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Enj Is Probably Saving Puppies (decidewhoweare) wrote in wariscoming,

He heard her shifting beneath the sheets, the soft pad of her foot steps coming up beside him, but he didn't move from his position. A part of him really did want to be alone with his grief, afraid of lashing out at the wrong person. It was him he was angry with, never her. But then, another part of him, the part that had been alone for far too long, didn't ever want to be left alone again. He wanted someone to push at him, to force him to let them in.

Glancing down at her, a ghost of a smile crossed his face. She truly was beautiful, even in nightclothes with her hair mussed from pillows. Hell, maybe that made her more beautiful, because it meant she'd been tucked by his side. His arm reached out, sliding around her and pulling her close. Just having her there helped more than he'd ever be able to say.

"No," he admitted, resting his chin on top of her hair and simply breathing her in. As if she wouldn't know. As if the same sorts of images weren't plaguing her. She'd felt herself die. He hadn't. His last memory was that initial panic and then the resolution that he'd failed. But he wasn't going out without holding on to his pride and his dignity. And then he was in Lawrence and Belle was finding him and how things had changed since then.

For a moment, he simply stood in silence. When he finally did speak, his voice was low. "I can't stop seeing them. All of them. I can't remember their voices anymore, you know?" That had been a painful moment. When he'd tried to remember Combferre's laugh and couldn't. When he couldn't quite grasp how the cynical sneer of Grantaire's voice went. He'd seen Gavroche the most recently of all of them and even that was fading far too quickly.

He was grateful. Really, he was. He'd been given a second chance here and he'd taken it. Making a life for himself, finding a career where he could work for change. Finding love he'd only heard others talk about. Making friends, settling down. But why him? Why him when so many of the others were so much more deserving?