Who: James Kirk What: Kirk's thoughts on being a Starfleet captain compared to all the rest and his interactions with Khan both at home and here in Lawrence When: Backdated to Tuesday afternoon, after he started talking to Bo and Jacen and saw Khan's comment in Tahiri's post. Where: The Center's office Warnings: A little language, but not much Status: Complete narrative as is, but open if anyone wants to come talk to him
There were times he really hated opening his mouth on the boards, Kirk thought to himself as he sat in the office, ostensibly looking over some paperwork for Rose. He'd been trying to concentrate on work all morning and afternoon. He was trying to make sure he understood everything and did all his tasks right the first time because Rose deserved nothing less. This Center was her baby and he wanted to make sure it was run right. But right now his thoughts kept drifting back to the two posts he'd been a part of the day before, the one about the lightsabers and his own.
He didn't really talk about the fact that he had seen every episode of every show in what would have been his universe if Nero hadn't fired on the Kelvin, the ones with the other Kirk and Picard and Sico and Janeway and their crews. He'd watched all the movies and he'd even watched the prequel series which was considered history for him. Unlike most people watching them, though, he hadn't watched simply for the entertainment value. He'd been deeply curious about how things were supposed to have gone. Spock Prime didn't talk about any of it for fear of polluting their timestream with what had happened in the other one, and there were times he really hated the older pointy eared bastard for that. But he understood why.
Even though he wasn't a particular fan of the other Kirk he had to admit after talking to Jacen and Bo that he had overreacted. The Kirk he'd gotten in the quiz wasn't him. He didn't have to be that guy. He could be someone people liked and respected and he didn't have to be a manwhore or a cocky arrogant bastard. But that didn't mean he thought he was a better captain than the other Kirk. Ever since he'd finished watching all the other Star Trek shows he realized that compared to all the other captains, even Kirk, he simply wasn't as good as they were.
A lot of it had to do with the whole mess with Khan and Admiral Marcus and all of that. He doubted Picard would have trusted Khan. And he doubted Sisco or Janeway would have, either. He'd made a stupid mistake and it had cost a lot of his crew their lives and it had also cost Carol her father. But everyone made mistakes, even them, and he had to accept that. Jacen had the most valid point in the entire conversation and he knew eventually he'd stop thinking they were all better than him. He had to in order to get past the fact he felt inferior to them all.
The problem was he couldn't escape thinking about that stupid mistake because the man he'd helped get on board the USS Vengeance was walking around in Lawrence same as he was. He'd had three months of not having to think about Khan in any way, shape or form and yet he had anyway. He'd hoped beyond finding out if he was still here they could ignore each other but Khan just wasn't doing that. He understood everyone here got second chances, and Khan shouldn't be any exception. But the fact that the man still knew which goddamn buttons to push to piss him off irritated him. Lydia and Kenzi and everyone else had said to ignore him, and by God he was trying, but then he'd make a comment that Kirk knew had to be directed at him without actually being directed at him and he'd just get pissed all over again. He might be wrong but he assumed that the comment he'd made on Tahiri's post had been a veiled comment against him and his overreaction to getting the other Kirk in the quiz. He'd held back from commenting because it wasn't his post and everyone in town didn't need a repeat of the conversation they'd had where he called Khan delusional. But it was hard.
He sighed and pulled a hand over his face. This was going to be a problem, because both of them had things tying them here and he didn't plan on leaving Lawrence again for that long ever again. Unless the Seal took one of them back home they were going to be stuck in this town for the forseeable future and he was just going to have to accept it and try and deal with it as best he could. But it wouldn't stop him from praying every day that Khan got sent home first, or that he got horribly maimed or killed in some violent way. When he was alone he could have those thoughts, or possibly share them with his close friends. That was fine. Because if he had to pretend he was okay with the arrogant bastard being here he should at least be allowed his dark fantasies. And with that final thought in his head he tried his absolute best to get back to the task at hand. There was work to do and it wasn't going to get done if he didn't concentrate on it.