InsaneJournal

Who: Helena
What: Thursday marks a year since Helena initially arrived in Lawrence, and Friday's significance is weighing on her mind.
When: Roughly 2 AM Wednesday morning
Where: Her bedroom
Warnings: Some angst, mentions of death
Status: Narrative, complete



The seventh of February marked a year since Helena had originally arrived in Lawrence. That day hung in her mind because one moment she had been dead, the next she was very much alive. At least Claudia had been here otherwise Helena didn't know what she would have done. But perhaps even more than the first day she'd arrived here, the eighth of February hung more potently within her mind. That was the day Helena had first met Irene, a day that was the beginning of a relationship that meant more to her than she really ever admitted out loud to anyone.

There had been an attraction from that first meeting, a spark that had intrigued Helena. At first, Helena had subconsciously used the relationship to solidify the fact that she was actually alive and not a hologram. She'd needed that validation that she wasn't just in a dreamworld or the afterlife. It had taken some time, but Helena had finally solidified it within her mind that she was alive. Irene was someone Helena had never imagined meeting, but she had been more than taken by her. It was difficult for Helena to pinpoint what her exact feelings for Irene had been. Had she been in love with her? Helena wasn't so certain she'd go that far, but she had most certainly cared a great deal for Irene. It was why when future versions of people had shown up, she'd been at that future Irene's side, the one who had been skinned by Moriarty. She was by Irene's side when she was brought back to this time. Things had been developing well. Irene was the first lover she'd had since Christina had died well over a century prior.

Through that relationship, Helena had learned she could open herself up again, and that she could have a lover, even if theirs was a more casual relationship. It still meant something to Helena, and she still treasured it. Even now, she still held a place in her heart for Irene, she still meant something to her. Though like all relationships, there were bumps along the way. Where things began to go downhill had been when Irene and Helena's comments to each other while they'd been turned into animals, went unfiltered from Moriarty's eyes. Looking back on it now, Helena was fairly certain even if that conversation had been filtered away from Moriarty, he would have found out about their relationship sooner or later regardless. It was the mind games that Moriarty had waged on Helena that had begun to break her down. Though what really made her feel like she'd taken a knife to the back was when Irene had asked Myka about Helena's past with Christina instead of coming straight to her first. That was perhaps the moment when she realized that Irene wasn't so different from her past lovers.

Despite that, Helena still cared about Irene. Though it was perhaps when Emily came into existence and Irene showed an aversion to children that solidified the fact that her relationship with Irene most likely wouldn't have stood the test of time. After all, with Emily in the picture, if Helena was to enter into a relationship with anyone, the other person would need to like children and get along with Emily. But of course, Helena couldn't just stop herself from feeling or caring, which is why when Moriarty had killed Irene, Helena had reacted badly. She'd had yet another person she cared about ripped away from her by murder. She had closed herself off to relationships with that blow, and she hadn't allowed herself to truly grieve Irene until some months later when she'd started to let herself grieve. However, the Seal had sent her back home before she'd properly grieved Irene, so it wasn't any surprise to those who knew her and what she'd been through with Irene why she was grieving now.

The memories were so prominent within her mind currently because of the date that was fast approaching. Even though she'd been gone for roughly a month, she had effectively been here for a year. The things she'd suffered through still weighed on her to varying degrees. But right now, Irene's loss was something she was feeling the most. For despite the way things had turned out, Helena still cared about her, still was thankful for what the relationship had given her. It had been what she'd needed at the time.

Laying in her bed, Helena sniffed softly. She was keeping Svetlana's advice to her in mind, and she was letting herself feel in this. Though she was more or less past the point of talking about it. It was more about letting herself grieve and let go of the lingering negative things that were floating around inside of her. She was crying softly, clutching a pillow against her chest as she lay curled on her side. The Victorian woman did feel the need for some comfort, but given it was the middle of the night she would make do with a pillow. Though almost as if on cue, Emily woke up and started crying. Instantly rising from her bed, Helena went over to the cradle and gently lifted Emily up and into her arms.

"Shh, it's all right love, I'm here," she said softly, rubbing Emily's back to soothe her as she sniffed and tried to stop her tears. It didn't take long before Emily calmed down. Helena changed her diaper, then she walked over to her rocking chair and sat down in it, holding Emily against her chest as she gently rocked her. Placing a soft kiss to the top of Emily's dark-haired head, Helena drew in a deep breath. Some tears were still lingering, and her heart still felt the sting of grief, but she knew it wouldn't last. Helena was thankful that she'd been able to know Irene, and she hoped that wherever Irene was that she was at peace. Perhaps Friday morning, Helena would adopt one of Svetlana's tendencies and go to a church to light a candle in Irene's memory. It would be the least she could do, and it would help her settle her grief a bit more.

Glancing over at her bookcase, her eyes rested on her first edition copies of the Sherlock Holmes stories. In a way, she would always have Irene close, similar to how she would always have Christina with her. Irene was just one more ghost that followed in Helena's shadow, but like Christina's, Irene's ghost soon wouldn't hurt her as much as it had. In the end, Irene mattered to her, and Helena liked to think she'd meant something to Irene. Tightening an arm around Emily's back, a soft sob came from Helena at that thought. All she wanted in life was to matter to someone, but even if she didn't, at least she'd tried.