InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'm on my way."

Grant Ward is not a true believer (notanazi) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2015-01-09 02:50:00

Entry tags:

grant ward, skye

Who - SkyeWard
What - Going to look for Garrett
Where - Skye's place
When - During the Garrett hunt - 8 - 9 January 15
Rating - TBD, Ward is not PG
Status - In Progress

Funny what could change in a day. Yesterday had been confusing, but good too. He couldn't deny it. He'd been taking Skye to dinner but as it turned out she'd planned something for a birthday he'd completely forgotten about. And there were more people there than he'd ever imagined would care. Hell, even Simmons had shown up with a cake she swore blind wasn't poisoned, Turned out it wasn't. Turned out also that biochemists made good chefs. Probably the measuring.

He'd had a good night, hadn't thought about much beyond the people talking to him. And Skye. She truly was amazing. And while kissing in public seemed to still have been confined to midnight New Years Eve they had said goodnight with a shared moment by the door to her place before he'd headed home. It had been on the way there of course that'd he'd finally decided to check his phone. And everything had changed. Garrett had needed him. Something had happened, something that had worried John enough to show a weakness. Something was terribly wrong and he'd been what...socializing. Letting people in, being weak.

He'd looked for him for hours before finally contacting Steve. But even as he looked, thoughts started to creep in. Had it been a distraction? Was he hurt? Was he dead? Had Skye known? They all knew she was his weakness after all, it wasn't hard to see, he'd gotten sloppy around her, he hadn't cared, she was spending time with him. He'd helped her, they'd kissed. But then again, she was also the only one to know where John had been staying.

The thought felt like a betrayal. Though he knew Skye owed him nothing. And he knew he'd told her where John was willingly. To prove he was loyal to her. To prove she had his heart and always would. But at the same time he owed John Garrett everything. He'd built him up from nothing. And no matter the endgame, without John he'd be nothing. Skye had denied any involvement and Ward had believed her. Because he had to believe her, because she was Skye and there was no alternative but to believe her. She'd even offered to help find him, and that meant a whole lot more than she could ever know. He'd stopped looking just for a few minutes to go pick her up, knowing it was probably a bad plan. If John was hurt he wouldn't want Skye to see him in that state. If he was dead though, if something had gone so terribly wrong Ward knew he'd need her there. He knew he wouldn't be safe without her. Just on his person he had at least 5 things that would cause serious injury. 5 too many if that was the case.

He got to her place suddenly realising it had been cold. Very cold. He was dressed as he normally did for missions, and had rememebred to grab a jacket on the way out but hardly one sutible for January in Kansas. But it hadn't mattered, like he'd told Rogers he'd focused. He'd compartmentalized. He needed to get a grip on all those weaknesses of his and he needed to focus on John. But when Skye opened the door he couldn't help it. Seeing her, knowing she was willing to help him find a man she hated, knowing she believed he was worth something when frankly Ward didn't believe it himself.

He couldn't be without her. And he knew it. Weakness or not. This woman was his world. But that of course was what had gotten John in trouble.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

neverfit
2015-01-09 04:24 am UTC (link)

"It is not your job to protect him," she argued softly. He was beating himself up again, doing that self deprecating thing he did so well. Maybe it was this that got to her so easily. It was obvious - to her, anyway - that he hated himself as much as she'd tried to hate him. He couldn't see that the things he saw as weaknesses were actually good things. Whatever had happened to Garrett, it wasn't his fault and she wasn't going to let him blame himself for it.

Tasha had said she'd left him alive, but even if what she'd done played a role in whatever was happening to him now, she said Garrett had attacked her. This was all on him. She didn't know how to convince Ward of that without giving away what she knew. Hell, even then, he'd probably find a way to blame himself.

"This isn't your fault," she told him. She hated that man for making him feel this way. Last night had been a good thing and here Garrett was ruining that now, without even trying.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-01-09 04:34 pm UTC (link)

She was wrong. She was amazing, and he really truly did love her. But she was wrong. It was his job to protect John. Had been since he had left the Acadamy. He had only ever been in SHIELD to help John find a way to save himself, to help him revenge himself against the organization that had abandoned him so completely. But John had sensed a weakness in him, and now it had caused this. "I appreciate what you're trying to say but you don't understand. It is my fault. I let myself get distracted by..."

By her. The one thing about all of this that he didn't regret, he'd let her distract him. Let her be his weakness because he didn't care if it was wrong, or twisted or whatever she'd called it before, this was a feeling he'd felt for no one in his life and how could that be wrong.

"Skye, I just...I owe him. Okay? You might not believe it, but I do. And I failed him back home, I failed him and it nearly tore me apart, you saw that didn't you? I can't do that again here."

He hadn't fallen as far as the version of him he'd watched with morbid curiousity week in week out. But then there was something different here. Skye was different here. She'd listened, she'd given him a chance.

"I don't know where I'd be without you, do you know that?" he said softly, he was still trying to compartmentalize, trying not to feel, but around her. He didn't know that he could.

She really was distracting. He supposed though, not on purpose.

"We should...we need to go Skye." he said, really not wanting to leave her embrace just yet.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

neverfit
2015-01-11 02:20 am UTC (link)

"Me. You let yourself get distracted by me," she finished for him. Skye didn't feel guilty about that. She wouldn't feel guilty. She was actually pretty damn pissed that Garrett was managing to ruin what had been a good thing for him. She kind of doubted he'd ever even had a real birthday, a good one. Between his family history and those years with Garrett- She had tried to give him that last night and she knew he'd enjoyed it, even if he tried to pretend otherwise. Showing him he had friends here, that was important. She thought he needed that.

"He failed himself," she argued, shaking her head. "He made his own choices and those are the choices that got him killed back home. You're building something good here, don't let him ruin that."

She didn't know how to convince him and maybe she couldn't. Maybe, despite what he told her, his loyalty to Garrett was just too strong. Maybe she was an idiot for trying to help him. Probably, she was. No matter what her brain told her, she just couldn't seem to walk away.

She wasn't really distracting him on purpose, and she nodded when she said they needed to go. "I know," she said, but she didn't make a move to pull away from him yet.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-01-11 02:43 am UTC (link)

Ward couldn't help the slight curl of his lips at her as she finished his statement. He'd been distracted by her. "You can be very distracting." he explained, still very aware neither of them had pulled away. As it turned out she'd held the party for him, for no other reason than she thought he deserved it. And it hadn't been awful. On counting up he had more friends than he thought he'd had. Or deserved.

But she was still wrong about John, especially about what had gotten him killed back home. That had been him.

"You missed this but back home, when it all happened, I didn't know. I fought May, I didn't know he was dead until some random military guy mentioned how he had word from Coulson that 'the threat was eliminated'. That's all I got. Then Coulson told me how I'd devoted my life to a narcisist who'd never given a damn about me, but...its not like that. I couldn't defend myself though, couldn't say a damn word even if I'd wanted to. But its better sometimes, safer not to argue."

He shook his head and moved back just enough for his eyes to meet hers.

"What am I building? Friends, trust? A chance with you? Is that part of my life here that he could ruin, because Skye I am betraying everything I know every time you ask me something about him, everytime. And I tell you, don't I? I tell you every time because I can't lie to you. Because I can't see that look on your face ever again, I can't feel that again. You understand me? If he ever hurt you I'd..."

He couldn't even think it yet. The impossibility of it. John had seen him after Quinn had shown up. It had taken every fiber of loyalty he'd ever had to him not to put a bullet in the bastards brain. John needed him, so he'd done nothing.

But it had taken a lot. Just like his loyalty to the woman in his arms did.

"Do you understand what you mean to me?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

neverfit
2015-01-11 11:45 pm UTC (link)

"And I'm not even trying," she said, smirking a little. She knew how he felt about her. She knew that if she had really wanted to distract him, she could do it pretty effectively. It probably wouldn't have involved a surprise party, but you know.

"I know you fought May. I was there. And I know what happened to Garrett. I saw the file. You think it wasn't his own choices that got him there? Coulson was right. Garrett didn't care about you. He doesn't. He only cares about what you can do for him. He cares about using you."

Skye knew how he felt about her, but she doubted that could really be stronger than his loyalty to that man. Even now, he was defending him. He was blaming himself for everything that had happened. Ward wasn't an innocent in that, not by a long shot, but he wasn't responsible for what happened to Garrett, either.

"Last night, you saw how many people care about you. Not just me, but all those people who showed up. Who care about you, not about what you can do for them or what you can get them." She sighed as she looked up at him, not even sure if she was getting through to him. "And you would throw it all away, if he asked you to, wouldn't you?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-01-12 12:29 am UTC (link)

It was more complicated than that, there was more to it than she could possibly know. The loyalty he had to John was more than just that of an S.O. John was the first one to think he could be more than he was. To think he had a chance to step up and take control of his situation.

"I think SHIELD abandoned him, same as they did me and Fitz. He decided to take a shot with the people that offered him more. It wasn't the best choice. But he wasn't a believer any more than I was. He just wanted to live. Can you argue that, can anyone? Whatever happened after, ultimately everything I did, everything he did. It was to keep him alive. Skye I know its hard to understand. I know what he did. I know he found a scared angry kid and saw a potential weapon. I know everything he did. That doesn't change that I owe him."

She had a point though. He had friends. He had people that cared. It had shocked him, seeing them all in one place like that. And knowing Skye had done that for him, for no gain whatsoever, with no agenda. He reached down taking her hand in his and kept his gaze on her. "...I know...I know I have friends. And last night, I'm grateful you did that for me. But don't ask me that. Please don't. Not when I don't know where the hell he is. Not when he could be dead somewhere and I could be here, with you, not knowing. There's so much in my head right now. I just...there's a lot I need to...I can't focus...I thought I could but its not working."

He squeezed her hand. Skye was the only way he could get that back. "We just need to find him, okay? I need to know."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

neverfit
2015-01-12 04:13 am UTC (link)

"Wanting to live doesn't excuse killing others. It doesn't excuse torturing Coulson or having Quinn shoot me. He had Mike stop your heart, he was willing to gamble with your life to save his own." It didn't matter that she'd still felt enough compassion that she couldn't let Mike kill him, Garrett had been willing to let Ward die and she didn't understand how he could still be that loyal to the man.

She didn't even know why she cared so much. After everything he had done, especially to her, she shouldn't care. She should hate him, she remembered actually doing so. She remembered being so angry that she shot him. Multiple times. Even with that, some part of her couldn't help it. She couldn't help wanting to help him, even if it was just to make him see how much he had here and how that was better than anything Garrett could ever offer him.

Nodding her head, she returned the squeeze to her hand, tightening hers around his. "We will find him," she promised him. That was all she could promise him right now, but she hoped it was enough.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-01-12 10:38 am UTC (link)

And on some level Ward knew that was true. All of it, what had happened with Quinn had angered him, he'd told Garrett as much, he'd been furious after the stuff with Peterson. But all that had fallen away after he'd weakened. His worry about Garrett overriding everything else, he'd gotten everyone out of the room and done what he could to help him. No one else needed to see weakness like that.

"You remember things I don't. About how it all played out after. I mean I've seen it, but you lievd it. You know I didn't cope well, not right away. I failed, and I know, I get that he doesn't care. I'm not stupid. But that doesn't matter. I still owe him. Because he made me something that mattered not some scared kid with nothing and no one."

She squeezed his hand, and he nodded, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head before finally, reluctantly pulling back.

"I'm so sorry I'm putting you through this. You know that don't you." Here she was promising they would find the man that she so hated. "I'm so sorry."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

neverfit
2015-01-13 02:45 am UTC (link)

She knew they remembered things different, they saw things differently and mostly she thought that he just couldn't see clearly what Garrett really was, even though he claimed he could. She hadn't seen him for months after, not until Coulson had ordered her to and even then she had fought hard against the compassion and sympathy she still couldn't help feeling. It worried her now, remembering that moment when she realized he'd been hurting himself in that cell in whatever way he could find. Would he go back to that if Garrett wasn't actually okay? Ward wasn't the only one who was having trouble holding onto the focus they both needed for this, even if it was for different reasons. Her concern was all for him. She only cared about Garrett's well-being as it affected the man she was standing here with.

And it was probably her fault. She'd give Tasha the address and whatever had happened, that meant she might have some responsibility. She couldn't admit that to him, though. She couldn't tell him what she knew, not unless it became essential to finding the man she despised.

"The best parts of you have nothing to do with him," she said, willing to leave it at that. She knew he believed he owed Garrett everything and maybe she'd never convince him otherwise. Maybe it was stupid to keep trying. It was almost definitely stupid to care so much about him having the chance for something better.

Skye shook her head at his apology. "You're not putting me through anything. This is my choice. Whatever we find, I want to be there." She could make a hundred excuses at to why, like how she'd promised Tasha that she'd let her know what they foudn, but but there was a part of her that knew it was for him, because she wanted to be there for him.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-01-13 03:04 am UTC (link)

And yet what she thought were the best parts of him he'd been taught to believe were weaknesses. All the love he felt for her, every consideration that maybe he deserved something better from life. It felt to him like a failure. But she made him believe sometimes that maybe he could be more than that. Maybe he could be the man she believed him to be.

"You see something in me I'm not sure is actually there. But you know that for you I'm trying." he told her, still not leaving the apartment even though he knew full well they should. They needed to find John and every second he delayed was a second that could make the difference. Still, being around her like this. Her telling him she wanted to help, she was here for him, not for anyone else. So few people had ever put him first, made him matter. He didn't always know what to do with that feeling.

"What if he's dead? What if we get there and..."

It might be easier than looking John in the eye knowing he'd failed. He'd suffer for it, for the failure, for every second here with her. But still he didn't make a move to leave. He was content with her, the constant battle in his mind between his orders and what he himself wanted, the constant threat assessment. Planning. It quieted around her. And even now with the worry over John, with every eventuality running through his mind, he couldn't deny what he felt.

"I need you to know, whatever happens if he is, if I failed. I'll keep my promise to you, okay, you asked me not to...not to fall too far, not to hurt myself. I won't. I love you too damn much for that. And i know you don't, you never have to say it back, I just, I need to tell you as often as I can. Is that okay?" he asked simply taking her hand back in his own.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

neverfit
2015-01-13 04:25 pm UTC (link)

Sometimes Skye wondered if the things she valued were actually weaknesses. Friendship, love, compassion. Her compasssion had saved Ward's life when she shouldn't have cared. It had made her give up the data on the drive, without which Garrett never would have gotten the GH and maybe Coulson would have never started those carvings. Maybe they never would have found the city, she never would have become whatever she was now. Maybe it was that one act of compassion when she should have been stronger that had set all of that in motion. She'd trained hard with May to channel and control her emotions, , but if her compassion was a weakness, it was one she couldn't shake.

"If he is, then we'll deal with it. It'll hurt and it'll be hard, but you won't have to go through it alone." She could have lied to him. She could have made upkeep able promises about how Garrett was fine and how everything was going to work out, but there was no point. They both knew what they could be walking into when they found him.

It was funny that he seemed to know what she felt when she didn't really know, herself, but Skye nodded at his fervent promises and squeezed his hand, nodding her head, because she didn't trust herself to speak. It was a little annoying how her stomach flipped when he said those words.

"We should go," she mumbled, even though she still hadn't really moved away from him. "Rogers is going to think you got abducted or something."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notanazi
2015-01-13 09:49 pm UTC (link)

She wasn't pandering to him, she was being honest when he needed her to be even if it hurt. She'd be there for him if the worst happened, and if he was to keep his promise, which he had to do now, he'd need her help. He'd need her there with him every step. But she had made the offer and Ward didn't understand why. Fooling around was one thing, she could chalk that up to moments of madness, but this offer, the party. It was too much.

"I don't deserve this, you. Any of this." he told her, still very aware they hadn't moved. "Why're you doing this, any of this when I'm still me, I've still done the things I've done and you remember all of it." Skye confused him. She had done for a while now.

His hand was still in hers and he made to take a step toward the door, moving just a ways before pausing to turn back to her.

"Why do you care?" he asked, pausing in the doorway to look her in the eyes. His beautiful Skye. With him when she absolutely didn't have to be, caring about him in a way no one ever had, giving him a chance to be better. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her. And he knew, god, he knew they needed to go, every second here, with her was dangerous for John. But here she was, her hands in his and he couldn't seem to completely pull away from her. Not until he knew why she was doing this.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

neverfit
2015-01-17 07:05 pm UTC (link)

"I don't know."

It wasn't a great answer, but it was an honest one. She couldn't say he deserved it. She knew what he had done, what he was capable of. A part of her was still furious and she couldn't quite bring herself to trust him, not completely. She knew she should hate him or that at the very least she should keep her distance, but there was something that just kept drawing her in.

Maybe it was her drive to help people, because, really, who needed saving more than Grant Ward did? But deep down she knew that wasn't all it was. She knew it wasn't just about freeing him from Garrett's hold on him or helping him to move on with his life after everything they'd all been through. She also knew she couldn't keep pretending it was about getting to Garrett, finding out what the hell he was up to.

Skye didn't know why she cared about Ward. She shouldn't. But she did. She couldn't help herself.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -