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Kol Mikaelson kills for sport. (itchtokill) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2014-03-22 21:44:00

Entry tags:

kol mikaelson, niklaus mikaelson

Kol Mikaelson [open to Niklaus Mikaelson]; Processing
Saturday, March 22, 2014, after everyone is aged properly again; Front steps of Mikaelson Manor
PGish (no real warnings, just angst and processing); Complete

The whole thing just felt so circular and Kol felt stuck.

Kol had been suddenly thrown into the position of the oldest for the last several days and now that everyone was back to normal again, he finally had a chance to truly allow himself to try and process it all, instead of just freaking out at anyone that would listen for two seconds and immediately plastering on the fake smile for his younger siblings. He was older, he was the one they'd turn to, he had to keep it together for their sake. He had garnered a greater appreciation for Elijah's role of oldest. He wasn't sure how his brother managed it, if he were being completely honest. Elijah kept himself so calm and together, in the worst of situations and had done it for centuries, and Kol had barely managed to keep a brave face for his suddenly much younger siblings for a mere few days. How did Elijah do it? He had no idea, but Kol was actually glad he was in the middle because anything above that had only proven quite well in the last couple of days to be too much for him to handle.

Of course, maybe it wasn't simply being thrust into being the oldest that had frazzled him so much. It was the things the tiny versions of his siblings were saying. The guilt Elijah felt that Kol had always sort of known his older brother carried, but never truly realized how very prominent a feeling it was for him. Rebekah's fierce protective streak, especially of Nik, and the way the two of them had just been so...protective of each other, the way it used to be, the way it was supposed to be. But more than any of them, the younger version of Nik was the one that had gotten to Kol the most. And he would admit he felt a bit ridiculous reacting the way he had, but he couldn't help it. Nik was the one he had so desperately vyed attention from, acceptance, love, for so long. And hearing all of those things from him, as well as knowing how quickly it would all disappear back to the paranoid mask of cruelty, it had just been too much.

He practically fell apart talking to Crowley, Caroline, Rose, even Anna had seen a bit more of that than he'd have wanted. Crowley was never the best in those situations and Kol didn't fault him for it, he wasn't really any good at them himself and distractions were usually the best offer. Anna helped, at least a bit, by simply giving him some scrap of hope that this may help when they all turned the right ages again. Oh, how he hoped she was right. Rose was empathetic and Caroline... He and Caroline always ended up in the same place in these discussions, opposing sides, neither exactly wrong or right and neither able to properly see the situation from the other's point of view. She got all the things he so wanted from Nik and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't jealous of that. It was so easy for Nik to show her that side of him and yet he couldn't do the same for the rest of his family. But then she wasn't wrong that Kol expected too much, either. He knew he did, but he wasn't sure how he could expect anything different. To be trusted as an equal hardly seemed an unfair expectation from his own brother. But a person doesn't get to ignore the past just because a few things in the present are different. The mercy and control Nik had shown during his time in Lawrence didn't change every wrongdoing done to him before. The whole thing just felt so...circular and Kol felt stuck.

He wanted to talk to Nik about it. About what the younger him had said. He wanted to know if he still felt that way. He wanted to know if it really was as impossible as his older brother seemed to think for him to get some piece of that part of him back again. Was Kol just a fool for hoping it was possible? Probably. But was it really so wrong of him to miss that part of Nik? To want to actually hear the words that proved beyond anything else that his brother truly cared?

Kol let out a sigh as he dropped onto the top step on the front porch of the Mikaelson home, knees drawn up halfway toward his chest as he just sat there, staring out at nothing and thinking things through.

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humanitytorn
2014-04-01 09:47 am UTC (link)

He'd hated the thought of people seeing that side of him, that weak scared little boy, so desperately lost and wishing only to escape his father. He'd had to make himself strong. He'd had to fight for everything he'd had, everything he had built. And people had seen the scared boy. Oh he remembered it, remembered being him. And remembered of course what the reactions had been. Elijah's guilt, Rebekah reminicing and Kol, well, Kol had probably missed that boy most of all. And refused above all of them to believe that boy had died long ago.

He'd gone looking for his brother, knowing he should probably talk to him, talk it through, much as talks with Kol always got complicated. His brother resented what he'd become, chided under his control and it had gotten him locked in a box more than once.

He found Kol quickly enough, on the steps outside the front door. Staring into nothingness, lost to his thoughts.

"Go on then, ask. Is that boy gone forever. Do I still mean what he said, do I still remember how idealistic and hopeful he was? Its been burning at you for a while hasn't it."

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itchtokill
2014-04-01 11:46 am UTC (link)

A twitch of a smirk tugged at the corner of Kol's mouth when his brother's voice came from behind him. Nik knew him so well, he didn't even have to ask. It was annoying and frustrating sometimes, but also it had its uses. "Yeah," he nodded, "I guess it has." More than he'd maybe acknowledged before, honestly.

Kol hesitated for a moment before he finally turned to look at his brother, trying to figure out exactly how to say what he wanted to say. "Is it really true that it's just...gone? I mean, I know we can't ever be what we were before, none of can, not exactly, but is it really so impossible to think, to hope we could be better than the mess our family has become?"

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humanitytorn
2014-04-01 11:59 am UTC (link)

Nik leaned against a railing that ran along the top step and shrugged. He knew what answer Kol wanted to hear, of course he did, but he wasn't here to lie to his brother. He was so far from that boy now, so far from the idealism, the hope. He didn't know that he could ever be that again. "I think so yes. Gone. Because that boy, he was weak, and scared, and I had to learn very quickly when we were turned and I was cursed how not to be. Because losing Henrik, discovering what I was, and well, Mikael and our mother. It took its toll on all of us. But I do still care about you all, even if you don't believe it in how I show it."

Klaus shook his head, moving to sit down beside his brother so he didn't have to strain to see him.

"Why should we be better, if we are a mess it is because of the choices made. You, you've chosen well. Its clear Crowley cares about you even if he's not sure how, its also clear that Rosemarie does, bless her. But that's besides the point. Caroline is practically one of us, even Stefan annoys me less frequantly. Katerina I'm afraid will always be Elijah's greatest mistake but I believe the fact she lives is proof that I'm trying to ensure our happiness here. And I know, you want more than that from me. You want that boy back. I'll tell you something only Caroline knows, the closest you'll get to him, to a time before, its when I paint. And I wouldn't be adverse if you wanted to sit with me in those times now and again. Talk to me. I'm afraid its the best I can offer little brother.!

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itchtokill
2014-04-01 05:39 pm UTC (link)

As much as he wanted to argue it, that he was simply a child and that didn't mean he was weak, Kol didn't bother. Not this time. Because he was tired of arguing and he didn't feel up to it. Especially not right now. "It did, yeah. It took a toll, a big one on all of us." he agreed, nodding a bit. "It's just...it's hard to remember that sometimes, given the way you treat us."

"Don't you ever get tired of it?" Kol asked, tilting his head slightly to look at him. "The fighting, I mean." He couldn't believe Nik actually enjoyed it any more than they did. It all took a toll on them as much as anything else they'd been through had, really. "You have. You've done a lot here, made changes, been different. And I know I shouldn't want more than that, I should ask for that because there's only so much you can do, so much you can give before you're stretched too thin and you just snap. But I can't just turn that off, wanting that from you. And I wish I could, I do, because it's not fair." And at least he realized he was kind of out of line asking for more from him all the time. That had to count for something.

"I dunno if you realize it really, but...you're always the one I looked up to. So I guess that's a lot to do with why I want the confirmation, to actually hear from you that you care. But I guess maybe you believed I didn't, because I was always gone and there and gone again, but I was never abandoning you, Nik. All the traveling I did, when I was with the witches, I wasn't never going to be gone forever. I wouldn't do that to you. To any of you. I love you."

"Really?" Kol let a hint of a smile grace his features for a moment at the little indulgence about Nik's painting. "Yeah, I think I'd like that."

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humanitytorn
2014-04-02 01:41 pm UTC (link)

The way he treated them. Of course it would be that. The daggering, the way he was oh so like their monster of a father, so much so he didn't even see it himself. He normally would have lashed out, gotten defensive, but there was little point. Kol was as tired of it as he was, and yes, he did tire of it. Which meant they needed to listen to him, heed his words, trust that he above all knew what was best for them.

"And if I were to snap, then what? If you all ask for one mercy too many. Because Kol if you do not see what I have done as trying then you ask too much from me. Katerina, Rosemarie, Stefan. Allowing Rebekah her freedom. And yes, I know how it sounds. But I keep you close because I have to. Because to keep that promise we made so long ago then I need to do that. Do you understand, at all? Do you see how much you push me. I'm not the good brother, the kind brother. But I am the one that gets things done when they need to be. So either accept that or..."

Looked up to him. He didn't quite see how that made sense. Kol had chafed against his control more than any of the others. Ran to the East, then to witches, then as far away as he could often get. "Honestly brother I thought perhaps you wanted to be me. And you couldn't stay because you knew you couldn't be. Because you resented me. I didn't for a second believe you looked up to me. I wasn't much to look up to in mortal life."

"You can be there while I paint, we can talk. Beyond that, please, just stop pushing. You know where it will end, daggers or none. And neither of us want that."

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itchtokill
2014-04-02 06:11 pm UTC (link)

Kol supposed it would always come back to that. This argument would never change because of it, either. Which was why he was trying to stop from having it. Because it never went anywhere and only caused more than it solved. That issue had been run into the ground and what else was left for anyone to do about it anyway?

"I don't know," he said honestly, eyes dropping to the ground as he admitted that. He really wasn't sure what would happen if Nik ever truly lost it. He knew others' reactions. They'd rally against him, enforce any contingencies they had and Ruby would probably be at the helm of it all, ten kinds of smug as she did it. But what would it mean for them, for the family, if he was pushed too far, asked for one favor too many? Kol thought about it sometimes, but he never came up with an answer he liked the sound of. "You are who you are, and I shouldn't try to change that. I'm trying. I swear, I am, Nik, even if it doesn't seem like it."

"I did, kind of. I wanted to show you up, show you that you weren't always the one to be on top. Mostly I wanted to be noticed, to not be in your shadow. But it was in all of that, that I was practically idolizing you."

"I know," he nodded at the comment about where it would end. They all knew. One way or another, there was only one place for it to go. "I'm sorry."

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humanitytorn
2014-04-03 12:37 pm UTC (link)

But he was trying to change him. They all were, in some ways Kol most of all. He'd never believed that Kol idolized him but it seemed that he had, that all those times he'd gone against him were trying to prove something to him. It was complicated, but then that was their life. Their family was twisted, he knew that, they hurt each other, they did terrible things, all of them and the concept of morality to them after a thousand years was something quite skewed.

"Contrary to popular belief. I'm trying. More than I expect anyone has seen in centuries. You're all here, all the ones I care about anyway. Henrik is here and he deserves better than us. And Caroline, she's a light in my life that I have never had. But she doesn't try to shape me into someone I'm not. Maybe, I don't know, maybe I am actually the psychopath they all think I am. Life shapes what you become does it not? And for the record Kol. I did notice you. And I never stopped loving any of you."

But yes, ultimately, they were damaged. All of them.

"Me too. But perhaps we can be happy here, all of us. I would like that"

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itchtokill
2014-04-03 06:45 pm UTC (link)

"I know you are," he said quietly. And he had seen it, in so many ways. So why did he still ask for more? Kol wasn't sure. But he knew that had to stop, and it would because he refused to be the reason his brother lost all the progress he'd made, to be the one that made him prove the rest of Lawrence right about him, and the rest of them by default association. "He does, but...we're what he has. And I think Henrik's okay with that." At least, Kol hoped he was.

He nodded at his comment about Caroline, and to the one about life shaping people. "It does, for all of us. Maybe it can be different here." If they could all just stop arguing every five seconds, but sometimes Kol wondered if they were capable of more than that. Somewhere, deep down, he felt they were, but there was so much to get through before they found that kind of peace that it just felt like it would never happen. "I love you too, Nik. Always and forever, right?" It sounded so ridiculous sometimes, but it was what it was, a promise when they had been spelled into their immortality. One they all had gone to ridiculous lengths to keep, under any circumstance.

"I think we can. For once." Kol agreed, nodding slowly, "I really do."

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