Caroline shook her head but stopped, trying to figure that out. Was it part of her wish? Everything had gotten incredibly heightened when she’d wished for it, but she thought she’d gotten a handle on it. Though considering her current situation maybe she really hadn’t. Becoming like the rest of them had definitely equaled a depth to her emotions that she hadn’t quite thought possible, but she’d pushed it to the backburner, focusing on everything else that she had to deal with.
“Maybe?” She really didn’t know and didn’t want to guess. “I...cycle through everything. Usually I can control how I react to it, gain mastery over whatever it is that’s trying to pull me down. Ever since I was little I’ve always focused on something else when anything bad tries to drag me down. Like when my dad left I threw myself into cheerleading. When I turned I threw myself into being a good vampire and then helping Tyler with his transition. And then I stumbled for a bit around my birthday but you kinda came in and gave me something new to focus on. Or a few things to focus on. One, being not to fall for you and the other being that I actually wanted to get out of my small town. Plus our lives were always kinda go go go with all the drama.” Like Esther and Finn and Alaric and then the cure.
“I...died and I threw myself into trying to make things okay with everyone when I came back. Like Thanksgiving and then everything else happened, from Lucifer to Rebekah going in the cage to her not being in it to the ball to the wedding. And I could just throw myself into all of those, you know? I could focus on them and the worry over dying didn’t matter anymore. And I know the wish made it so I can’t, not like that again, but…”
She couldn’t look at him then, curled her hands up in the covers and stared out at the wall. “You took away my focus. You took away my control. You all said I couldn’t do anything, that I had to rest and there wasn’t anything to focus on. There wasn’t anything to divert my attention to and my insecurities went into overdrive. And my emotions just kept spiking and then you went off with Damon and I was so angry and I didn’t even understand why I was angry and you called it a strop and maybe it was but it was just...” It’d been too much and she hadn’t been able to breathe, hadn’t been able to function in that house and wanted out.
“But now its all just there. My grief over my dad leaving, the terror and humiliation of being Damon’s human toy, how frightened I was when Katherine smothered me with a pillow, the agony of being tortured by the wolves and Alaric...by my dad, my mom hating me, Bonnie, Tyler biting me….dying here and thinking I’d never see anyone I love ever again. And my insecure self twisting all of the ‘Caroline you need to break’ to ‘Caroline we need a break from you’. That you’d realized I was so not worth it.” She closed her eyes, trying to will her tears back, to will all of the pain and hurt to go away. “It’s just all there and it won’t go away and I feel like I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do to make it okay again.”