Lissa Dragomir (littlequeen) wrote in wariscoming, @ 2015-01-26 13:36:00 |
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Entry tags: | christian ozera, lissa dragomir |
WHO Lissa & Christian
WHAT Argument, bonding, dealing with things here.
WHERE Lissa's room.
WHEN Backdated to a week after Christian arrived
RATING/STATUS Low | Complete
There were a few things that Lissa had gotten used to with the concept of what she would and would not have in her life in Lawrence, she'd accepted the fact that it was unlikely that Christian would show up. She decided after a while of waiting and hoping that she'd need to move on, move forward, grow and change with this new place. She'd made a number of new friends and found that she really enjoyed her new life here. It was hard but she made it work too.
"I don't know, I can't tell him that." Lissa said softly into the phone as she was talking to one of her new friends here. Capt. Becker, someone she’d never expected to become good friends with, but he was a really good friend to her, heck he was even protective and trained in combat which were both pluses. "I decided I couldn't life in the past, and I love him, but I feel horrible canceling the date I had with…" Her voice drifted off as her friend on the other side started to give her advice. "I don't know Becker, I don’t know what to do." Lissa added feeling horribly guilty and awkward. She hated that she even thought moving on was the right thing, when actually it had been, she didn't know the seal would bring Christian, she had assumed that it wouldn't have at this point and she needed to live her life, a new life, different rules.
Lissa sighed as she said goodbye and hung up the phone as she sat down on her bed looking very confused, hurt, and guilty. That's when she heard footsteps come into the room and her eyes widened as she saw Christian standing there.
***
Christian hadn’t gone looking for Lissa with the intention of listening in on her phone call. He’d had a question for her but he’d hesitated when he’d heard her talking, not wanting to interrupt and after a few minutes he found himself wishing he had. Or that he’d gone to find Rose or...anyone else really to ask them. But he couldn’t bring himself to walk away, he’d stood there listening as Lissa talked about having to cancel a date she’d made with someone else, and how bad she felt about having to cancel. And he couldn’t forget hearing the words I love him but as his insecurities about their relationship all came back to the front of his mind.
The only reason he went into her room when he heard her say goodbye was that he knew if he didn’t and someone mentioned that he’d been looking for her earlier it would just bring up a lot of questions. Like why he hadn’t gone in and then he’d have to tell her about overhearing her phone call. No it was better for him to just go ahead and face it head on now. That guilty expression on her face made his heart feel like it had dropped straight down into his stomach as he stuck his hands in his pockets and hoped that it didn’t show on his face how bad he was hurting inside.
“I’m sorry you had to cancel your date because of me.” He looked away from her when he heard the anger and hurt in his voice. There went any hope of keeping it from her.
***
Of course he'd heard the conversation, they had they really good hearing, it was impossible to think he hadn't heard every single word of it and how horrible she felt… It was like a huge weight had been smashed onto her shoulders. "Christian." She said feeling like her whole world was falling apart. She loved him, and she did feel guilty about everything.
"Don't." Lissa said crossing her arms feeling protective of herself. "You weren't here, I was alone and I'm sorry if you're upset that I thought I would need to find a way to live my life without you. How was I supposed to know that you'd show up ever?" Lissa said looking down. "People are here for years without anyone from their home world, or never seeing some of the people they love ever again, would you rather I stopped living?"
She was arguing mostly for herself as well as for him. She felt like crap for it. At that moment she was really glad that the bond wasn't in tact here, this was something she didn't want anyone else to have to feel, the pain, the guilt, the frustration, the… horror that she realized that this might be worse than anything.
***
Christian hated himself when he saw her wrap her arms around herself, for making her feel like she needed to do that. “Lissa...of course I wouldn’t want that. But can you really blame me for being upset hearing it? Imagine you were in my position and heard that? Can you really say you wouldn’t be upset?” he asked her. “I get it but...it still hurts to hear okay?”
***
“It would hurt, but I wouldn’t treat you like you were actively looking to cheat on me!” Lissa said, and that had been her first impression of how he’d reacted to it. Lissa knew that they had some jealousy issues, on both side, but what was she supposed to do? Stop living? She’d had new friends that encouraged her to live her life here and not live in the past, or live constantly thinking that she’d never be happy.
“I know it hurts to hear it, but that’s part of what happens here, It’s not like I went off and fell in love, I said yes to one date when you weren’t even here, and I didn’t think you ever would be!”
~~~~
“I never said you were! I never once said you were! But I am allowed to be hurt Lissa and I am allowed to show it. Even though I tried not to,” Christian told her, his voice growing quieter the more he talked. He hated hurting her, hated fighting with her, but he wasn’t going to just stand by and let her accuse him of things. Yes he was jealous, they both knew it, but he’d never accused her of that. In fact if anything - he was starting to feel bad for interrupting her new life, getting in the way of the happiness she’d been finding here. His arrival had seemed to throw everything into disarray for her and that was something else he’d never wanted to do.
“If you know it hurts to hear it then why are you mad at me for being hurt?”
***
Lissa glared at him. “I’m upset that you think I’d just ditch you, which is sort of how it came off. Like I purposely would try and date other people. I would never do that if you were here, ever.” Lissa said looking away as the glare left her eyes.
Lissa’s emotions had been more all over the place lately given how much she’d been through with healing Allison and the side effects of that. Sometimes rational didn’t happen.
~~~
There was a part of him that wanted to turn and leave the room when she started glaring at him but a larger part of him felt that if he did - it would just make things worse. “Because I said I was sorry you’d had to cancel your date? I’ve never actively tried to get in the way of you being happy or living your life Lissa and me showing up seems to have done that. I never wanted to do that to you Lissa and I was apologizing for doing that. That’s all. That’s all.”
He was trying not to get mad, he was, but it was hard and he was glad that his hands were still in his pockets. If they weren’t he had a bad feeling they’d have been balled into fists - which probably wouldn’t help this situation at all.
***
That actually made Lissa laugh, not in the funny ha ha kind of laugh, but the are you serious kind of laugh. “That wasn’t said like that and you know it.” She said knowing full well that he’d said it more with anger and a how could she, it wasn’t totally innocent or actually sorry, more like he was sorry he overheard the conversation and sorry that he was interrupting her life, which he wasn’t really, it was just felt bad for the person she was going to cancel on, not for having said yes in the first place! Christian hadn’t even been here when she’d said yes.
~~~
Christian had to close his eyes and count to ten before he could say anything in response to her. “Well excuse me for being upset,” he said, forcing his voice to stay calm as he opened his eyes and looked at her. His voice might have been calm but the look in his eyes was anything but - he was hurt and angry, at himself, for having hurt her.
***
Crossing her arms Lissa's face set in a strong expression, her jaw was clinched. "Christian, what do you want from me? Not to feel bad that I'm canceling on someone? Because you know me, of course I feel bad canceling when I know it will hurt them. No matter what I do I'm hurting someone." She said tossing her hands up in the air. Lissa hated hurting people and she had noticed that lately she had been falling a little bit more into the darkness but she really couldn't figure out why. She was quicker to anger.
~~~~
Not to make him feel like shit for being upset came immediately to mind but he shoved that thought down, his hands clenching inside his pockets as he waited for his temper to cool down so that he could answer her. “I’d never ask you to not feel bad for hurting someone Lissa. Because it’d be impossible. And I’d never ask you to do something that would hurt someone. So I don’t know. I’m kind of at a loss here,” he said, closing his eyes.
***
She hated this, she hated fighting with him and she wasn’t even sure what they were fighting about. Maybe she felt guilty was the real thing and she wasn’t being completely fair. Lissa had been more moody lately. Sighing she crossed her arms looking down not saying anything. It was weird but she just couldn’t figure out what to say and so much of it had to do with being unsure.
~~~ ~
Christian knew the main problem was that he was tired, and yeah a little confused, and that all the insecurities he felt about his relationship with Lissa had come back up. Not that she had caused any of those insecurities - they were all because of him and the fact that he didn’t believe that he was good enough for her. He opened his eyes and felt guilty when he saw the way she was sitting, he felt like it was his fault that she was feeling this way.
He sighed and took his hands out of his pockets, heading over towards the bed but stopping a little bit away. “I’m sorry Lissa,” he said, his voice truly apologetic.
***
“Me too.” Lissa said as she moved to where he’d gotten closer and wrapped her arms around him. She hid her face in his neck as she shut her eyes hoping he’d hug her back, she would have been devastated if he hadn’t, but she just didn’t know what else to do right now.
~~~
Christian just wrapped his arms around her waist when Lissa hugged him, stroking her back softly as he held her and tried to shove his insecurities down and just enjoy getting to be here with her. He didn’t know what to do either but he had to believe that they’d work it out, that they’d figure it out because the alternative - he couldn’t let himself think about that.