She had thought the silence was worse. She thought it was the worst thing she could possibly feel. The way he was looking at her. She really had just torn him apart, and she knew, she knew with all her heart that she could never make it okay. Never take that pain away because she’d just destroyed him. She saw it happen because as much as it pained her, she couldn’t look away. Not at all. She couldn’t. She had to take it and suffer it because that was what she’d brought on herself, she deserved it. All the same that heartache she saw. He’d loved her. Yeah past tense. Because he didn’t now, how could he.
“I was working for him.” She corrected automatically, ‘with’ assumed they were on a level with each other. They just weren’t. He had been so far beyond what she was. Azazel had ruled hell like a tyrant but he’d given her a chance no other demon ever would. But here was Sam, begging her to tell him that she was lying, telling her to look at him and call it a joke because then things would be okay. And she wished that she could. He had no idea how much.
“What could I say, how could I ever have told you that I was that. How could I have explained it when I know what you lost to him. I fell in love with you, the first real and honest thing in my life bar my loyalty to him. You tell me how that was something I could ever have changed. Sam, It was tearing me up inside and finally, tonight. I looked at you and you were...you weren’t my Sam anymore. And I did that to you and I knew that Azazel was – was wrong.”
She hated saying it. It felt like a part of her was dying as she did.
"I’m not joking” she said, looking up, looking him right in the eyes, even straightening up as much as she could. “I love you, but I lied, I lied before I knew I cared and then I couldn’t fix it. I got so caught up in it all Sam. I just couldn’t, and then like I said. I couldn’t lie anymore.”
She looked down again. “For what little its worth. I still love you. That’s never gonna stop even if you want it to. I can’t. Now, you can kill me, or you can let me explain more. Either way. I'm not walking away from this room.”