Kol Mikaelson kills for sport. (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} itchtokill) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} wariscoming,@ 2014-07-17 00:38:00 |
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Tuesday night, July 15, 2014; Casa de Blasphemy (aka Crowley's!)
PG-13 (trigger warning; vivid description of a panic attack); Complete
There was literally nothing else he could do anymore.
Kol was numb. Actually, that wasn't entirely true. Kol wished he were numb, because that would be better than dealing with everything he was feeling right now. It had finally happened. The cracks spread throughout this blasted family had finally broken and the shattered remains were falling down around him in every direction. Like shards of glass split into spinters, with no hope of ever returning to the way it was, no hope of ever truly being whole again. It was all more than he knew what to do with.
Oh, he'd thought things had been bad in the past, and maybe they were, but nothing would ever top this. This ultimate discord--breaking apart, pulling away from each other entirely. And all because he'd had to open his fucking mouth. Maybe whatever semblance of okay they'd been playing at was just that--playing, but it was better than this, wasn't it? Better than the family in shambles. The best part of belief was the lie, wasn't it? The lies made things easier, the reality though...that was hard to face. And he'd thought he was doing a good thing by doing it, but he knew now that notion was sorely mistaken. Maybe if Rebekah had been the one to bring it up. Or Nik. Or Caroline. Maybe it would have gone differently, then. But as it were, he was the one, and now he felt like the result rested on his shoulders.
In the past, he ran. When things got tough and crazy and dramatic, Kol just took off for a couple decades or so. Came back when things had calmed down, and when it looked like it was all taking a turn for the worse? He left again. And it had been a cycle for years. A cycle he'd nearly got Bekah to follow him into once. He'd almost had her convinced, they were going to leave that night together, he was finally going to get her away from Nik's control. He'd overheard them, though, and that was why Kol had been daggered for a century. And it was this, along with being treated the way he always had been by Nik, like he was less, that had always burned him. He had always bucked against the control Klaus tried to bare down on him and that had caused a lot of problems between the pair of them. But then...any time anyone did anything remotely perceived as "against" him, Nik overreacted, disowned them, broke a neck, shoved a dagger through the heart of the sibling defying him. People thought it was stupid, the way they all kowtowed to and placated him, but this was why. Because as in any abusive relationship, when you didn't, things were worse. They said he wasn't a father and they were right, he wasn't, but he was so much like the only one they'd ever known. And oh, Nik hated them for that comparison, but it didn't make it any less true.
Stefan was, in a sense, right about how much value Kol placed on Nik's opinion of things, his approval of him. But it wasn't that he exactly sought his approval any more than he did any of his other siblings, but fact was, he already had the approval of the others. It was Nik he'd never really felt accepted by and it had always driven him mad. Even Stefan and Damon, he felt more accepted by than Nik, most of the time. And that bothered him, because it shouldn't be that way, but any time he tried to fix it, it never panned out like it should. Lately it seemed, nothing would play out the way he hoped. Everything just kept backfiring and blowing up right in his face.
Kol had been at Crowley and Anna's steadily recently, hadn't gone back to the house, had only really left to see friends here or there or to see Henrik. And, he supposed, he wouldn't be going anywhere any time soon. Or maybe ever. Maybe he'd just stay here forever, sitting on the couch in a messy heap, never moving or leaving...
What had happened, what had exploded on that post had not, by any means, been Kol's intention. But now, he was at a loss. The biggest loss he'd ever felt and the impossible odds, the bleak way things looked, it all had taken it's toll on him. He had so hoped things could be better here, that they had a chance to start over and be a family like they should have been all along, only to have that hope completely shattered in the course of a year.
He knew it was impossible, he was in too open a space for it to even actually be logical to feel, but he felt suddenly claustrophobic, like everything was closing in around him. And even though it was completely ridiculous because he didn't even need to breathe, Kol felt his chest tighten and his breath shallow and hitch in his throat. He knew beyond any doubt at all that if he had a heartbeat, the sound of it would have been thundering in his ears just then. It was the closest to a panic attack as a vampire could be and he hated it.
It had finally happened. His family had fallen apart, completely and entirely, and he couldn't see a way out, no way that it could ever be fixed. They weren't coming back from this.
He couldn't sit on the couch anymore, though. The room, the house, it was all too small. Which, somewhere in the logical part of his brain he knew was ridiculous because the house was huge and the rooms were spacious, but he wasn't in a logical frame of mind just then. He was the complete opposite and he just couldn't be inside anymore.
He rushed outside, to the back, away from people, away from the walls that were closing in on him. But not away from everything in his head. Not away from the broken family or the problems or anything that was actually causing his panic in the first place.
It was too much, too many thoughts racing through his mind, all defeatist and giving in, giving up. Nik was right and Elijah was still pandering to make everyone happy and Rebekah hadn't even ever said anything at all. Stefan was at his rope's end and who could blame him--Kol had actually apologized to him for being dragged into it all. Caroline and Stefan and Damon all making jokes about puppy training and vervain spray bottles and--
He came to a sudden halt, like he just had nothing left. He was frozen, a statue of anxiety. One, single thought sinking into his mind, spreading throughout his entire body and it just froze him up right on the spot.
Nik was right.
That was the thing that stuck in his mind the most. Nik was fucking right and they were irreparable and they couldn't fix this and--
No, he couldn't be right, he had to be wrong, they were better than this, they--
But look at the way things were now. All the anger, all the fighting, and the broken pieces of what once was a family. He was right. He was right like he was always right and--
Kol was pacing. Head spinning, hands shaking, emotions too high and he couldn't think straight. Couldn't even really see straight but he didn't care. He just had to stay moving, he'd be fine if he could just keep--
This wasn't the way it was supposed to be, it was supposed to be different here, it was a second chance, it was--
But it wasn't different, was it? It was the same as it had always been and he was just a fool for ever thinking it could change. Because Nik was right and--
The fence around the back yard was suddenly too tall and too close and there it was again, panic rising, chest tightening. He had to leave. He had to go. He had to get away from all of this and he had to--
Kol dropped to his knees on the ground and held his head in his hands. And for the first time in he couldn't even remember when, Kol cried. Actually cried. Real tears. Because thee was literally nothing else he could do anymore.