InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "the rhythm is gonna getcha!"

Enj Is Probably Saving Puppies (decidewhoweare) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2014-09-16 18:15:00

Entry tags:

enjolras, grantaire

Who: Enjolras and Grantaire
What: Desperately trying to get through to alcoholic best friends
Where: Some gutter probably and then the Inn
When: The morning after the debauchery that is Grantaire drunk posting
Warnings: Language, references, idk this won't be a happy post

It was an hour or so after he started looking that Enjolras finally found his friend. While he wished he could be sympathetic, he found he was more disgusted by his condition. At some point he had passed out. He was in a dark alley, like some homeless man. There had clearly been a fight, as his knuckles were bloodied, his eye was darkening as they stood there, and frankly he looked like hell.

But then, maybe that was the hangover.

There was no question about Grantaire's drunken state the night before. Enjolras had known him long enough to know the difference. He could smell it all over him. They weren't talking a glass of wine or a shot or two. No, Grantaire had been pathetically and totally drunk.

The first sight he had seen when he'd woken was Enjolras' dark glare and his arms crossed angrily in front of him. Fortunately, Grantaire was too hungover to argue. He only nodded to get the man to follow. But he knew Enjolras well enough to know just how angry he was. His jaw was clenched and his shoulders tensed. The most signature sign, though, was the silence. He wasn't lecturing. He was completely and totally silent.

The anger was more a mask than anything. It wasn't anger he felt so much as disappointment. He hurt. He wasn't enough to make his friend change. Eventually he'd lose him because he couldn't get through to him and he would dig himself an early grave. He needed Joly. Or Combferre. Someone who wasn't Enjolras.

Once they were in the Inn, he threw his things down on a side table and turned to march up the stairs. And then he saw him. Standing there, leaning against the wall, looking like he had no cares at all.

And he snapped.

"Really? You could at least act like this is an issue! You could act like it means a damn thing to you that you scare the hell out of me every time you do this." He'd unconsciously switched to French which was probably for the best. He was so emotional at that point he'd likely butcher English.

(Post a new comment)

vagueambition
2014-09-16 11:25 pm UTC (link)

If he were to try and explain why he'd done it, he might struggle. Not because he didn't know (he was perfectly clear on that), but because he truly didn't want to. It had simply hurt too much, and he hadn't known how to deal with that. Hadn't known how to talk about it. Hadn't wanted to. So he'd done what was in the end probably completely unsurprising, and failed his friend again. At the time of course it hadn't felt like failing. It had felt good. Better. Admittedly, arguing with someone to that point had been ill advised, but he was hardly known as someone who ever erred on the side of caution. And hitting back had, again, felt good. At the time.

Now, he was here, and he hurt in a different way completely. All the physical pain, from the lesser but still present pain of fresh bruises to the pounding of his head, paled in to comparison to the pain he felt at the disappointment on his friends face. It was no surprise that he'd fallen in to the pattern he had because facing the day after had always been easier by having another drink. Now, though. Now he was faced with Enjolras' glare. And his silence. And that was never a sign of anything good.

He was honestly surprised by the words that he eventually got. He'd mostly stopped where he was because for one he had assumed now that he'd gotten him back Enjolras was just going to storm off in his silent self righteous anger and leave it, and because he honestly wasn't sure where he should go. Where he had the will to go.

But those words, they were so typically Enjolras he couldn't help but hit back, though he didn't raise his voice to meet that of his friends. He sounded almost disinterested by contrast. The effect was added to by the roughness of his voice, coloured by what he'd done to himself. "I suppose you did come to the conclusion that this was entirely about you." He winced internally at the words as soon as he said them, but it was too late to take them back now.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

decidewhoweare
2014-09-17 03:03 am UTC (link)

"No, Grantaire," Enjolras corrected angrily. "I'm quite aware it's all about you. God forbid jt not be about you for a few minutes." He considered walking away. Neither of them was in a very good mood and they were in danger of saying a lot of things they didn't mean. But he couldn't help it. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted to maybe knock some sense into him. "All this has ever been is about you. Never once do you consider the feelings of anyone else when you go off and do these things to yourself."

One day. One day he'd pick a fight and the person on the other end would be an angry vampire. Or he'd fall asleep in a gutter and have his amulet stolen. Or one day his liver would just give up trying, and who could blame it, really? No matter the situation, he'd end up dead. Enjolras would lose him all over again and then what was the point of the Zeal giving him this second chance?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

vagueambition
2014-09-17 04:19 am UTC (link)

"You must be joking," he retorted, frustration leeching in to his voice. "You've decided over the course of what, a few weeks? That this is some thing you have to beat. Your latest cause. Before you decided nothing was ever about anything but you. But you can't stop being so damn sanctimonious for long enough to see that! Enjolras, righting all the wrongs of the world. You want to tell me it's about me? Fine. It is. I accept that. I absolve you of any further responsibility. God forbid poor, pitiable Grantaire embarrass you further."

He broke off there, trying to stay his temper as he looked a away, arms crossed. He hadn't meant to go so far or say half of that. Hadn't wanted to get angry. But damn if Enjolras didn't infuriate him.

"Maybe you have someone in your life now you permit to make mistakes. It's certainly never been me," he spoke more quietly now but with no less bitterness.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

decidewhoweare
2014-09-17 12:52 pm UTC (link)

"I decided years ago, but you refused to listen!" Okay, he was back to yelling. No one knew how to properly argue like he did. There was a reason he had a law degree. In both worlds, really, though he hadn't quite finished before his death. He logically knew yelling would get him nowhere. That didn't make it any easier not to. "You're killing yourself and that isn't okay!"

He wasn't sure if that last bit was meant to be a slight at him or at Eponine or both. He didn't care. It only fueled him on. "You can make mistakes, I don't care about mistakes. This isn't a mistake, Grantaire, it's your life on the line." He stepped forward, then, breaking into Grantaire's personal space and getting right in his face. "This is a dangerous place. You've seen that now. Foolish behaviour is enough to do in one night what it'll take the alcohol years to do. And you know it will, I know Joly talked to you, John, too."

Anger was giving way to desperation and he reached out, fisting Grantaire's shirt in his hands and shoving him into the wall with a firm shake. "What will it take? What do I have to say to get through to you? I can't lose you, not again!"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

vagueambition
2014-09-17 01:18 pm UTC (link)

"You didn't give a damn back then!" More words he wanted to snatch back the second they hung in the air between them. He'd tried plenty of times since his arrival here to tell Enjolras he wasn't to blame and now he was contradicting himself. But with Enjolras pushing his temper like he was he couldn't see that, was beyond being reasonable or curbing his words.

"Yes you do," he scoffed. "The mistakes I've made are just about the only thing you did care about. You sure as hell never had trouble pointing them out." As Enjolras stepped closer he took a step away, til his back hit the wall behind him. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this ever. Not feeling like he was. Not sober. But Enjolras had taken away his ability to respond how he usually did. He couldn't walk away, he had no where to go.

When he grabbed him though, he could do nothing but react. "I don't care!" His voice rose to match the volume his friends had taken as he lifted his hands, shoving him backward. "I don't care and I don't need you in my face being so self righteous, telling me you understand!" His voice near cracked on the last word but despite the rising sense of regret at what he was doing and the voice in his own head screaming at him to stop because he wasn't being fair, he couldn't.

"You think you know what it's like? Eponine gets taken away from you for a few weeks and you think you can stand there and tell me what's fair? You think some times passed, and what, Enjolras? You want me to stand here and pretend I'm okay? Because I've never wanted anyone to be happy as much as I want it for you, and yet it's killing me!" The words left him with barely a pause for breath and when he stopped all he could do was find a way to just leave. He shoved angrily at the chair that was in his way when he turned to walk away so it nearly toppled over.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

decidewhoweare
2014-09-17 01:34 pm UTC (link)

"I get it, okay? I messed up. I was a horrible friend, everyone knows it. I'm sure if the others showed up tomorrow they'd back you. But damn you, don't you act for a minute like every single thing I've done here hasn't been for someone else!" In so many ways, it was. The people of Lawrence, the displaced, Eponine... When was the last time he'd truly focused on him? And now he also had Gavroche and Grantaire to take care of and Jesus, sometimes it was too much. But he had to. He had so many things to atone for.

He didn't even flinch when Grantaire pushed back. Rather, he expected it. It would have been more odd if he hadn't. "I need you to care," he snapped back. "I need you to understand what your life means--"

And then the next words hit him, and as their full weight sunk in, he felt the last of the fight drain from him. Of course. Here, Enjolras was happy. Oh, sometimes he had horrible things to deal with. But at the end of the day he still had his place in Eponine's arms. He'd spent so long focusing on his wedding that he didn't even consider that there was one wedding that would never be. That for all of his pushing, he still had the love of his life while Grantaire would never see his again.

He stepped forward, then, bypassing the offending chair and grabbing for Grantaire's arm. "Wait," he said softly. Much more softly than anything he'd said in the last several hours. He reached out then and, in direct defiance of his marble statue title, wrapped his friend in his arms tightly. "I'm sorry," he all but whispered. "I'm so, so sorry, my friend." The emphasis sat on the word friend. Because that was really what Grantaire needed just then. Not the parent that Enjolras was being, or the judge and jury. Just a good friend. One who truly loved him. Maybe if he'd had that so long ago, it wouldn't have come to this.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

vagueambition
2014-09-17 01:54 pm UTC (link)

He didn't want to wait. He didn't want to stay but before he could do much in the way of reacting he was pulled in to a strong embrace. That would have been too much on it's own but then Enjolras spoke. And it wasn't just what he said. It was the way he said it. Like her thrown every second of what had just happened, of yelling in each other's faces out the window. He was acknowledging and accepting what Grantaire had said and that had never been his intention in the first place. But those words broke through the last tenuous hold on his resolve.

One arm lifted, fisted hand pushing against Enjolras' shoulder as though he might of tried pushing him away before his fingers gripped at the material beneath them instead, the first traitorous sob torn from him before he could stop it. How long since he'd even thought about it for this long? He didn't know. He'd been pushing back against thinking about it, against feeling any of it since he'd lost her. And now he had someone else acknowledging it too and he couldn't pretend any more.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The words were barely understood between the stuttered breaths he couldn't get under control and he didn't know who he was apologising to. Enjolras, Adrienne, maybe even himself. He couldn't relinquish the hold he had on his friend even as he tried to stop the tears which had completely taken hold of him.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

decidewhoweare
2014-09-17 02:06 pm UTC (link)

There was one thing he had never seen Grantaire do and that was cry. Even in the depths of his pain and sorrow, he hadn't released this part of himself. Enjolras couldn't help but wonder if it was just him who hadn't seen that. No one wanted to let him down, everyone wanted to be strong because he asked them to. God, what had he become? Who was he that the man he'd considered a brother to him couldn't come to him in his darkest time?

The thought just made him grip more tightly. Clutching him close, lifting a hand to rest against the back of his hair soothingly. In the same manner he might for a child after a nightmare. "Shhh," he murmured. "Let it out. It's all right."

He wasn't going to say he had nothing to be sorry for. He did. They both did and he wouldn't patronize Grantaire that way. He knew as well as anyone what it felt like to think you had apologies to make when the world thought you didn't. Instead he just held him, letting him sob. He didn't have words, for once in his life, because he didn't know what would be right and wrong to say. Because he didn't understand, not truly. Yes, he feared losing Eponine. To this war or to the Seal. But he couldn't truly know what it felt like. He had lost friends, at his own hand, he thought. But he'd survived and moved on and Grantaire couldn't understand moving on. Not yet.

But someday. Someday, maybe he would. If he had help. Support. "We'll get through this," he finally said quietly. "Together. I promise."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

vagueambition
2014-09-17 02:20 pm UTC (link)

It was an impossible mix of comfort and confusion that was brought about by Enjolras reacting that way. It was a stark reminder of how much he had let their friendship change that being able to comfort one another was such a rarity. But that didn't mean he could do anything but selfishly take advantage. He couldn't have stopped had he tried. He didn't even know, or maybe in all the forgotten nights he just couldn't remember, if he had ever cried this way over her.

Eventually though he felt like he had control of his breathing again. He wiped his hand over his cheek as though that made any difference as he lifted his head, stepping back, arms crossing self consciously despite himself. "I didn't mean that," he managed finally though his voice was quiet. "You know I could never begrudge you your happiness and I don't..." He faltered for a moment. "I don't ever want you to understand."

Enjolras deserved his happiness. He'd fought so hard for his beliefs and only lost his friends and then his own life. If anyone was entitled to a second chance it was him. What had Grantaire done, by contrast? He couldn't come up with much. He'd wasted more chances than he could count and lowered anyone's opinion of himself enough that he could hardly expect any sympathy for it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

decidewhoweare
2014-09-17 03:24 pm UTC (link)

Enjolras gave a tiny smile at the protective stance his friend took. As if he hadn't just watched a man's heart ripping open. That was alright, though. They didn't have to talk about it, and it could die between them.

"It's okay for you to want me to be happy and still long for it for yourself," Enjolras reassured. He gave the man a gentle nudge under the chin, as if he were the older of the two. Then he made his way to the couch where he all but collapsed into the cushions. He was exhausted. He hadn't slept well the night before and had been up since dawn looking for Grantaire. He motioned for the other to join him.

"You think I don't know what all you've felt?" he questioned carefully. "I watched you go through it and it scares the hell out of me. This place is unpredictable at best. I've watched couples torn apart. We lost you, Gavroche, even Marius and Cosette. Through that, 'Ponine has been my only constant, and I wake up in a panic most nights, terrified she won't be there. And it's all because I'm scared to death to face what you did." Sighing, he rubbed his temples with his fingers. "I'm sorry. I never considered how all of this would be affecting you."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

vagueambition
2014-09-17 10:36 pm UTC (link)

He really didn't know what to do with this, now. And that was hardly fair on Enjolras, not knowing how to deal with his friends open concern. And it wasn't his friends fault, it was his own inability to deal with the onslaught of emotions. But he sank down to sit beside him on to the couch, elbows resting on his knees and forehead resting on the heels of his palms, fingers sliding in to his hair. Yelling over or not, he was still stupidly hungover. Hell, Enjolras had probably never been that hungover in his life.

Not to mention he couldn't simply pretend what had happened hadn't happened. And he would if he could. But his eyes were still red and he still felt completely exposed, all the feelings he'd buried for so long too close to the surface. "I haven't really thought about it like that for a long time," he confessed. Being happy. Not that he'd spent every day miserable. That was hardly why he drank. If he was a sad drunk it would have been counter productive. No, drinking had become addictive because it had left him feeling better.

"You won't lose her. Not now, it wouldn't be fair." Of course, that was as useless a sentiment as wishing. He didn't think it was particularly fair what had happened to him. But he refused to believe it would happen to his friend. He shook his head at his friends apology, looking at him sideways for only a moment though he didn't lift his head.

"Don't do that. Don't apologise. Everything I said I was...we were just angry. Just...you know I don't blame you and it isn't your fault, anyway." And once he'd slept, once his eye and his hand and everything stopped hurting, he'd be able to do the same. To forget it. Because Enjolras might have seen something he'd kept hidden for a long time, but that didn't mean he was ready to face it. Not when it felt like this.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

decidewhoweare
2014-09-18 03:56 am UTC (link)

"The world cares little for fair, mon ami," Enjolras reminded him with a wry smile. "Particularly this world. If fair was a factor, our friends would be here with us. If fair mattered, it wouldn't have taken you so long ago. It wouldn't take us to places where we can die so merrily." He shrugged his shoulders and leaned back to nestle into the cushions. "I try to face every day as it comes but I can't help knowing it could all change tomorrow."

He sat thoughtfully for a bit. There'd been a lot said but he couldn't help thinking about one thing in particular. "Grantaire... I won't postpone the wedding. Not even for you. That isn't fair to Eponine. But..." The next bit was going to break his heart but he had to do what was right for Grantaire. "If you choose not to attend...if it's too much, I'll understand. I certainly can't blame you for it."

It killed him. A part of him was certain Grantaire had been brought because the Seal knew how badly he needed his friend. If Grantaire chose not to attend, he would have to find a new best man. But if it was better for 'Taire in the end, then that might have to be the way it was.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

vagueambition
2014-09-18 04:53 am UTC (link)

"Yeah," he muttered in agreement without moving from the same spot. "I'm aware of that."

At what Enjolras said next though, he finally lifted his head to look over at him, expression disbelieving. "I know you not five minutes ago all but accused me of being self involved and I am happy to agree, but I really don't see how you think I would miss your wedding for my own selfish reasons. One has nothing to do with the other. And I want to be there. To laugh at you when you say something foolish if nothing else." There was the unwelcome though that Enjolras would prefer he didn't attend, but he let that go. He knew his friend would only feel that way with a repeat of last night. And he thought, hoped, he could avoid anything quite like that again.

Now that he was sitting up he did the same as Enjolras had, sinking back in to the cushions behind him. "I'm sorry. For worrying you. It wasn't what I meant to do I just..." He shrugged again because they both knew already. This was exactly how he'd been dealing with things for a long time now.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

decidewhoweare
2014-09-19 01:36 pm UTC (link)

The sigh of relief was audible as Grantaire's words sunk in. He couldn't imagine not spending the most important day of his life with his best friend. He had a family here and he wanted them around. All of them. "I'm glad," he said quietly, smiling slightly. "I just... I don't want to hurt you. That's never been my intent, not through any of this." He'd already cost him his life. That was more than enough.

"Even if you do only want to come to mock me." He refused though. There would be nothing foolish said because he was not going to risk ruining that day for anything. If nothing else, Eponine deserved a perfect day and he intended to see that she get it.

His expression darkened a bit at the apology but he only shrugged. "I know that wasn't what you meant. I know it wasn't some slight against me. But I do worry. You can't keep running, Grantaire. I'll keep fighting for you, because I won't lose you again, but in the end it's up to you. It's your choice." Which was hard for him. Enjolras didn't like giving up control. But he understood that he didn't get the final say. Short of locking him up as people seemed to think he was, there was nothing he could do but keep being supportive.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

vagueambition
2014-09-19 01:51 pm UTC (link)

He couldn't help but roll his eyes. "It's not going to hurt me. And you haven't. And before you say it, I am not having that argument for the hundredth time. We all chose to be there with you. So stop thinking the things I know you are." Enjolras was many things. And predictable was a big one of those. Or maybe he just knew his friend that well.

"You know you would only be disappointed if I didn't mock you at least once," he replied with the smallest of teasing smiles. But he and Eponine were going to have the day the two of them deserved.

Those words were simply a repeat of the same ones that had been said to him from more than one direction lately. And more than once from his friend. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to find the words to explain himself. "I'm not running." Okay, no. That was a lie. "I mean. It's not that I mean to. It's just not that easy, saying it's a choice. It doesn't always feel like a choice." Or maybe he'd become so accustomed to choosing the easier path it didn't feel like the alternative was even an option any more. "And...I miss her." As though those three words could sum up everything he felt. They didn't come close. And she deserved so much more than any explanation he could give. "I tried, Enjolras. I did."

(Reply to this) (Parent)