him there for Lissa or Dimitri to find. She’d done it to hurt them. Thinking about it now made her sick. She could barely stand to look at Lissa in the face of what she’d done and that made it easier to understand, too, why DImitri had pushed her away all those months ago. She’d only been Strigoi for a week, but it had been enough to leave her with a nearly overpowering feeling of guilt for the things she’d done, on top of the guilt she already covered over everyone who had been hurt or killed while she refused to kill Dimitri. She had so much death on her head.

Rose wrapped her arms tightly around herself as she stood in the doorway to a church, hesitating only a moment before crossing the threshold to find an empty seat in the back. Dimitri had once told her he sometimes found peace in the school chapel. She knew he often attended services at Court for that same reason. Sometimes, she even went with him, even if she’d never been much of a believer. She’d cheated death enough times now. Maybe there really was something of all this God crap. Anyway, she thought it was worth a try, if only to convince herself that there was no Strigoi left in her. Sometimes it felt like there always would be. Some part of her would always be marked by that week she'd spent devoid of any love or remorse. Maybe she didn't deserve to find any peace after what she'd done, but she longed for it desperately, if only for a moment.

It was different from the services she'd attended at home. There, the priest had gone on about Moroi Saints. Here, it was all about Jesus. Rose realized with a start that it was Easter Sunday. It was like it had crept up on her. The service was also really freaking long. It seemed like an eternity passed before it was over.

She slipped out as quickly and quietly as she'd entered, not bothering to look around for any familiar faces. There was no one she wanted to see. Rose had always been a social person. She had always thrived on company. Now, though, she found she didn't want to be around people. She didn't want to have to fake her way through with smiles and the old Rose Hathaway attitude. And she sure as hell didn't deserved to be comforted by Lissa or by anyone else she'd hurt. Rose wasn't suicidal, exactly, but a part of her really did wish they'd just killed her. How many people would be alive now if they had?

Pulling her light jacket around her to counteract some of the chill in the air, Rose started walking. It was a few miles to her destination - the cabin that sat just outside the graveyard, but she didn't mind. Maybe the walk would do her some good.