She let him lead her into the room feeling for all the world like she'd been slapped. Because that attitude. That arrogance. She'd done that to him. She'd made him this - this junkie. Strung out and needing a fix. And she considered giving it to him. Considered handing him what he needed, and then telling him. But telling him on a high. That had to be worse. This had to be a cold sharp shock. It was the only way he'd react in any way real. But the kiss on her cheek felt cold. That hadn't been what she'd meant at all. She closed the door behind them as soon as he'd dragged her into the room and took a moment. Just a moment. To let herself feel close to him.
And then she stepped back.
"I have to tell you something baby and its going to be hard to hear. But I love you. And you have to keep that in mind. You have to remember that you felt me. The real me. You have to remember that you're my world and that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry but Lilith, you, it can't. You can't"
Damn it she'd been able to just say it to Dean. But with Sam it was all a jumble in her head, memories and wants and needs all fighting for control and she didn't want him to know. If he knew he'd hate her.
"She's the last seal. Not...anything else just her. First demon, last seal. And I was supposed to get you there. I was supposed to wait, get you strong on my blood and then when the final seals were breaking, I was supposed to lead you to her. Because Azazel he, he was the one that set it up. Demon blooded children and the one that one out. I was supposed to get them ready. I was the temptress. I was the best hell had to offer and he sent me to you."
Azazel. Fuck, she had to explain it all again.
"I'm not explaining this right, I, he was. In hell he wasn't just 'the tyrant'. I thought, I believed he was a visionary. He gave me chances no other demons got. I had power, I had respect and I would have done anything for him. Anything at all. And thats how I came to you? Those were the orders."
She focused her breath needing to get it all out. Sharp shock. Pull him out of how he felt. Rip it all down like some kinda band aid. And in doing so tear her own heart apart. Fuck this was harder than Kira had warned her. She'd said hard, she hadn't said that Ruby would feel a double sense of loss and betrayal. A double sense of fear and more self loathing than she could ever imagine.
"Sam the only thing about me that isn't a lie is that I fell in love with you. That I can't fall out of love with you. That even though it goes against everything I'm supposed to do. I'm telling you this now because, my blood. Its changing you. Its making you something else and I'm scared you're gonna get lost along the way. You can't kill her. You can't. Taking enough blood to do that and you loose yourself"
She slumped, having to lean against the wall in exhaustion just from speaking the words aloud to him. She had just six more.
"I love you, and I'm sorry"
She was so so sorry. And she'd just destroyed everything.