InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Miss Europa Disco Dancer"

Bonnie Bennett (littlewitchy) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2014-09-11 15:24:00

Entry tags:

bonnie bennett, kol mikaelson

Who: Bonnie & Kol w/ background Caroline (y'know to keep them from killing one another)
What: Talking about Expression, control, and magics.
When: 9/11
Where: Clinton Lake Outlet Park...PUBLIC/NEUTRAL place!
Warnings: TBD

If Bonnie were being totally honest...trusting Kol to help her through the current control problem she was having was probably the thing she least wanted to do in the world. Bonnie wasn't stupid, though. She knew that she had to do everything she could to actually help herself. That meant both talking to one of the two practically insane original vampires and it meant trusting the other witches, wizards, and various magic users in Lawrence. Between the two different sides....she was sure that something could get figured out.

Maybe part of that was because something had to get figured out or she was a risk to everyone that she cared about. And Bonnie couldn't stand the idea that she could be a danger to her friends. She didn't want to accidentally hurt anybody and that was what was going to happen if she didn't get herself under control; she had no doubt about that.

There was a definite part of Bonnie that blanched at the idea of trusting the magic users of Lawrence, let alone Kol and Klaus, but Caroline trusted them. She just had to remind herself of that. Caroline she could trust, and Caroline could help keep them in line, she hoped. That was why Caroline being a buffer made Bonnie feel a little better. She hated that she had to bother Caroline with it, but it wasn't easy for her to settle into the idea of letting Kol help her. And she was pretty sure that this was going to take some doing.

That was part of the reason that Bonnie was on edge as she sat on the park bench at the park she'd chosen. She'd yet to see anything more than passerby, which was good. They didn't need to be seen or overheard. This was kind of a private matter. And Bonnie wasn't looking forward to dealing with any disappointment. So, she just hoped that this could work out because she wasn't used to failing. She wasn't used to not being the prodigy. Nature magic had come so easily once her grams had actually gotten her started down that road. Expression had been harder, she'd had to work at it, and then she'd been dependent on Shane to help her.

There wasn't a Shane or a Silas anymore, and she couldn't afford to fall down the Expression rabbit hole without their help now; she had people that were counting on her that she had to fight this for, not just herself.

Pulling her sweater's sleeves further down onto her hands, Bonnie leaned back against the bench, leg bouncing with nervous energy. She wasn't looking forward to talking about her spiral out of control. Not only because it was Kol (and he had more than enough reason to screw her over or just not be truly helpful), but because of the fact that nobody really liked to be out of their own control, or at least she assumed nobody did. Her eyes lifted up, nervous energy flowing through her as her heart pounded. She tried to control it, knowing both Caroline and Kol would be able to hear it. And much as she didn't care if Caroline knew, she didn't want to be weak anywhere near Kol.

So, as she waited on him to jump in and get this started, Bonnie focused on her breathing and found her fingers fiddling with the edges of her sleeves. She'd spent the time since she'd initially talked about all of this trying to remember everything about her spiral into loss of control. It had started from the beginning, but had gotten worse from that point as she'd gotten angrier and more emotional. She just hoped that she had all of the details because she had a feeling he was going to need them all and this wasn't going to be pleasant.

(Post a new comment)

itchtokill
2014-09-12 12:20 am UTC (link)

Kol Mikaelson was a lot of things. He was an Original, he was fierce, he was insane. But also, he'd gone through a lot of changes in the last year and couple of months. Things were more different in Lawrence than they had been in a long time. He actually had helped a cause of greater good. And that was weird. But then, it also benefitted him because the world ending would have meant he didn't get to exist anymore, and that was a problem. He had gone on hunts, essentially protecting random citizens, even if it was all behind the veil of an outlet for his rather deeply ingrained need and love for the thrill of a kill. That bit wasn't a lie, but the saving people was a side effect, even if it wasn't the bit he focused on personally.

This situation with Bonnie, though. It was messy, it was complicated, and he had no idea how it would all turn out. He'd never coached anyone back from the edge like this. Vampire training? Easy. Pulling a witch from a teetering edge of a powe explosion? Not so much. None of (...)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-12 12:20 am UTC (link)

the witches he knew that had turned to Expression ever looked back. Why would they? Anything they wanted to do, they could, all that power at their fingertips. It was enticing. But Bonnie was out of sorts, barreling down a path of inevitable self-destruction if something wasn't worked out. Things had happened, screwed with her head, with her emotions, and Expression was a magic that was tied so closely to emotions that the only possible outcome to all that instability was an effect on her magic. And it had, in rather epically terrible ways. She'd even started fires in her sleep. She was cornered, stuck, and she had to seek help from any possible avenue. And right now that avenue had led her to him. It wasn't ideal for either of them, but it was needed. Truth was, Kol was only helping her for Caroline's sake at this point. He didn't like Bonnie he had nothing to gain from this, but...if she didn't get help, she could hurt people, she could hurt Caroline, and that wasn't good for either of them. (...)

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-12 12:20 am UTC (link)

Bonnie had set up a meeting at a park, open, public space, Caroline tagging along to play buffer between them. He wasn't going to do anything to her, but he was supposed it made her feel better, and that was fine. He spotted the pair of them on a bench and walked over, "Hey," he muttered, giving a slight wave. He settled on the ground next to a tree near the bench. "So, it's storytime, yeah?" He asked, producing a pack of cigarettes from his pocket to light one. He didn't feel like bothering with platitudes and he felt like if they kept it strictly business, it would be easier on all of them.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

littlewitchy
2014-09-12 01:11 am UTC (link)

Bonnie tried to just focus and remain calm as Kol made his way over. It wasn't exactly an easy feat. He made her nervous and wary. It wasn't easy to think differently of a murderous, and definitely dangerous, Original vampire. Bonnie didn't trust him. She didn't know how Caroline could, but she did. So, she had to tolerate him, at the least.

Plus, he was trying to help her. And she had to give him a little bit of credit for that. He didn't have to do this. He could have dragged it on and made Caroline beg him to help, but he didn't, so that was something.

"I guess it is storytime." Bonnie repeated, moving her hands so that she wasn't fidgeting anymore and instead wiping her palms on her thighs. She repeated the motion for several long moments before she managed to work herself up to start this talk.

The question was where the hell was she supposed to begin?

"I guess I should start at the beginning.... I used dark magic and it angered the spirits. And I did it one too many times, so the spirits punished my grams, her spirit. So, I stopped, and that left me without magic and useless. And I don't do well being useless, it felt..." Bonnie stopped herself, realizing that she was about to tell a vampire how empty she felt without her magic. No, scratch that, she was about to tell Kol....one of the craziest vampires that she'd ever met.

"Well, it felt empty and like something was missing. And when I went to Whitmore with Elena and Damon I met Shane. He'd taken over my grams' position at the university and he had some of her stuff. That's how he got me to start to let him help. He tried to help me get passed the guilt and fear from what I put my grams through and started to work on Expression. Obviously I didn't completely get over the guilt, but we moved forward.... he tried hypnotism and I guess it worked because I lit a room full of candles even though he only asked me to light one." Bonnie paused. She was trying to be pretty matter-of-fact, but she couldn't keep all of the emotion out of her voice.

"So, I wasn't totally in control from the beginning, but it wasn't as bad." At the time she remembered being both surprised and happy to actually have magic back.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-12 03:18 am UTC (link)

Kol watched her as she tried to work up the nerve to divulge it all to him. He could hear the thud of her heart in her chest, try as she might to keep herself calm, she wasn't, not completely. And he understood it. They had...a history. She had reasons to be wary. And besides that, she was opening herself up to a lot of vulnerability right now. She was taking it a lot better than he would have. Hell, he had issues opening up about certain things to his own damn siblings sometimes, nevermind one of his enemies, the ones that were never supposed to see you weak.

"So, the ancestors cut you off because of how you were using your magic." He nodded, it made sense, they were picky. When a witch didn't conform to their rules, they tended not to take it lightly. Go against them, use their magic against their own, or for too much personal gain and that would be it. He'd seen it several times. The ancestors were damn finicky.

The hesitation was understandable. Again, there was a lot of vulnerability in this (...)

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-12 03:23 am UTC (link)

conversation, it wasn't going to be easy for her and he knew that. And Kol was, on occassion, patient. Feeling empty, though, that he couldn't quite understand on the same level as she was speaking of. He had never been in that position, exactly. "He tricked you, yeah? I mean...did he fully explain it, how messy it is, all that?" He flicked ashes on the ground. "And the guilt...that factored in, you know that now, right? Because of how tightly Expression is tied to your emotions."

He nodded, "So really, you didn't even start off in the right place to be playing with Expression in the first place." That wasn't the best bit of news to hear, but he was glad she was being honest. "Have you worked through that bit since? The guilt, I mean, are you still blaming yourself?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

littlewitchy
2014-09-12 04:05 am UTC (link)

It felt so...strange to have her own actions summed up and offered back to her in such a matter-of-fact way. But it did seem that Kol had the gist of what had happened. So, Bonnie nodded, not even trying to hide the frown that marred her face. Not only did they cut her off for doing something they didn't approve of, but they had forced her into doing things that she didn't actually want to do. She'd done some of the things she had because they had wanted her to, even thought they didn't explain the why.

"Up until that point I'd done what they'd wanted me to, though." Bonnie offered, though her tone conveyed that that hadn't exactly been happily so. He had told her that he needed full disclosure and all the info, so here it was. She was sharing, even if it felt....weird.

Bonnie wasn't exactly relaxing, but she did sit back against the bench and move to lift a leg up so that she could sit on it. "He did trick me. I didn't know what I was getting into really. All he told me was that it was another kind of magic, at first, and it was another way for me to help. I didn't know the risks."

The sad thing was, though, that even if he had laid the risks out....she would have been tempted to do it...and she knew that she would have at the very least seriously considered saying yes. And she even felt guilt, just a tad, for saying that. Maybe Kol didn't understand how empty it felt, but she still remembered. Not being able to call on that magic and not being able to feel the nature around her....it still kind of got to her sometimes, actually.

"I know that now." Bonnie repeated the words, and she did know that now. It would have been better if she'd known that at the time, though. Bonnie nodded, feeling a bit like a bobble head at the moment. Kol was putting pieces together pretty easily, but it was still her life, it was still things that she carried with her and had gone through. He needed to know, though, in order to help.

He had to ask the worst possible question for a Bennett witch, though. Or maybe it was just the worst question for THIS Bennett witch. "The guilt about my grams...a little, but I've heaped on more guilt about other things since then. It's just what I do. I feel like I should solve problems and help my friends and if I fail them in some way...or play a part in people I care about getting killed...." Bonnie gave a vague gesture, feeling like the rest was pretty self explanatory with the 'I blame myself' bit.

She carried the most guilt about her grams, Jeremy, and her father....but her mother was even there a little bit, even though she hadn't died unlike the others.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-12 08:43 pm UTC (link)

"Yeah, that's usually what they want. Abide their rules, their whims and their wishes and you're fine. Buck that authority and they tend to get petty." Which is exactly what it was. Petty, dead witches who couldn't get their way throwing fits at the ones that were still alive. "You were against some of it though, right? Things they asked of you." He'd picked up on that tone in her voice, noticed the frown on her face. Tiny subtle clues, but important ones all the same.

"He didn't offer ir and you didn't bother asking," he couldn't completely keep the judgment out of his voice. Prodigy she was supposed to be, she should have known better, should have asked for every bloody detail. "but would it have mattered? Knowing the risks, do you think you'd have still gone through with it? Or were you desperate enough to do anything to have magic again at that point?" This time though, the judgment was gone from his voice. Back to business, strictly curiosity and piecing things together for their greater purpose. (...)

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-12 08:44 pm UTC (link)

Kol suppressed a groan at that answer. Not only had she just admitted she hadn't entirely worked through one set of guilt, but that there were also multiple other layers of guilt on top of that. Guilt wasn't something he really knew how to work on. He almost never felt it himself, guilt and regret were largely foreign to him. The biggest regret in his life was not staying with his siblings. He should have, it could have made a difference, it could have made all the difference, but they would never know and he couldn't fix it. So he ignored it.

But Bonnie couldn't ignore her guilt the same way he could. Not if she expected her magic to be sorted, at least. "You're going to have to work through all of that," he pointed out, bringing up one of his legs, which were stretched out in front of him, grinding the remnants of his cigarette out on the bottom of his shoe, only just barely glancing up at her as he did.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

littlewitchy
2014-09-12 11:54 pm UTC (link)

Bonnie never would have said it quite the way that Kol was, so...bluntly and well...negative towards the ancestors spirits. She knew that she was supposed to respect them, and she had. She'd listened to them. But she had overstepped her boundaries and they had taken away from her one of the things that had come to mean the most. So, she couldn't even say that he was being unfair....or untrue. "I was against some of the things that I did for them, yes." Bonnie confirmed his question, realizing that he knew, just by the way that he asked the question, as if he were reaffirming it.

Bonnie didn't like the way that he was catching on to what was underneath the surface. She hadn't bothered asking, no, but she had trusted him. He'd taken a position that her grandmother had held....and she'd been naive and stupid. Bonnie could feel her defenses starting to rise at the judgement in his voice; the former semi relaxed position she had changed as she planted both of her feet back onto the ground, giving him a look. It wasn't an outright glare, but it wouldn't be inaccurate to call it a bitchface either. She was getting angry. It'd be a lie to say that she wasn't. What gave Kol Mikaelson the right to judge her, and she definitely felt as if she were being judged. "I thought I could trust him. And the way that he offered it made it seem harmless."

Her voice betrayed her emotion. And if he hadn't caught on by that, then the wind picking up and blowing the air about around them definitely did. Several leaves came falling from the trees around them, flying free. There was a thought, somewhere in the back of her head, that she couldn't place, unsure of it's origins....the thought reminded her that she didn't need this. She didn't need his help. She had magic. She could do whatever she wanted. And it was the mixture of a leaf flying into her, as well as realizing that she could easily cause an original pain, afterall, she'd done it before....that brought her back down to earth, scaring her more than anything else.

Her heart began to pick up, fear hitting her. This was one of the quicker times that she had yanked herself back, but...she hadn't been actually doing much yet. The wind had started because of her emotion...and without her actively deciding to use any magic. It was scary. And a big part of her wanted this to be fixed much faster than it was going so far.

"It would have mattered. I wouldn't have done it. Yeah, I'd have thought about it, but I wouldn't have gone through with it!" Despite the fact that her voice was quiet, there was a fierceness behind her voice. She was a good person. She wouldn't have done it. She wasn't sure if she was convincing herself or him, but a big part of her was sure she could have resisted...even if it'd have been hard.

Bonnie leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and raking her fingers up through her hair. He made working through guilt sound so easy, so matter-of-fact because he didn't understand. He didn't feel things the way that a normal person should, Bonnie figured. And rather than get herself worked up about his inability to understand that it wasn't that easy, Bonnie chose to say nothing.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-13 07:59 pm UTC (link)

He nodded a bit, so far all of this was piecing together easily enough. She was being an open book. He had to admit, he was surprised.He hadn't expected her to open up so easily to him. "What were they making you do? What did you put your foot down over that made them block you?" Kol had a feeling that ultimately, it wouldn't matter not here, because everyone's magic worked the same in Lawrence as it did at home generally, but it might help him understand her reason, her desperation for the turn to Expression.

"Of course he made it sound harmless! That doesn't mean you don't ask questions and grill him to death over--" he shook his head, but before he could brush it off, move past the judgment he was doling out just then, the wind picked up, leaves were falling and his eyes locked on hers. "Bo-nnie," his tone was sing-songy and there was a little smirk hidden somewhere inside of his voice, though it was nowhere to be found in his face. He was amused, even if he shouldn't be. "You didn't mean to (...)

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-13 08:06 pm UTC (link)

do that, did you?" The look on her face as it all died back down was all he needed to confirm that.

"This is all progressing far worse than you think, Bennett. Your magic is controlling you. You're not even thinking about it before it happens. You know where that's going to lead? Someone will say something, something will happen, and you'll be pissed off, and suddenly, something will happen to them. It won't be in your control, you won't have even thought of it or wanted it to happen, but it will. Because with Expression, it's too closely linked. You feel it, your magic basically takes initiative and makes it happen," he snapped his fingers, "like that., without even the conscious decision behind it, Bonnie. That's what makes expression so difficult and so dangerous. If you can't control your emotions, you can't control your magic." He wasn't trying to scare her. Well, he was, but not just for kicks. He needed her to understand the danger of it all.

He heard the thudding in her chest. He was (...)

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-13 08:09 pm UTC (link)

glad that it scared her, actually, That would at least give her something to hold onto, something to make her want to push through and solve this. She needed to be scared. Her control would slip until it consumed her and there may be no coming back after that. Kol knew how it felt, losing grip like that, it was never a good feeling.

The fierceness behind her words about how knowing the consequences would have made all the difference in the world almost sounded like overcompensation. "Who are you trying to convince?" he asked, eyebrows arched at her as he watched her, all nerves and stressed, leaned over on her knees, hands raking through her hair.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

littlewitchy
2014-09-17 05:07 pm UTC (link)

Bonnie hated spilling things to Kol.

She wasn't exactly the most talkative about her problems to begin with, but spilling her problems to someone who was right there on the border between sanity and insanity wasn't exactly a comforting feeling. That wasn't even including the fact that he was, technically speaking, an enemy. Bonnie hadn't let her guards completely down, but her need to figure out and fix her magic was greater than her need to keep away from Kol.

She'd never admit it, but he was smarter than she had realized he was too. He seemed to have an actual understanding about magic. And if it weren't for the fact that the two already had bad blood between them, and the fact that he were a murderous Original, she would have respected him.

"It doesn't matter what I did for them so much as what I did that caused them to cut me off." Bonnie admitted, a frown marring her face. She remembered that they had wanted her to help Alaric turn. And that was just one of the many situations that they had forced her into, there were many times where she'd done what the spirits wanted, so many she couldn't remember all of them. "I helped your brother, for one. And I tried to help Elena using dark magic, to keep her from staying a vampire. I resurrected Jeremy. I helped your brother again. They didn't want me tapping into dark magic or going against them. They would have left Jeremy dead, Elena a vampire, and helping Klaus get out of Tyler's body was just the last straw, I guess."

Bonnie had been very bad at abiding by the spirit's wishes. She'd wanted to do what she wanted to do. That had been part of the appeal of Expression, being able to make her own decisions. She knew why she hadn't asked questions, and it had been stupid. She didn't really need to be told that by him.

And she didn't really need to lose control in front of him, but that was out the window already too. Giving a shake of her head, Bonnie admitted the truth. "No, I didn't mean to do that." Bonnie remained there, leaning against her knees. Her eyes closed as Kol began his lecture. Much as she wished he were lying, she knew that he was telling the truth. She could feel the way that her magic had been reacting. She knew it was a matter of time before it got to that point. Before it got worse. The problem was that the solution to fixing this magical problem....was so hard for her. How was she supposed to control her emotions?

She got the danger. She understood that she was on a slippery slope. She just didn't know where the end was going to be here. She didn't know what was going to happen, how this was going to be fixed, or how she was going to manage this. "Controlling my emotions is easier said than done." The witch muttered before sitting back up, trying to stay both under control as well as project more strength after showing such weakness in front of Kol.

Narrowing her eyes, Bonnie gave a slight shake of her head. He couldn't read her mind. He didn't even really know her. She wouldn't have done it. She wouldn't have chosen to go down this path if she'd known more. "You. Me. I don't know, but I don't think I would have gone through with it, can we move on?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

itchtokill
2014-09-22 06:58 pm UTC (link)

Kol gave a facial shrug at her snippy comment about why she was cut off. He didn't bother pressing on it, because ultimately she was right. It really didn't matter what she was doing, they'd turned on her, cut her off and she'd been desperate. But, then she went on to explain some of it anyway and he nodded.

"Didn't think so." he commented softly. Truth was, he nearly felt for the girl. She didn't know how to gain her control back, she didn't know where this was going to lead or how it would all play out. Took one to know one and Kol could recognize the need she had to be in control of every situation. Being out of control wasn't easy on her. Wasn't easy on anyone. Was just more dangerous because she had such powerful magic at her whim.

He couldn't help the roll of his eyes at what he took as whining, even if she really wasn't. "I never said it'd be easy. You want easy, cut your losses and have someone bind your magic all together." His tone was more flippant than it had been through the rest of the conversation. That just rubbed him the wrong way. She wanted easy? Then she was looking in the wrong direction.

Kol arched an eyebrow at her brush off of his question and shrugged. "I think that for now, that's enough. You need to go to Loki's center, there's practice rooms and the like. You need to see if you can access the nature magic. You'll feel the difference, so you'll know. From there, we can figure out the rest of it. Other than that...I dunno, can I suggest counseling?" As much as it may have sounded like a joke, it wasn't. "There's a woman, Claire Callaghan. Talk to her." He didn't know her personally, only of her, and knew that she was helping Bekah. He'd keep that information to himself, though. He just knew the woman may be able to help her sort through things, and if she could get a handle on all the crap buried beneath the surface she was trying to avoid dealing with, maybe there was a chance she could salvage herself.

(Reply to this) (Parent)