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Tweak says, "It's not the size that matters"

Tahiri Veila knows the price of pain (hrosha_gul) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2013-10-24 12:01:00

Entry tags:

jacen solo, tahiri veila

WHO: Tahiri Veila and Jacen Solo
WHAT: There’s some news. It’s dramatic
WHEN: Thursday morning
WHERE: Their place
RATING: TBD
STATUS: In Progress
[Cut lyrics: With Arms Wide Open by Creed]

At first she had put her tiredness down to the strain of using so much of her power, so little sleep, the stress of Lawrence since the explosion. Then, when the nausea started, Tahiri assumed it was the poor diet of the past few days, grabbing food as and when there was time, mostly junk food at that. And then she had glanced at the date, just reading the papers.

Such a random thing really. But with the days and nights blurring together, the fact it was into the last couple of weeks of October had made her pause. A couple of weeks since the explosion. Which meant she was late. More than a week late, in fact. Tahiri had even panicked a little, instinctively shutting down in the Force and hiding herself away as she frantically checked the calendar over and over again. Because the dates had to be wrong, she was never late, it was all fine, it had to be.

Denial had been her default state for a few days now, hiding away in the Force, hoping Jacen wouldn’t notice, wouldn’t ask, would be too distracted by everything going on to pay much attention to her. If his suspicions had been raised, he hadn’t said anything, not even when she had asked for the distractions she offered to be gentler than normal. Purely because she was tired. Nothing else. Obviously. It was all fine, completely fine.

But the days passed. And nothing changed, not the tiredness, not the nausea, none of it. And her panic grew, the emotional guards around herself getting tighter and tighter, until finally she gave up. On Earth, in this world, there were tests, simple tests that could be done, and she could put her mind at ease and Jacen never needed to know that anything had been wrong. It wasn’t difficult to get a couple of hours to herself, waiting until Jacen went out for a bit, checking on the various things he needed to keep on top of. And while Tahiri didn’t know exactly when he would be back, she had to hope it would be long enough. Getting to the shop was not problem, even if the different tests on offer were highly confusing. She had stared blankly at them for several long moments before she just grabbed one of each and paid in a hurry, just wanting to get out of there, get the job done with.

Easier planned than done. Once home, she locked herself in the bathroom, sitting on the floor and staring at the array of boxes laid out in front of her. Minutes ticked by as she just sat there, telling herself to just get up, get it done, find out.

It wasn’t until a new wave of nausea swelled up and she suddenly had to lurch forwards and throw up in the toilet that she actually did move. Her hand shaking as she reached for some water, rinsing the bitter taste from her mouth.

Fine, okay, standing up, so she might as well get on with it. She reached out blindly, just grabbing the nearest of the boxes, getting on with the test. The two minutes to get the result felt like forever, but then she was just staring at it in shocked terror.

Maybe that one had been the cheap one. Yes, she was sure that was the cheap one. So she went for all the boxes, doing each test, working her way up this time, to the most expensive brand, the one that claimed the most accuracy.

They all said the same thing.

Tahiri gripped the plastic stick with a growing sickness that was completely different from the nausea. Slowly, oh so slowly, she closed her eyes and focused inwards, tentatively reaching out in the Force, not for Jacen, as she so instinctively did. No, as far as any other psychic or Force user was concerned, she was hidden. No, she was reaching out with her senses to her own body, something she so rarely did, not since the days of being Shaped, when her body ceased to be utterly her own.

And there it was. Right then, she knew, knew that the tests weren’t lying to her, weren’t wrong.

Deep breaths. Long and slow, deep breaths. She was almost on autopilot as she tidied the bathroom, taking only the last test with her and calmly placing it on the nightstand by her side of the bed, hidden slightly behind her lamp. And then she sat on the bed and reached for her phone. The message she sent to Jacen was simple.

We need to talk. I’m in the bedroom. It’s important.

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jeditraitor
2013-10-24 07:46 am UTC (link)

Jacen was focused. Everything he was right now was foucused on this fight. On stopping the threat. He had not given himself to the Dark Side though, mearly become what he always was supposed to be. The stratagist, the leader, the tactician. His mind swam with contingincies. Battle outcomes. He could see it, so many varied endings for this fight. So many trigger points and it all came back to Detroit. He didn't know the city, didn't know its significance but it was a battle ground. He couldn't put into words why, only that it would turn the tide, one way or the other.

He'd been kind of harsh with Tahiri lately. Using her to distract himself when things got overwhelming. Less time for talking, for anything resembling a date, if that even was a thing that was happening. No, he'd let her help him clear his mind now and again. A beautiful calm blankness that enabled him to relax. She gave him that for a while and then the plans returned in force.

So when she texted him he decided he would be nicer to her today. Maybe make her something for lunch. Maybe talk, actually talk. Though inviting him to talk in the bedroom was hardly conducive to this as a plan. Really it would be her fault if he got distracted. He pushed open the door and finally at that moment realised what was wrong. He couldn't sense her in the Force. She'd shut down. More than that she'd shut down to him. Something was wrong and he couldn't figure her out. He hated that. "Tahiri?" he asked simply. "You said we needed to talk, is something wrong? Has something happened. Is it Jaina?"

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hrosha_gul
2013-10-24 08:07 am UTC (link)

In the very few minutes it actually took him to get to the house, to the bedroom, Tahiri went through an emotional roller-coaster. While outwardly she remained steady on the bed, inside her mind was racing, part of her even being tempted to run away, to message him again and say it didn't matter, that everything was fine, that she'd see him later. To run away and not look back. As if that would even work, Jacen would find her. And the longer she left things, the worse it would be.

Even if she was utterly terrified.

Could she do this? Really do it?

Did she actually have a choice?

The mental shields around herself remained as tight as ever when she heard him coming in, up the stairs. And inwardly she kicked herself when he mentioned his twin.

"It's not Jaina, I haven't heard anything about her, sorry, I should have said that in the message." Stupid, Tahiri, stupid. Of course Jacen was going to be worried about Jaina.

The blonde stood up slowly, her movements hesitant as she stepped towards him.

"Jacen, I'm..." The words choked in her throat and she forced herself to take a very deep breath. Just say it, just say that word, get it out there, let him know. Shakily, she raised her gaze to meet his, and opened herself out in the Force again, letting him in once more.

"I'm pregnant."

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jeditraitor
2013-10-24 08:27 am UTC (link)

The words, when they finally came seemed not to register for a minute or two but they had. In those tense couple of minutes Jacen reached out with the Force, sensed Tahiri, her presence, her essence, and then... There was more there of course, another little life, barely formed, barely on the edge of anything at all but there. Which meant it was true, which meant that once again unplanned...It had been unplanned hadn't it. Tenel Ka had planned of course, one night being very useful. Tahiri wouldn't have. She couldn't have thought about this because he'd have known, because of course he'd have known.

She was pregnant. Another Solo. Another to carry on the legacy of his litany of failures, his parents failings as care givers, his grandfathers well documented history of parenting. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't let himself love another child because he had nearly torn a galaxy apart to keep Allana safe and everything had fallen apart. He searched in the Force, millions of new possibilities adding themselves to the list of ways that this could go wrong and that he could lose himself in trying to make this hellish world safe for a child. Taking a few steps back however, and remembering that powerful as he was, that whole breathing thing was really quite useful, he finally spoke.

"I see."

Simple. Not helpful. Of course not. He didn't know how to be helpful right now. They should have thought, they should have planned. They did plan, didn't they? Mostly. Except he supposed on the rare occasions when perhaps he'd been a little too vigirous with her and maybe they hadn't thought about what that might do to any such...methods.

He wanted to ask her if she planned to keep it. But that was ridiculous. She would. He couldn't allow anything else, in spite of his own reservations about becoming attached, he was still connected to it, the little ball of cells already visible in the Force, though barely. Most likely only to them.

"How long have you known? I expect that's why you shut down. I hate to ask it but given previous and all that...you didn't plan this did you? You wouldn't do that. Not to me."

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hrosha_gul
2013-10-24 08:42 am UTC (link)

As he stepped back, so did she, slightly shaky as she sat back down on the bed, even grabbing a pillow to hug to herself, some sort of comfort in a really terrifying situation. Though her gaze snapped up at his question, with a flare of defiance in her eyes.

"Of course I didn't plan this. I'm not stupid enough to plan a..." she couldn't use the words. Baby. Child. "This in the middle of an apocalypse, and I would never do that to you. Never." Because she wasn't her. She wasn't Tenel Ka, manipulating her way into Jacen's bed, and making something happen like that. While Tahiri would do anything to protect Allana, she had her own opinions on the circumstances of her conception.

The other question was both harder and easier to answer. "A few days ago I realized I was late, that I'd lost track of the weeks and I figured it was just down to all the stress and stuff and I tried to tell myself I was being paranoid, so I took that test thing this morning." She gestured towards the half hidden white stick on the bedside table. "Actually, I took a few tests. And they all said the same thing and then I texted you."

She hadn't hidden anything. She hadn't. Pushing down her fears wasn't the same, she wasn't like Tenal Ka, surrounded by secrets and lies all the time, even to the man she had claimed to love.

"I don't know.... I mean I'm not sure... I just..." she half laughed with an irritated tone. "I can't seem to form sentences any more. I'm sorry, Jacen. I know this isn't what we wanted." Unconsciously she hugged the pillow tighter to herself, arms wrapped around her body, around where the tiny life was just starting to form.

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jeditraitor
2013-10-24 09:03 am UTC (link)

He should really be comforting her at this point. Hugging her, telling her it would all be okay because wasn't that what people did? He didn't know. Despite having a child he'd never known this part. The part where you were told, where you dealt with it, even the birth had been something he'd had no part in. He knew only when Allana was older and that fact still jarred at him much as he in some ways understood why she'd hidden it from him, from the world.

Hapans and their secrets and their lies and as much as Tenel Ka had tried to be different, dealing in that world, given her Dathomiri heritage, she'd kept it from him. Tahiri wouldn't lie to him, truth be told he wasn't sure she knew how to lie to him, proficciant as he'd made her in the art of deception. But kriffing hell they were hardly normal. How could they bring a child into this...whatever they were.

"You did right, telling me now, hiding it from me. I wouldn't have reacted well. Not that this is the most steller reaction a man has ever had to being told this but its better than the alternatives, believe me."

He was so not ready for this.

"Its not but its happened. And I won't lie. Every instinct I have is telling me to find a way to end this war, whatever way I can, even the less pleasent alternatives. But I know where that path leads now and so I will need you to steady me on it. And as to what you need...we're doing this, aren't we?" he said, a question which he had to admit was hardly a question. Ultimatly yes, it was her decision but he very much doubted it was something she'd thought about.

They'd probably have to attempt normalcy.

He wasn't entirely sure he remembered what that meant anymore. If he ever had.

"

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hrosha_gul
2013-10-24 09:17 am UTC (link)

Oh, it was true, there had probably been many reactions in the history of time far better than this one. But Tahiri had to give a half smirk at his comment. "Truth be told, I was fearing far worse, so this," she waved a hand vaguely in his direction. "This is fine. Definitely better than alternatives."

Nothing had exploded, so that was definitely a plus.

Still, she glared at him slightly, one eyebrow pointedly arched. "Jacen, if we're doing this, which I guess we are because I don't think we have a choice otherwise, I am not doing it alone, so don't you kriffing dare go and explode this war and yourself in the process to end it." Because she'd seen that path too. What he had done to keep Allana safe. And she couldn't judge him, she wouldn't, but the idea of him doing that all over again did scare her.

"I'll never stop you being what you are, never make you fight yourself, you know that," her voice softened slightly. "But I need you right now. We're doing this together and that does mean you need to be alive. I need you to be alive." Not lost to the war, not lost to the Dark Side, not lost at all. "I mean I am absolutely terrified right now, so let's just all take a few breaths because I have no idea what I'm doing."

This wasn't normal. They weren't normal. They were so far from a normal couple, with normal wants and fears. Technically, she was still the mistress, his apprentice. And while she did, really, love Jacen, it wasn't the simple love, the easy to define love that other couples had. They were hardly the most stable environment for a child, even aside from the Apocalypse, but what other choice did they have?

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jeditraitor
2013-10-24 09:50 am UTC (link)

"You entirely expected something would explode didn't you?" he asked her with the barest hint of a Solo smirk. He was not okay. In no streach of any imagination was he okay. But he could deal with this. He had to deal with this, even with the glarey apprentice informing him under no circumstances was he to make things worse with the war just so he could bring it to its conclusion. "Look, the end of this is coming soon. I've seen it, its vauge and its ever changing but its going to happen and its going to happen in a place called Detroit. I'm not sure what that means or anything but...there it is. So we'll see it through. Or more to the point I will. You'll be hapilly living in a bubble. It'll be a nice bubble. Good views of the wider world."

He was only half kidding about the bubble. Tahiri as far as he was concerned was benched now and would remain that way for the forseeable. He would not risk her before, he certainly wouldn't do so now. Espeically as apparently she needed him. Funny thing of course was that they weren't 'in love', they never had been, not really. They were just, them. Darker than the norm, with overtones that most people would chalk up to Jacen being more controlling than most but then it worked for them. And Tahiri had always consented to being what she was to him.

"We'll work this out. We have to work this out. I think very much that we have a lot to talk about. But right now I'd like to know how you are besides terrified, cause that part I can't even begin to help with. But I will be here. I'm not going anywhere"

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hrosha_gul
2013-10-24 10:18 am UTC (link)

"Maybe a little explosion," she returned the hint of a smirk with one of her own, because really, they knew each other far too well. Tahiri didn't question how Jacen knew the end would be soon, how crucial Detroit would be. If he had seen it, that would be what would happen. As much as the future was ever changing, shifting, adapting, Tahiri had complete faith in his ability to see what was coming next.

But really.

"A bubble?" She stared at him, because while he might have been kidding about the literal bubble, she knew enough to know he wasn't kidding about the principle behind it. "Now, I'm definitely planning on staying far far away from this Detroit place, if that's somehow key to things, but I am not the bubble type, as you well know." She didn't hide. Didn't run. And okay, while she wasn't going to rush into anything risky, that didn't mean she was done either.

Still, he was reassuring, even if he didn't think so. His belief that they would work things out, because they had to. And his question was a place to start with that. "Tired, mostly. Not sleepy, more than drained of energy feeling. A bit queasy sometimes. I'd put it down to crappy diet and sleep patterns over the past few days, but I guess it's not that." No, these were the symptoms of being pregnant. Weren't they? Tahiri frowned, looking momentarily confused. "Am I going to have to look up all the symptom things now? And people talk about it being all uncomfortable and painful, but this is me, and well, Vong and all, but what if that means I miss something important? Jacen, they don't have a guide book on how a half Vong, Shaped, Jedi, Sith person whatever is supposed to do during this kind of situation."

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jeditraitor
2013-10-24 10:50 am UTC (link)

She was going to be infuriating about this. But he could be stubborn too. "My mother did it, ran into battle all through our childhoods, and look what kriffing examples we turned out to be to the world. I'm not saying you have to stop being you, just don't be her, or Mara or even Tenel Ka, leaving Allana with nanny droids or her cousins. I'm not saying it was bad, they made the best of it, but you don't have to. I'll make sure you have everything you want here. I'm just not letting that child grow up without at least one of us being around."

It was something he never really went into too deeply, not even around her, but his childhood, while happy had been fractured. It had been one of the things that had made him react to the world as he had when Allana was revealed to him as his. He didn't want her having the childhood he'd had. It seemed he'd failed on that too though.

"I want you promise me you'll be careful." he told her finally, sitting down beside her, eyes meeting her own. "Promise me you'll let me keep you safe."

Tired. Of course she would be. It would also be why she had asked him to take it easy on her. There he'd been not caring much about the toll it was taking on her because he'd needed it, because he'd needed her and her distractions and yet this. All of this. He hadn't known. "Take it easy then, relax, don't push yourself. As for the rest, well I suppose we'll need a doctor. I'd suggest Tam but I suspect he thinks I'm evil. Jones too actually. We could be new and different and attend a hospital but I'm not sure what a Force Sensitive child would bring out on their scans. Would it even be different? We'll keep checking up, even if you feel something that seems like nothing to us, just keep it in mind?"

And beyond that...

Beyond that Jacen didn't honestly know what to do or how to feel other than decidedly stunned. Wasn't this the point he was supposed to find a bar and consider it his new home? It didn't seem like the worst idea in the world.

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hrosha_gul
2013-10-24 11:02 am UTC (link)

She'd never really heard him mention his childhood, but then he hadn't had to. And besides, for much of it, she had been there. With Anakin. Seeing the troubles that came with being the child of the Solos. And then Ben. And Allana. "I'm not them," her tone was soft but insistent. "I'm not your mother or your aunt or..." There was a catch in her voice before Tahiri made herself say the name. "Tenel Ka." So stupid, that she always hesitated to say her name, but Tahiri suspected that she always would. Allana's was easy to say, Jacen's wife was not.

"I promise you, I will always be careful, I just also promise I'm not going to stop being me. I won't hide away, I have something worth protecting now." And it was true, as scary as that was. This child, such a new concept, was already something she would do anything to protect. "And I won't do what she did. I won't push you away." She reached out and took his hand, only hesitating slightly. "We'll do this together and we'll make it work."

She didn't blame him, not even a little bit, for how he had been the past few days. He hadn't known, and there had been so much going on. He'd needed her, and she did intend to still be there for him in that way, even if they would have to, well, adjust slightly, given the new circumstances. "Relaxing I can at least learn how to do," she offered a half smile. "And you're right, we should at least talk to a doctor who is aware of what we are. Would Tam have that much of an issue? Really? I can always very sharply correct his misconceptions about you, if need be." Because really, evil, such a narrow term.

"Are you okay?" Her question was tentative. "I mean I know this is definitely not what you were expecting when I texted you."

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jeditraitor
2013-10-27 03:28 pm UTC (link)

The mention of his wife did bring him pause. It wasn't that he had stopped loving the Hapan Queen, far from it. But time, the seal and his past had changed things. She had never quite accepted the side of him that Tahiri understood and likely she never would. It was just something he had come to terms with. "I know you're not her." he said simply, tensing slightly, at least until she took his hand. He would be there for her of course, and some things would have to change. He knew that too much as it would take some getting used to for him. For them both if he was honest.

"You'll be careful. I won't let anything happen you. Either of you." He'd find them a doctor, he'd work everything out. And he'd keep them safe whatever it took. Well, more or less whatever it took. Probably not start a war. He suspected Tahiri wouldn't take it well.

As for how he was, he knew very well that she was worried how he'd react, what he'd do, and honestly, he wasn't entirely okay with the news yet. It would take him time. His Force presence was focused but very much conflicted. But he would be there for her. He didn't want anything to change and he didn't want to become his parents.

"I will be. I won't deny it was a shock. I expect it was for you also. But I'll figure it out, we will figure it out."

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hrosha_gul
2013-10-27 03:49 pm UTC (link)

Tenel Ka was like the proverbial Bantha in the room, the one Tahiri never liked to talk about. When Jacen had felt the pain of her loss, Tahiri had hurt with him, but in her own mind she had to admit that a part of her, the selfish part, was relieved when the Hapan had gone. Tenel Ka had never trusted her, and really had had good reasons not to. The fear, for lack of a better term, was always that she would return and Tahiri would be cast aside, back to the apprentice rather than the lover. Perhaps even less than that, were Tenel Ka ever to find out how deep the relationship was. Now, it seemed, things were even more complicated, with a child to be in the mix a mere months down the line. "Good." Good because she so very much wasn't her, good because she didn't want to be her. No matter how much Jacen loved Tenel Ka, and Tahiri was under no delusions that he still did, she had her own feelings on how right that marriage had been, and how deeply unhappy Jacen had felt, underneath everything.

"We'll be careful," she stressed the first word, both in her tone and a look at him, a pointed glare. "Whatever is going on out there, this kriffing war, Lucifer, all of it, this..." Tentatively, she placed the hand not holding his over her abdomen, a light touch just over where the baby was so very early in being formed. "This is more important." The wider world could burn if it had to, as harsh a thought as that was.

She could sense the conflict in him, and knew it was more than likely mirrored in her own Force presence. She had no idea how to be a mother, and the idea terrified her, more than even the wars she had faced in her life. She was a girl raised by the Sand People, broken and reshaped many times, and now she was responsible for another tiny life? Seriously? So many ways that this could go wrong.

Still, there was a wry smirk on her face. "Shock is an understatement. This is not something I was in any way prepared for. Being cursed by Maleficent was simpler." And that had involved every bone in her body being broken.

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jeditraitor
2013-10-30 07:40 am UTC (link)

"Because this has clearly shown our skill at being careful." Jacen couldn't help it sometimes. He possessed a dry wit, probably annoyingly inherited from his father. That was probably not what she had meant and there was glaring but he stood by the statement. The smirk faded when she placed her hand over her stomach. That little bundle of cells forming inside there had only them to look out for it. Only them to protect it. He was filled again with that same terror that he'd had when he'd first heard Allana was his. The terror that this was not a world for a child. That this was cruel.

But they'd manage. They always did.

"We'll figure this out. You and me. We'll work this out and we'll be fine because I have faith in you. Less in myself in therms of how this will go, but I'm going to try. And I'm not going to start burning nations to prove my point. Okay possibly Lichtenstein. Its got a ridiculous name and is tiny." he added, trying to amuse her, even slightly. But Tahiri was serious, she was worried, and she was scared.

"Come here." he told her, shifting slightly on the bed to pull her into his arms.

"We work best when surprised, right?"

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hrosha_gul
2013-10-30 08:14 am UTC (link)

"Well, okay, we can start being careful then," she returned the smirk with one of her own, because it felt good to be able to joke, even just a little bit. But as his smirk faded, Tahiri wondered what he was thinking about. Oh, she could probably guess. The same fears she had, would this work, would they be able to protect a child, would they utterly fail at all of this? Every time her thoughts went down that path, she tried to push them back, for fear she would lose herself in the panic.

"I have faith in you." It wasn't just words, she did. Tahiri didn't want to force him into being the Jedi he once was, she accepted the darker side of him, and knew he would not slip fully back into Caedus again. He was balance and he was both, and he had control over himself. That was what mattered. Even though she blinked. "There's really a country called Lichetenstein? That one probably deserves to be burned for that name alone." His attempt at humor worked though, and she smiled, even laughed a little bit.

She curled up into his arms, letting some of the tension leave her body as she rested her head on his shoulder. They'd be okay. They had to be okay.

"And this definitely counts as a massive surprise. But we've handled everything else, this can't be much more terrifying, right?" Aside from the fact it was, but at least no one was going to die this time. Probably.

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