WHO: Rebekah Mikaelson and OTA (but approach this girl with some caution!) Kol Mikaelson. WHAT: In which Rebekah has thinky feels about her feelings towards Stefan, Matt and Spike, as well as thinky feels about her brothers and their various lady loves! WHEN: Post Katherine’s reappearance. WHERE: A park bench. RATING: Nothing too high. STATUS: Complete as a narrative, open if someone wants to tag.
Rebekah hadn’t been kidding when she said she was going out. She knew that her brothers, Nik in particular, would be calling her actions a strop, being a brat, childish, or other such words, but she couldn’t help the way she felt. With everything that was so clearly going on with Caroline, and now the return of Katherine, Rebekah felt, well, lonely. It still stung when she thought about it, the day Nik had abandoned her to protect Caroline, when she had believed him dead. Her heart had been broken anyway, and then, then to be so cruelly left behind so he could save the little cheerleader? Being forced to breathe in vervain hurt less.
Sometimes she wondered which brother was crueller. Nik never claimed that he would put her before Caroline. Oh, Rebekah knew her hybrid brother would try to save her, of course he would. But his order of priorities very clearly went himself, Caroline and then her and their brothers. Elijah claimed that he would put her first, but Rebekah questioned that, oh how she did. Because if it came down to it, she believed that Elijah would protect the weaker, precious Katerina over her. After all, hadn’t she already been chastised for not being overjoyed at the return of the woman who had torn her family apart all those centuries before?
She had been wandering for a while, checking her phone every now and then, before she came to a bench and sat down, drawing her legs up. Her long blonde hair was loose, and tumbling into a curtain over her face as she rested her forehead against her knees.
She just wanted to be loved. Was that so much to ask? Or was it that Matt was right, all that time ago in Mystic Falls, when he had said she didn’t deserve to be loved? Maybe that was to be her curse, to always be put in second place. To pour her heart out to others only to be pushed aside. A thousand years and it seemed she still hadn’t learned her lessons on that score, not with the three men in her life who she wasn’t related to, and all the complications that came with each of them. In her attempt, desperate as it was, to avoid repeating her own mistakes, it seemed that Rebekah had simply twisted up her heart into a mass of confusion.
First there was Stefan. She had loved him so deeply, so desperately back in the 20s, had been prepared to leave Nik to be with him. And that fierce love had never truly gone away, no matter how many times he used her. He had plotted to kill her, along with her brothers when Finn had been murdered. He had been involved in the plan to transfer Nik into her body and dagger her. He had distracted her while Kol had been killed. Used her for ‘hot, crazy sex’. And Rebekah knew that no matter what he said, no matter how many times he insisted, if Elena needed him, he would drop everything for her. Because wasn’t that how it always worked? Elena Gilbert, always loved. Her parents were dead, but at least Elena had the comfort of knowing they had loved her. Men fell at her feet, friends put up with anything for her. Whatever Elena could want, she just had to give them a look and she would get it.
And yet even with knowing all of that, whenever Stefan called on her, Rebekah went to him. His Panda to her Stephanie. Seeing him drunk and in pain hurt her heart. She wanted him to love her, so much. To look her in the eyes the way he used to look at Elena, to say he loved her in a way Rebekah could believe.
Then there was Matt. Matt who was so damn pure and good, and okay, he had killed Finn thinking it would kill her too, but he had barely known her then, and to be fair, she had nearly killed him in return. Matt was the ideal, the man Rebekah knew she didn’t definitely deserve to have love her. He was honesty and integrity, loyalty and love for others. So much smarter than he gave himself credit for. And apparently in her future, would agree to go on a roadtrip to Europe with her. How did something like that even happen? Rebekah hardly dared to ask, as much as she was desperate to. What could have happened between them to lead to that and what did Matt think it meant for them in the future? Their future.
But ultimately, would Rebekah end up destroying all that goodness in him? Would she be able to live with herself, immortal though she was, if she ended up dragging the best man she had ever known into the darkness with her?
And then there was Spike. Spike who was so perfectly her type. Dangerous, seductive, so incredibly attractive. Who, like her, seemed to love deeply and passionately. Spike understood her so well, knew how to make her laugh and how to make her actually blush and feel like just a girl talking to a boy she liked.
But he came with his own complications. His Buffy to her Stefan, his Epiphany to her Matt. Rebekah knew he wasn’t over them, and the selfish part of her wanted to know, to completely know, that she was the one someone wanted to be with. No confusions, no settling for what they could have, to be someone’s entire world. The way Alexander had made her feel before the full lie of him had been revealed. And equally, would it be fair to Spike, to pursue something with him, when there was Stefan and Matt in her heart too?
She groaned slightly, pulling her knees up tighter to her body. She wished, oh how she wished, that she could just get completely drunk, but that was apparently not to be in Lawrence these days. Rebekah wasn’t even sure if Lexi and Lee needed her in work, what use was a bar without alcohol? But she just didn’t want to go home, didn’t want to see the probable sniping at each other Nik and Elijah were doing, the constant reminders of the women they loved more than her, and yet she didn’t feel as though she had anywhere else to go. Stupid thoughts, stupid fears. Stupid damn desire to be loved so much.