InsaneJournal

He didn’t think. Didn’t consider. Just acted. After hearing Caroline and someone that looked like Elena had been attacked he knew this wasn’t stopping. After what had happened. He had gone and he’d asked John directly. Which in hindsight he should have realised was a bad plan. He’d had his answers, and a couple of cracked ribs besides. He’d taken beatings before of course. It was how you learned. Kicked, punched, bruised, hurt and every one a lesson. He needed to be strong, needed to be better. Needed to remember who made him who he he was. Ward did remember of course, but there was someone else now who had given him the idea that maybe those things John called weaknesses, weren’t.

Once he’d managed to make his way home, he’d bandaged his ribs up and gotten out of his apartment entirely knowing full well that the first place Skye looked for him would be there. And she couldn’t find him. He couldn't allow it. He needed to avoid her, he needed to keep as far from her as possible because he knew what would happen. He knew the outcome of this. He had a good idea even of what Skye would say. She’d tell him Garrett had gone too far, done too much. That those were his friends.And despite what Skye had once called him, Ward was no sociopath, he had friends, people he cared about, and a woman he loved. And for those friends and for her he’d tried his best to stop his mentor and it had done no good. He couldn’t help them, he knew that pretty early on. But he could help her. He could walk away from her as much as it killed him to do so and he could deal with this on his own. Garrett wouldn’t hurt her.

Besides which, if he did even try to hurt her, Ward would stop him. Whatever it took. Because whatever the bauble had shown him, when he didn’t getting there in time had changed things. Had set something off. He didn’t mind paying the price, he deserved the hurt. But not his friends. And not Skye. Never her.

Before ditching his phone, he’d seen that Skye had worked it out. Of course she had. She was smart and of course had talked to all of his friends pretty recently planning that party. She was worried. Barton was worried but not surprised. Even Simmons was checking up on him. But it was the message from Damon, it was comments from those vampires. They wanted to make John suffer. They wanted to go for the hurt. Ward couldn’t deny it, he’d done it when ordered to. Gone for the hurt before the kill. But murder to him had always been a job, had always been orders or necessary. This was vengence.

He’d needed to think, so he’d taken a car and driven. He knew the streets of Lawrence pretty well by now but he wanted something different. Something that took him more into Douglas County, to woodland. Baldwin woods they called it, he didn’t care of course. He just needed to disappear. And Grant Ward knew better than most how to do that. He’d been taught well. Even if the lessons hadn’t stuck.

Weak, pathetic, she’ll never love you like you love her, you’re a traitor, there’s a weakness in you kid, always has been

He wasn’t lost. Oh no, he understood woodland. But he was cold. Again he’d had worse, but it had been so long. He needed to think about shelter. But right now this was enough. Being back where he had learned, being back where he’d first cultivated everything that had made him worthwhile. Shrugged off the weaknesses. If he was going to let Skye go to keep her safe, he had to remember how.

Skye had taken a little longer than Ward to put the pieces together, not that she actually knew he had. Two attacks hadn’t been enough to be confident of the pattern, but when Caroline and Rose were shot, she knew. Everything fell into place. He’s going after Ward’s friends. With that realization, of course she had known exactly who was behind this and her first impulse, as it usually was lately, was to go to Ward. Did he know? Had he figured it out? Some part of her even wondered if he was a part of it, but Skye dismissed it. She wanted to believe he wasn’t that guy anymore, despite what he’d done to FitzSimmons, despite everything she knew him to be capable of. She knew he cared about these people, she knew a choice between them and Garrett wouldn’t be easy. And Davina- she hoped that was a line he wouldn’t cross, to hurt someone who was just a kid.

When she got to his apartment, she found it empty. Several texts later, she started to really get worried. Ward was missing. No sign of a struggle at his place, but he could still be in trouble. He could still be hurt. Or he could be hiding because he’s responsible. Skye ignored that nagging voice for now. It didn’t matter why he was gone. She needed to find him.

Simmons was the only one she told as she worked on tracking him. It took her nearly a full day before she got lucky. A man matching his description had bought some camping supplies and looking at the location and the few other spots she’d seen him on the cameras, she realized where he’d gone. “Duh,” she told herself. It was the best place to hide out around here and she found herself hoping Jemma was right, that he was hiding because he was stupid enough to think it would protect her and not because he had anything to do with these attacks.

Grabbing a few supplies (her laptop, weapons just in case), Skye headed out. Navigating the woods was a little trickier, but eventually she found him. The icer was within reach, but she didn’t grab for it, yet. She’d be ready if she needed to use it, but she hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

“If you’re trying to hide from me, you’re doing a piss poor job,” she said, trying not to show just how worried she’d actually been or how relieved she was that he seemed to be okay.

Ward hadn’t counted on her finding him this quickly. He was clearly off his game. But of course Skye knew his history, more of it than he’d ever wanted known. And here it was known by the whole world. But her being here, it was dangerous. It complicated things way too much. He needed her to leave. He needed her gone because she was the one person he was terrified was next.

“My being here doesn’t give you a hint that maybe I don’t want to be found.”

She was here anyway which meant either they’d done something and stopped him, which meant she’d told everyone the connection. Or he’d hurt someone else, or worse. Or worst of all, maybe she was here for him, maybe she thought he’d had a part in all of this. He’d ditched his phone after all, ran away. Looked guilty. He hoped at least that she didn’t think that of him.

Why are you here Skye?” he asked, he could barely look at her. This, all this, was because of him. And now she was here. “You are the very last person that should be here, so just go, okay. I’ll be gone from Lawrence soon anyway.”

“Then you should have hidden better. It didn’t even take me a whole day to track you down.” She was glad for that, glad she’d found him. Skye knew that the longer it took, the lower her chances were, because when Ward really, really didn’t want to be found. Well, it would have reached a point where even her skills wouldn’t be enough.

“I was worried about you.” She answered his question honestly, moving a step closer and wishing he would look at her. She could tell he didn’t want to and she wondered what that meant. Was she wrong to put even a little faith in him? Because he was looking more and more like a man who was guilty, but she still didn’t want to believe he would do this, hurt the people who cared so much about him. Again. Not here.

If he thought he was getting rid of her, well, that wasn’t going to happen. Not until she figured out what was going on and probably not even then. If he was guilty, she was going to bring him in and if he wasn’t- well, she wasn’t just going to walk away and leave him to his hiding in either case. “Cool, where are we going, then?” she asked him, “because you are out of your freaking mind if you think I’m not coming with you.”

“Shadowing again.” he said with a smile that was more accidental than anything else. He needed her to go, he didn’t need her here, worrying about him. Caring about him. He couldn’t put her in that kind of danger because even here they could be being watched. “You don’t need to worry about me. You know I can handle myself. Its just better I’m not here and we both know why. I don’t get to have friends. I don’t get to live that life. I need to just accept that and move on. It’ll keep you all safe.”

He turned away, hoping she’d leave but of course she was far too stubborn for that. After a brief silence he turned back a strange focus in his eyes. “Or you’re worried I knew, or I did it. Do you think maybe I was involved. Hurting them , they’re weaknesses after all, aren’t they? And you most of all. Did you think I’d hurt you too, after everything we’ve been through, everything I’ve ever said to you.”

It was a mess, a confusing mess that would only get worse if he listened to her. He didn’t want to know what was happening, Had he gone after Damon, Rogers, he hadn’t hurt Skye yet but he would. If Ward didn’t go, he would.

“If he wanted them dead, they’d be dead. I figure you know that. Caroline, Davina, all of them. They’d be dead Skye, and you...I can’t...if I go, it’ll stop. Do you understand that? And bringi you with me it defeats the purpose. You’re what changed me, you’re what took away my loyalty from him. I’m doing this for you”

Skye didn’t let the relief show in her face as he indirectly confirmed what she had hoped - that he hadn’t known or that he at least hadn’t been a part of what had happened. He was a good liar, he’d fooled her and everyone else before, but she somehow believed him now. She believed that he hadn’t had any part in what had happened to his friends.

“You know I don’t believe that,” she said, shaking her head. She didn’t think he fully did, either. If she’d gotten through to him on anything, it was that it was okay to care about people. Having people who cared about you was a strength, not a weakness. It meant not having to do things alone, even if she hadn’t exactly told anyone where she was going when she figured out where he was.

She knew it was likely Garrett would come after her. Some part of her was scared. But she wasn’t going to let her fear paralyze her and she definitely wasn’t going to let him just run away. “I guess you might as well stick around, then, because I’m not letting you leave me behind.” The others were working it out, and most of them were out for blood. She didn’t tell him that, she didn’t want to tell him his mentor was as good as dead. She wouldn’t be sorry when he was, not for herself, but she knew that even now it would affect Ward and she definitely wouldn’t be leaving to deal with that on his own.

Then there was also the part of her that just didn’t want to not have him around, much as she hated to admit it to herself or anyone else.

She wasn’t leaving. She wasn’t letting him run and this would get so much worse because of it. “Skye please. Please believe me when I say its you that he sees as the danger. Without you I’d never have all of this. Without you I wouldn’t have enough in me to fight for it.” The biggest complication of the whole thing, he loved her. He absolutely did. And Garrett knew it. Ward moved closer to her and couldn’t hide the slight limp as he walked, or the pain in his side. Or the already fading bruise on his cheek. There was no point, not if she was being this damned stubborn. But maybe there was another way.

“We could go. You and me. Pretend the rest of the world doesn’t even exist. I wanted that, with you, even back then. I really did. But it was all too complicated. All too much of a mess but now, can’t we just go Skye? I could hide us. I mean we might have to move around but it’d be us.”

It was a big ask, given they’d only really kissed. Given that not a year ago he’d said similar words to her and then kidnapped her. Given so many reasons it would be a terrible plan. His hands cupped her face and he knew running was another weakness but what could he do, he didn’t know if he could protect her and he wouldn’t, he couldn’t lose her.

Nope, she wasn’t leaving. It was good that he was finally catching on to that. Skye could be really damn stubborn when she made up her mind about something and this was one of those things.

“And please believe me when I said I don’t care. I’m not going anywhere.” Something in what he said bothered her. It took her a second, but then she realized what that was. “You’re not fighting for anything, Ward. You’re running....” She trailed off as he started towards him and she realized he was hurt. A frown pulled at her lips as she studied him, seeing the fading bruise on his cheek, the limp in his step.

“You’re hurt.”

She knew he’d had worse, she’d given him worse, but that wasn’t the point. She didn’t know what the point was, but she didn’t like it.

“We could go. Or we could stay. We could fight for our friends. We could show him that he can’t control you anymore.” Would Garrett stop if they just disappeared? Skye wasn’t sure about that. She wasn’t really sure she wanted to find out.

Stay, and fight. Was she serious? She couldn’t be.

“It is not that simple. I can’t fight him. it doesn’t work like that Skye.” He couldn’t fight him, there was only one ending for that story and it was one he wasn’t ready for. He didn’t know if he ever would be. Grant Ward, scared of nothing, not even his brother, was scared of this. “Everything I know, came from him before that I was nothing. And it happened back home too, He lost it I know that, but back here. I don’t know if I could even do any good back there. If we go though, it won’t matter, none of it will.”

He’d miss them. The friends he’d made. But they’d be safe and that was probably for the best.

As for the hurt, her concern. He couldn’t let her see that it bothered him. “Look, its fine, okay. We can call people once we’re a few counties over.”

Maybe he was running, maybe it was weak. Or maybe he just couldn’t watch his mentor die. He’d lived all that, the madness, the anger. Doing that again, he didn’t know if he could. He’d fallen pretty far afterward. Whatever came next though, he knew he needed her.

She was definitely serious. Skye knew about running. She’d done enough of that in her life. But that was in the past. Leaving their friends to Garrett’s whims, to his insanity, wasn’t something she could do. She couldn’t be sure he’d leave them alone just because they weren’t there anymore.

“It will matter. It’s not going to stop just because we’re not there. He could keep hurting our friends and even if he doesn’t, they’re figuring it out, Ward. The vampires, they’re going to rip him to pieces.” Some part of her felt bad for painting that picture, but it was true. She was pretty sure at least a couple of them had done the math, even if she hadn’t come right out and voiced her suspicions to them.

“Running isn’t going to solve anything, Ward.” She’d go with him, if he insisted, but she really didn’t think running was the answer here.

The vampires. There had clearly been more threats since. And there had been that text from Damon. Maybe she had a point about that. And he couldn’t let that happen. Skye might come with him but he was pretty sure she’d never forgive herself for leaving her friends behind. This was the best way he could protect her, he knew that too. But if he had to do that here then thats what he’d do. And John, well he hadn’t worked that out yet.

“I’ll stay. I’ll come back with you. But can we just stay here, just for a few hours. Pretend the world outside doesn’t exist. Until we have to.”

He knew it was a big ask, with everything going on, wanting even to take a few hours. But he needed this. With her. Before everything fell apart.

She was actually kind of surprised he’d agreed so easily. Skye had been prepared to argue for a while and she wasn’t even sure the arguments she would have used would work. Some part of him didn’t even blame him for not wanting to face any of this. Not that she was complaining. She was glad he’d agreed to come back with her. It would be better in the long run, she thought.

“A few hours,” she agreed. She could give him that much. She knew they should be getting back now. She should be helping the others figure out where Garrett was hiding so they could take him out. Ward would need some time, though. She got that on some level. “A few hours and then we go back.”

He had agreed because it was Skye. Because he knew her well enough to know what she’d want to do and because on some level he knew wherever they went, they’d need to keep running because John wouldn’t let this go. Especially with her. It had to end, and it had to end clean. He knew there was no talking him out of this. He’d tried and suffered cracked ribs and who knew what else for his trouble. For the weakness John still saw in him, and most of that, he said was Skye.

But they had a few hours, and much as it hurt to do much right now, Ward wanted her in his arms. If he was going to keep her safe, he would start now, by making her feel safe. By showing her that she could trust him, that if she did believe in him he wouldn’t ever let her down again.

She believed him. She did. And yet he needed to ask it as he pulled her into his arms, ignoring the pain of it. “Would you really have gone with me? I mean, if I insisted, if I wouldn’t go back. Would you have left here with me?”

If she’d have done that, she had to love him back. Didn’t she?

“I would have thought about it,” she admitted. The truth was, she didn’t know if she really could have gone through with it, knowing who she was leaving behind. She cared about Ward. She didn’t want to leave him out here alone and she could admit that she didn’t like the idea of not seeing him again. Would she have actually left town with him, though? That was a harder question to answer.

She glanced at the bruise, at the way he held himself, and remembered that he was hurt. “Are you sure you’re really okay?” She was worried about him, still. Some part of her still fought to keep her distance, told her she shouldn’t let him get to her, but that voice seemed to get quieter over time.

He wasn’t. And he knew she knew that. He’d watched another him tell her just how not okay he had been once and he didn’t want to go that route. But he had also said he wouldn’t lie to her. “I went to see him. After Davina...like I said, she was just a kid, there was no need. She was the same age I was when he first found me though and it scared the hell out of me, thinking she could die at that age. Cause of me. I went to him to ask him to stop. I said I’d walk away, push you all away if he’d just stop. But, y’know, that was another sign. That I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t be a man, that I was nothing now. Weakness. And you pay for weakness.” he told her, eyes almost glazed over, looking over her shoulder.

“I learned a lot in the woods though, back then. Nothing’s permanent, possessions mean nothing, you have to survive. No matter what, no matter how bad it gets. Without any of that I’d still be that scared kid, terrified of Christian’s temper. So it’s better, right. This is still better.”

Skye had been the first one to tell him it could be different. Call him a good man, okay before all the lies had come out. But she’d given him a chance here.

“You said once I was a good man. And I was lying to you then. For him. But I’m not lying now. I haven’t lied to you ever since you got here so I need honesty from you. Do you think I could be? I mean, do you think its possible. Because I look at you and I want to be someone you deserve. Someone you don’t have to be ashamed to care about. Maybe even someone you can be proud of”

Skye’s heart ached for him as he spoke, as he admitted what had happened. She hated Garrett for doing this to him, not just for hurting him physically, but for manipulating him the way he had. Garrett was hurting people, Ward’s friends, just to isolate him. And at the same time, he’d convinced him that he was the one in the wrong here, for daring to care about them to begin with.

Whispering his name, she stepped closer and brushed her hand gently over his cheek. Her eyes filled with compassion as she shook her head. It wasn’t better. “You can be anyone you want to be.” She believed that. He couldn’t undo the past, he couldn’t undo what he’d done, but that didn’t have to be his future. He could be the man he wanted to be. She just wished he would do it for the right reasons - for himself and not for her.

Carefully, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. She didn’t know how badly he was hurt and she didn’t want to hurt him worse, but at the same time, she wanted to comfort him.

He hadn’t been this honest, even with himself, probably ever. Everything he was telling her, every word was against everything he’d ever been taught. You hide your emotions, his mother taught him that, you don’t complain or it gets worse, that too. Christian had taught him fear. Pure terror. And Garrett. Well he’d taken a hollowed out broken mess and made it into a weapon. It was figuring out what he was without that that seemed to have sent him over the edge. Skye was the answer. Helping her. Though that hadn’t worked out so well.

“There’s never been a time in my life when there was no agenda. No one telling me who to be or what to do next. My family, it was a front. It was all a front so when I saw a chance to burn that away...” he shrugged. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered when she was with him.

“I want to believe you. That I can be anyone I want to be. I mean, I can be but I guess you meant it more metaphorically. I guess I just wouldn’t have an idea where to start.”

Hugging hurt, it really did, but he wouldn’t change where she was, where they were, for the world.

“All the same I’m glad you’re here.”

“Then do. Believe me, because it’s true.” She believed that. It wasn’t going to happen overnight, he had a lot to work through, but he wouldn’t have to do it alone. She’d help him if she could. She didn’t know why she was so willing to help him, but she was and she’d about given up trying to understand her own emotions.

“I guess it’s lucky you suck at hiding so much then,” she teased him lightly, leaning up to kiss his cheek. She was just glad she’d found him. A part of her really had worried that something had happened to him, that he’d been hurt. Which he actually had been. It was a relief to see that he was sort of okay. Or at least that he would be.