InsaneJournal

It was funny what he thought about. Especially given this was his third pass of the warehouse. They would all be in there, everyone from home. They'd be in there with Simmons and Skye. What did they say about him? How did they view him? Did they just see the lacky? Is that what this had come to now. He walked around this way every night or so. Even he wasn't sure why. He needed to feel close, to feel like they were safe/

To feel like she was safe.

He could hear Garrett now, And he knew it was true. Skye was a weakness. Being here was a weakness. He was failing him. He'd failed him at home.  And he'd never failed him before.

"Make me believe it"

The crack across the jawline had actually jerked his head to the side and Ward had winced, even at the memory of it. Still, he'd turned back to face Garrett eyes focused. Perfectly in character. Gone was theloyal friend to John Garrett and in his place an agent who had had to put down his former S.O. An agent hurt by the betrayal. Shocked that Hydra had returned. Loyal to SHIELD. He'd made him believe it.

"Grant Ward. Agent of SHIELD"

And now he was here, in this crazy messed up world. No SHIELD. No Hydra. He would have been fine if not for the fact his world was a story. If not for the fact that Stark had shown up with some dammed list of names from Maria Hill, And she really did hate him. So now the secret was out and people were saying things, that damn British guy, saying he'd been used. And he knew how it looked, of course he did, he wasn't stupid. And Garrett wasn't incapable of being cruel especially near the end, when that serum had done whatever it had to him. It was in many ways a good thing Skye hadn't been injected with it yet. But crazy aside, Ward was never going to be the one to break that loyalty. Not to a man that had saved him from himself. And so he'd get on with life here. Work for Stark, and wasn't that hillarious. He'd work for Stark and try to make amends with the one person he'd cared about hurting.

"Its not a weakness is it?"

Skye. His beautiful, brilliant, Skye. Who had only ever wanted the truth. Funny how she'd been lying to them same time as he had, Only she'd come clean. Made it better. He hadn't made it easy on her of course. He wondered if that played on her mind too. Because he had tried. He had tried so hard not to fall for her. But ultimately he couldn't stop himself. Still weak. He knew that. Oh he wasn't that scared kid now, but he should have been better than this. He should have been able to get the information out of her using his usual methods. Not declaring love to her, not failing. Not having Peterson be ordered to...

If he thought about it in any real way, it still hurt. Maybe always would.

But she'd saved him. And because she'd saved him.He knew she felt something too. And god, he wanted her to feel the same, for a while there he'd even thought about if he could convince her. If he could just get her alone, he knew he could talk her round.  She had saved him. Even if she did say it was because she wasn't a killer like him. It wasn't just that. Of course it wasn't. On the other hand, that look in her eyes, the smirk when she'd set May on him, calling him a Nazi, a serial killer.  Maybe Raina had been right about them. Even if she was absolutely barking mad.

"Skye detests me, she thinks I'm a monster."
Are you? Is that your true nature, or is that what Garrett made you to be?"
"I don't know."

It was all too complicated. And of course there was Simmons. He was never gonna let them go free. Not given what they'd just done. But when it came to it, when the options were wait it out, override the system and shoot them or give them a possiblity of a chance. He'd given in to weakness again. Because he'd warmed to that team. Fought with them, defended them, saved them even. And all for what? He couldn't be sorry for the choices he'd made. He wasn't going to be the scared little kid, scraping for affection from a family who despised him, tying to stand up to a brother that was more monster than he'd ever be.

Who was he now?

Coulson's words came to mind. Of course they did. The man who he'd been sent in to monitor, the man who had ultimately given him a chance

"You devoted your entire life to a deranged narcissist who never gave a damn about anyone, and now he's dead. You've got the rest of your life to wrestle with the question ... who are you without him?"

Who was he without orders? Without a mission? Without Skye, joking with him, laughing with him. Calling him her robot. Who was he without that team, without Garrett, without anything. He'd spent so long being so many people. And he'd told Skye, he'd told her hoping she'd see it. She wouldn't like the real him. The real him was what he'd spent so long training to be. Or was the real him that boy with the petrol cans and matches. The one that when he'd heard his older brother had been inside had been only sorry he'd surrvived.

Reaching into his pocket he found a lighter. Eyes following the flame as it moved from side to side. He'd been given a chance by Tony Stark. A chance to work for him. Like Hill but far more competant. The angle seemed simple enough, keep an eye on him, but what about Barton. Or the kid. Or Kenzi, or Mercy or anyone else that had talked to him after the fact. Elena, willing to talk to Skye. Damon, offering a chance to release some of the pent up violence on hunts. And all that was left was the question. All that was left was that question...that ridiculous question he'd thought about ever since Coulson had thrown it in his face alongside promises of mental torture. WIth a little bit of physical from the ice queen who clearly couldn't get over being second place to Skye.

Who was he now? What was he now?. Was he even sure?