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Tweak says, "Gus. It's a good butch name."

Molly Hooper is just fine, thank you (ofsternerstuff) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2015-01-04 17:15:00

Entry tags:

khan, molly hooper

Who: Molly and Khan
What: Their first fight
Where: Their hotel room in London
When: The afternoon of New Year's Eve
Rating/Status: PG-13 but could go higher/Incomplete

It had been a rough few months for Molly. She'd lost John in October, Mary and Ava in November and then Livvy, Harry and Melissa within days of each other right before Christmas. At the rate she was going any new friends she might make were going to be taken back too, and she was still debating in her head whether there was any point in being friendly with anyone. It would probably be less heartbreaking if she wasn't, but that wasn't who she was. And she liked having friends. She liked being social and doing things and being around other people. It made her happy. And it wasn't as though everyone was gone. So far as she knew, Florence and Bo were still there, and the Doctor, and Tom. She would just make it a point to talk to them more until she could make new friends again.

She was quite thankful Khan was still there, though. If she had lost him as well in the onslaught of Seal induced departures she wasn't quite sure what she would have done. Probably been an absolute wreck for far too long, hoping the Seal would take her back as well. Granted, going back home meant going back to Tom, and even though the her in Lawrence knew how that ended the her back home wouldn't, and she'd have to go through the end of that relationship herself instead of hearing about it secondhand. She didn't want to deal with that. And really, she had realized that Tom really had been a substitute for Sherlock in so many ways. But she was past that, even if she was dating Sherlock's facetwin in this world. They were two completely different men and she cared for them in different ways. It probably wouldn't look that way to anyone else, but she knew it was true.

She was glad he'd come with her to London. He didn't have to; this wasn't his London, and she could have just as easily spent the time here on her own, but it was better that he had come with her. One of the first things they did was to go look at the places she knew from home. She had been so pleased to see her flat was still there, that 221B Baker Street looked the same, that St. Bart's was still there. It was home, even if it wasn't really her home. It had helped ease some of the homesickness she'd felt since she got dropped off in Lawrence. And getting to show him had made it better.

She'd noticed a slight shift in things, however. Something seemed slightly off in all of this and she wasn't sure what it was. She knew Khan better than most, and she could tell when things weren't quite right. It wasn't like how he acted around James; that she was used to from any time the three of them were in the same room together. That was more blatant and overt, even if he was usually trying to temper it down, either for Bo or the truce. That she could usually help alleviate in some way. But this was different. This was something more...subtle, for lack of a better term. And she didn't know why she felt that something was off, but after four days of it she felt she needed to know exactly what was going on in his head. And so now she was sitting on the bed in their hotel room, looking at her hands and trying to figure out how to bring it up. Finally she looked up at him. "Is something wrong?" she asked with a moment's hesitation.

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respondedinkind
2015-01-05 08:36 pm UTC (link)

He wasn't trying to be as cold as he was. The truth was, though, this wasn't the holiday he'd hoped for. There was that glimmer of hope that he could maybe be normal. That he could become an actual functioning part of society with a woman who cared for him. It had never been in his plans, but now that he was so close to it, he couldn't help but try.

But this was not the London he knew. The one he had learned by skirting around the city, letting it seep into him. This was his past, people on their archaic technology and overexcited by their trivial things. And that man...that face was everywhere. Too many recent projects. And while Khan's previous wish meant that the people of London didn't see him when they looked at Khan, it was still uncomfortable.

Then, as if to make matters worse, his name kept coming up. 'I wish Sherlock were there', or 'This is where Sherlock and John would...' It was irritating at best. And it caused something else in him. It had been hard enough knowing he'd never equal Sherlock Holmes in John's eyes. But he'd rather hoped Molly had moved on. That she didn't still feel haunted by the man the way John had. Yet there he was, an unwanted third wheel on their trip.

They had returned to the hotel after a day of sightseeing and he hadn't wanted to join her on the bed yet. Or ever, at the rate they were going. Instead, he stood at the window, looking out over the city. If he tried, if he squinted, he could almost see the London he had left behind. It was at least close to what he remembered from before the crew had been arrested. That wasn't really a comforting thought, either.

At her words, he froze. Talking about feelings never went well for him. His muscles tensed but he didn't turn towards her. His voice came out low and cold, a nod to the man he'd been so long ago on the Enterprise. He had believed he had changed. But what if he hadn't? "Everything is fine," he said slowly. "Why?" Then he held his breath, waiting.

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ofsternerstuff
2015-01-05 09:21 pm UTC (link)

She looked down at her hands again. And there it was, the coldness she'd thought she'd felt on full display. She'd done something to upset him. Sometimes, though not often, she felt as though he was displeased with her, that she annoyed him. It had faded considerably once they started dating but right now? Right now it was actually worse than before.

"you just seem distant, that's all," she said quietly. "And you seem to be unhappy." She had almost added "with me" but held off. She had the feeling if she added that things might get very bad very quickly. She paused for a few moments before she spoke again. If this was going to get worse than she wanted the truth. "Did I do something wrong?" She finally asked.

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respondedinkind
2015-01-05 10:25 pm UTC (link)

If he knew her train of thought, he would have stopped it right there. She could never annoy him. She tolerated him as he found his footing in the thing they were calling a relationship and it meant more to him than he knew how to say. He might even say he'd grown more than fond of her, but he was having difficulty grasping what that meant and how to handle it.

Instead, he turned at the hesitation in her voice. Had she done something wrong? Well. To a point. Bringing the ghost of another man on what was meant to be their holiday was definitely wrong. But how could he tell her that? He would sound jealous and foolish and that wasn't what he wanted. No, he needed to keep himself in check. "Why did you wish to come here, Molly?" He asked slowly, each word carefully thought out before being spoken.

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ofsternerstuff
2015-01-05 10:52 pm UTC (link)

She didn't see him turn around because she didn't look up. She wouldn't be able to talk to him if he looked upset. This was always the hard part in any relationship she'd had, the part that generally led to her being told the myriad reasons something had gone wrong. And usually just after that was the part where it ended.

"I needed to get away from Lawrence, from everything there and everything I've lost so far this year," she said. "And going home seemed the best idea, even if this isn't really my home. And I didn't want to be here alone because I've spent too much time in London alone."

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respondedinkind
2015-01-06 03:20 am UTC (link)

"Home..." He repeated. The word sounded foreign to him. His eyes darted towards the window but it was pointless. This wasn't home. Not for him. Had he even had a home since that day they'd been put into stasis and launched into space? He would never consider what he'd had under Markus a home. He might have made one, had he been able to regain his crew. That was a lifetime ago, now, and home... Well. He had thought he'd had it. Lawrence was home. He had friends. A family who cared for him. He even had something as domestic as pets, even if his were wild animals. And Molly. He had Molly. She helped make Lawrence home for him. For a time, he had thought he did the same for her. Now he couldn't be certain. Instead of letting him help her though her fears of Lawrence, she had run. And while she had taken him, maybe she merely wanted the reminder of what she had almost had.

"I see," he said coolly. "You didn't wish to be alone." Maybe he had been better off alone. This certainly wasn't helping him any. Beneath the surface, he could feel the edges of unchecked rage. But there was something else. Something icing down the angry fire.

Hurt. He felt hurt. And that was odd and unusual.

"I suppose you did need the reminder of them," he continued, crossing his arms in front of him. "And since he wouldn't be able to accompany you, you may as well have me along, correct?" The icy tone of his voice was masking something far more passionate, but he was afraid to let that part of him go, terrified of what letting it out would mean.

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ofsternerstuff
2015-01-06 03:49 am UTC (link)

Her head snapped up at that last bit, and her eyes went wide. Did he seriously just say she'd only brought him because he was Sherlock's facetwin? Did he actually think that was the only reason she was interested in him? As she studied him closely she could tell yes, that was what he thought. They'd known each other for months and been dating for three of them and he thought she saw Sherlock when she looked at him and that was all. And this newfound knowledge angered her.

"How long have you thought that?" she asked incredulously. "The last few days? The entire time we've been dating? Tell me exactly how long you've thought I see you as a substitute for Sherlock because really, I want to know. I have every right to know if the entire time you've thought I looked at you or spoke to you or did anything with you and simply saw a pale imitation of a man who I used to fancy but stopped pining after long before I landed in Lawrence."

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respondedinkind
2015-01-06 04:09 am UTC (link)

His first reaction to her outburst was relief. The wave rushed over him; she wouldn't have reacted so aggressively if she wasn't sincere. The second reaction was, admittedly, desire. He should have felt shame at that, but couldn't bring himself to. Molly was so often quiet and timid, afraid to challenge others. The fiery outburst was intensely attractive and he'd be lying to himself if he said otherwise.

That wasn't the concern, though. She was angry. Fine. So was he. Or, at least, he could act as if he was. The truth was, he still held a fear of a man who wasn't even there. "So what if I do think that way?" he snapped back. "Your feelings for him were hardly a secret, Molly. Why should I not think that there's at least a chance that that's all I am? A replacement." He knew that's all he'd been for John, even after his secret had come out. "Be honest with me. Would you have even looked twice at me had I not resembled him so closely?"

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ofsternerstuff
2015-01-06 04:25 am UTC (link)

She got up off the bed at that point. She was incredulous and so very very angry, and if he wanted the absolute truth she'd get as much in his face as she could and she'd give it to him. Admittedly the six inch difference between them was going to make that harder but it was the idea behind it. She wanted him to see, up close and personal, exactly how much the whole idea that she didn't see him as his own man upset her. And if she needed to slap him it was better if she didn't have to get up off the bed and stalk over to him to do it.

"The first time I talked to you on the boards I was surprised that you looked like him. I'll admit that was part of the reason I asked you about Sprinkles in the first place, because there was interest there because you looked like him. But I realized fairly quickly that you are not Sherlock. By the time I actually invited you over to my home I knew you were better than Sherlock in quite a few ways. I have not since that day thought of you as a replacement." She paused. "No. To be honest, I never thought of you as a replacement. If you were a replacement you'd be a cold, calculating arsehole who thought he was better than everyone else with fleeting moments of a good side shining through, because despite what John thinks that's who he is most of the time I've known him. That wasn't who you were towards me. You never have been. And so that is why I never once considered you a replacement. But if you honestly think that then you don't really know me at all."

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respondedinkind
2015-01-06 04:40 am UTC (link)

Cold. Calculating. Thought he was better than everyone else. The reason it had been so easy for him to play the part of Sherlock Holmes was because in so many ways, they were just alike. Much more than Molly seemed to know. Khan watched as she approached, his hands curling into fists at his sides. Intentionally, he made his nails dig into his skin, attempting to cause pain to distract him. It was an old habit, one borne of the stress of leading so many so quickly. It helped him focus on things other than his first instincts.

His eyes traced over her face, watching her. He actually thought maybe she would hit him, and wouldn't that be interesting to see. Oh, it wouldn't hurt him. It would hardly cause him to flinch. But he would likely flare up in response and that was something he didn't want.

After a few deep breaths, he let her words register. She'd never seen him as a replacement for her lost love? Not even once? "His name has come up at least half a dozen times since we've been here," he pointed out, though all anger was gone from his voice. It was replaced with hesitation, a foreign sound to his own ears. "I would fight the forces of hell all over again for you...but I can't fight a ghost. I'm not that good."

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ofsternerstuff
2015-01-06 04:55 am UTC (link)

She blinked at what he said. He didn't seem angry, just...hurt. She had hurt him, and that had been the absolute last thing she'd wanted to do. He was probably the most important person in her life. She would do anything for him, even if it meant fighting a battle or something like that. And to hear he would do that for her...she almost felt like she didn't deserve that right now.

"He's important to me," she said quietly. "He's always going to be important to me, but it will always be the way John and Mary were. He was just a friend, nothing more. But you are one of the most important people in my life, Khan. You mean so much more to me than he does. If he was here and I was told I could only speak to one of you for the rest of the time I was here I would choose you every time, without any hesitation at all. And I would do it because I will never love him the way I love you."

There. She had said it. She should have told him earlier, should have told him often, as often as he needed to hear it. As often as he wanted to hear it. Because she did love him, more than she could actually say without sounding like a fool. She just really hoped he believed her because if he didn't she'd walk away and she didn't want to do that, not at all.

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respondedinkind
2015-01-06 05:06 am UTC (link)

Her words took time to sink in and even more time to make sense. Had she truly said what he thought she'd said? That word... He barely understood it. Standard human emotions were still so strange to him. And he certainly had never felt what one might call love.

Or had he? As he understood it, there were various forms love could take. The feeling of warmth and hope he felt when he heard Bo's laughter. That counted, didn't it? His need to protect those in his care-the fury with which he'd fought for his family. Wasn't that a form of love? Romantic love was another thing entirely, though, and he couldn't swear that's what he felt and he wouldn't do that to her. He wouldn't say words he couldn't guarantee. She deserved better.

Instead, he closed the gap between them, taking her delicate face in his hands and bringing his mouth down to hers. For someone who had only recently started kissing, he was a quick learning student, especially when his teacher was the gorgeous woman who had captured his attention so completely. It wasn't the declaration of love she was likely hoping for, but it was something. It was every emotion he had built up forced into a deep and lingering kiss, rather than words. "I'm sorry," he whispered against her mouth, his eyes still closed. More words he wasn't used to saying, but ones that needed to be spoken.

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ofsternerstuff
2015-01-06 05:17 am UTC (link)

She hadn't expected him to say it back, but the kiss had told her enough. Maybe one day he would say it. She would wait, and even if he never did that was fine. It wouldn't remotely change how she felt about him. She felt a wide smile spread across her face as she moved as close as she could. "Apology accepted," she said with just the barest of nods before she kissed him again.

She stayed close to him even when the kiss was over, glad that things had worked out. Then she got an idea. "You know, we don't need to stay here in London," she said, shifting slightly so she could put her arms around his neck. "Between our wishes we could go anywhere we wanted. And I don't have to be back until the nineteenth since classes don't start until the twentieth, if you think you could stand to be away from Lawrence that long with me. We could at least have a better ending to our holiday than the start."

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respondedinkind
2015-01-06 05:36 am UTC (link)

She seemed to accept what he was unwilling to say, and he was grateful for that at the very least. As she shifted towards him, he slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her close. Looking down at her pretty features, he realized how blinded he'd been. His own fears had come first when really, her feelings should have been clear. She had never let him down and he needed to respect that.

As she spoke, he bent his head, placing a line of feather light kisses against her jaw. "That sounds perfect," he admitted between kisses, smiling against her skin. "Wherever your heart desires. Somewhere more...relaxing. Isolated." Between his new ability to get them there and hers to pay for anything they needed while they were there, he was content with the idea. His kisses paused briefly over her pulse point, feeling the life that swelled in her. His eyes closed as that very thought washed over him. As someone who should likely have been dead, he really should have been taking advantage of this being alive thing.

"But after tonight," he said softly, pulling back to look at her. "I suppose we should see midnight in here. It is what we intended, after all."

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ofsternerstuff
2015-01-06 05:49 am UTC (link)

She shut her eyes as he did that. If he wasn't careful she was going to suggest forgetting all about New Year's Eve and just spending the entire evening doing more kissing. And possibly more than that, but only if he was inclined. She knew for once she was the more experienced one and she was willing to let him set the terms of what they did and how far they went. But the more he did that the more she was sincerely regretting doing that.

When he pulled away she gave him a wide smile. "Well, there's a lot to be said for someplace warm," she said. "And I could agree to relaxing and isolated. I would much rather spend my time with you and just you and not a city full of people until I have to go back to work. But I suppose we can wait until after midnight, unless you'd rather avoid being in a room full of strangers. Though I do have a very nice dress for the occasion that I would love to wear that I think you'll enjoy, so there is that."

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respondedinkind
2015-01-06 06:07 am UTC (link)

She'd rather spend the time with him... It was tempting and overwhelmingly so. He'd been so resistant so far and she'd been entirely patient. More patient than a grown man could have asked. It was simply awkward, being his age with his level of power and having nothing to show for it in the bedroom. Things most men took for granted.

He hesitated. "As much as I enjoy seeing you in dresses...I find I would rather spend midnight with you. With only you." His hand ran a trail up and down her spine and he met her eyes with an intensity he usually saved for things like war. Things he was passionate about. Well, now those things included her. "I'd like to spend the New Year showing you just how incredibly worthy you are."

A small, almost shy smile crossed his face. "I'm rather grateful you don't see me as Sherlock. That man was a fool for not seeing just how beautiful you are. But I do." The hand on her back shifted, pulling lightly at her blouse to trace the too-soft skin beneath. "I always have."

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ofsternerstuff
2015-01-06 06:15 am UTC (link)

If it was at all possible her smile got even wider. She really did love this man so very much. She moved her hands down slightly and played with the collar of his shirt. "I think we can arrange to simply skip the traditional New Year's Eve festivities and not leave the room until next year," she said, her smile turning much more seductive. "Because I like your idea much better than what we'd had planned."

She leaned in and kissed him again, keeping it soft but passionate. "I don't think Sherlock could hold a candle to you," she murmured against his lips when she pulled away. "And I don't want him to ever try. I would much rather have you, however I can get you."

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