Who: Elena Gilbert, OTA or standalone What: Contemplations, trying to put the pieces back together again When: Night, 26 March 2013 Where: Graveyard. Warnings: Feels/Angst
Elena had known even as Anakin had told her he needed her that it wouldn't be enough to keep her going in the long run. It had been enough at the time, just something to break through the haze of pain and guilt. And as the days turned into weeks, Elena could feel the pain starting to ebb in again. It never had left, the guilt, but it was getting to that point again. A point that she knew wasn't her, that she didn't want to be her. She wasn't the type of person who remained buried in the past, wallowing without ever bothering to try and pull herself up. The type to drag others down with her. She always had focused on just surviving. On getting up, putting on her mask of being fine and going about the day. Being there for people because she didn't know how to help herself. And so she ended up here. In the graveyard, once again uncertain on what to even do. It wasn't that she thought that there wasn't anyone who would listen to her. She knew she had support and she appreciated it. But it was as she had told Katherine, she didn't know how to ask for help. Not to mention, she didn't want to talk to someone who had any form of bias. Someone tied to her, she wanted complete neutrality. It put her in a very difficult situation as there weren't really therapists who knew what was going on.
Which was why she had called one of the hotline numbers. There was no way to go into the details, not on a hotline, despite the anonymity provided. But the pain overwhelming her had nothing to do with the supernatural. It was easier to word things to a stranger, to find ways to explain some of it in a way that wouldn't seem completely insane and get her institutionalized. The fact she had gotten in touch with Marguerite had been startling. She barely knew the actress beyond the fact she had shown up in a state of shock at the beginning of July and stayed with Elphie for a few days. Nor did she know if Marguerite had recognized her voice. Either way, it had helped in a small way. A lack of bias. It was why what Jacen and Tahiri had said when she did her apology had resonated more. Because they didn't owe her anything, they didn't have deep seated bonds that made it harder to remain objective. They were still friends, strange as it was, but... they also didn't have the same ties to her and could see things a bit more clearly.
It was why Elena had remained quiet as of late. She still read the boards, but until Mick had filtered to her, Elena hadn't bothered responding to things. There wasn't much she had to say on the things she could see, and she also didn't really know what to expect if she said something. She worried about people taking it the wrong way. That she wasn't constantly bemoaning what was upsetting her, that it meant she wasn't dealing. But it wasn't that. She just wanted to be able to figure out who she was, on her own terms, without the questions and looks. Because while she hadn't asked for help before, it was different this time. She wasn't avoiding and pushing it to the side, she was just learning to prioritize. But it was part of what Tahiri had said. She had to figure out who she was. Not the person everyone wanted her to be. The person she had pretended to be for so long because it was all she had known how to do. So while she still didn't know who that was, she worried that people would brush off what she said, think it was avoidance and try to get her to talk or deal in a way that didn't fit.
But the conversation with Mick, it did point something out to her. Elena didn't owe him anything. Sure, he was a vampire, she collected vampires it seemed, but there were no deep ties of friendship. No guilt attached to him. He didn't really seem to need to be saved, so it wasn't even the fact that she tried to take care of others since she ignored herself. But she still didn't mind helping someone, answering concerns or questions. She had begun to wonder if that was all just part of the mask, if it wasn't part of who she was. But maybe it was. It was the first time someone had reached out to her with a concern since she tried to kill herself. Which, okay, made sense. People didn't want to add stress to her, but if they stopped all together, if they saw her as weak and cracking and unable to help... then what? She couldn't be that person. The person who shattered at the drop of a hat. She never had been.
I think you've been a rock to people for so long and it's finally taken it's toll
Jacen's words had also struck a chord. After all, it often felt that people didn't see her. Not really. It was a constant issue for Elena. How people didn't see the potential for what she could do if pushed too far. A denial. There were so many things she wanted to say or ask, yet feared the answer that she never did. Instead she focused on others. It had been enough until the cracks had started forming. First with Damon nearly being blown up and the constant blows after that. Anakin being sent back. The ghosts. Tahiri. Anakin showing up without his memory. The constant yo yoing of Caroline back and forth. Strong as she tried to be, Elena didn't handle loss well. With it so prevalent in her life, one would think she'd be used to it by now, but it just meant that each loss was one more stab into an already broken heart. A broken heart she was trying to mend. Unfortunately, a lot of her issues weren't things that people could just fix. A hug, a kind word, it went so much deeper than that.
I think you hold onto the pain because you're afraid of feeling it again in a fresh sense. It's easier to hold onto it to shield yourself when it's so constant in your life.
It had been a strange comment at first by Marguerite in the phone call. She'd been worrying about losing people, about how she ruined people and somehow that was what Marguerite had come up with. But now thinking about it, about the fact that Elena was always afraid to really be happy because the last time she was, Anakin had been sent back to death... well, it made sense. If she held onto the pain and guilt, wrapped it around herself as a barrier, she couldn't hurt as much when something else happened. She was so used to things happening, people dying, falling apart, hating her. She came to expect it, that the notion of peace and a chance to be happy and normal, it was this dream, and it was terrifying, no matter how hard she tried to pretend she was just that.
There is no way to deal with everything at once, it will pull you into so many directions. Perhaps it would help if you find a way to process things one at a time. Take the time you were denied before. Really look at it.
The advice was sound. It made sense. Trying to deal with everything from Mystic Falls and Lawrence at once? There was no way that could be done. And it was so entangled, that she'd just drown in it all if she ever tried. The trick was figuring out how to pull it apart. To look at things in an objective way. To process everything that had happened that had chipped away at her until she was nothing but a mask, nothing but someone trying to pretend to be fine. Alive. She wasn't. Not really. There were moments, but she was so afraid of losing it, that she never voiced it until she was overwhelmed. She was so afraid of being hurt again, afraid that it would be the last thing she could take before she became completely unrecognizable. Fear was life. But there was good in it, good that she had lost sight of because she was numb to the danger since it was so expected.
Katherine knew that she couldn't have the good feelings without the bad, without going through it. And Elena had told her as such. Had told her why it was worth feeling despite the pain. She just... needed to remember her own advice. She needed to figure it out for herself. And not shun help if it was offered. To not deflect. But she had made the first step in not rejecting the observation and suicide watch, in trying to brush it off as simply the curse. And she knew that this wasn't the way she was meant to be. Acknowledgement was indeed a big step and she did want to find a way to help herself. She just.. didn't know how and didn't know who to ask.
Groaning in frustration, the nineteen year old closed her eyes and rested her head against the headstone. Creepy graveyard girl, all these years later. But people tended to keep to themselves in graveyards, there was solitude and peace. It was cold out and Elena would have to head back to the house eventually, but for now, she figured she could take some time to herself, try to figure out which incident to try and work through first so that she could start to work through the others. The ones that she could call a hotline about, without being viewed as insane. The ones where she could figure out who she could talk to who wouldn't judge her but would be able to be unbiased. The complete shattering had been a long time coming, which meant it was going to take a long time to help herself, but at least she wasn't going to let herself stay in that broken place. She'd sooner be killed than that.