InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "i have no idea what's going on"

Elena Gilbert is a hero for the lost cause (naturaldisaster) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2012-12-08 09:07:00

Entry tags:

elena gilbert, violet harmon

Who: Elena Gilbert and Violet Harmon
What: Elena never lets herself deal with anything because she has to be "fine", it finally caught up to her after years of running (thanks Lawrence time)
When: 8 December morning/afternoon
Where: Graveyard to a bridge.
Warnings: A is for Angst, F is for Feels, B is for Broken
Status: Thread | Complete

Elena didn’t know how much more she could take. She had mastered the art of claiming she was fine when she was far from it. Had mastered how to pretend that she had everything under control by not focusing on it, by instead pushing her own issues aside so that she could help others in times of need. It gave her a sense of purpose, drove her. And while she didn’t mind it, while she truly did want to help, she was still masking her own issues so as not to think about them. She had gotten so good at it, that she had even managed to convince herself of this fact. That she didn’t need to deal with everything that had happened in Mystic Falls. In Lawrence. But she did because it was destroying her.

The cracks had started months ago. Damon nearly being blown up by Moriarty. Anakin getting taken away the day after her birthday, after she finally let herself be happy. The ghosts. That had been the first major break down because of everything she had learned from Alaric’s ghost. The added guilt of how much pain had been suffered on her account, how many deaths had happened because of her. But while she should have taken that opportunity to properly process everything she had been through on top of everything she had learned. But in typical Elena fashion, she hadn’t. She focused on information she had learned to protect the others. Things had been calm after the ghosts, but then Tahiri had shown up and the cracks reappeared. Because Tahiri represented Anakin, the boy she had ended up falling in love with without her even realizing it and how he too had died on her. Left her. It wasn’t his fault, but the fault of the Seal. Proof that getting close to people here was dangerous, especially for a girl like Elena who was at the end of her rope, where losing those she cared about dug a hole in her heart that could never truly be filled.

She’d been kidnapped by Russians, and had finally admitted that maybe she wasn’t as put together as she pretended but even that admission hadn’t been enough to make an actual dent in her issues. Besides, Lucifer struck. Powers were taken away, wishes. The city had been infested with demons. And Anakin showed up again and without his memories, the one person who could send her spiraling into her emotions, emotions that would destroy her if she wasn’t careful. But she hadn’t had time to really focus on that either, because the attack on the city continued to intensify for a week and once again, Elena was fighting to protect those she cared about, no care for herself, this time physically instead of emotionally. But the attack finally waned and things started to return to normal and she just had to ask the others how they were. Which led to the final thing. Her conversation with Stefan. Telling him to move on. Letting him go. And somehow, that had reached full circle. The last advice her mother had given her, only in regards to Matt. Back when her life had been simple, normal. Cheerleader, Miss Mystic Falls contendent, and most certainly not an orphan.

The disconnect from her previous life to the life she lived now was so vast, that it seemed unreal. Her life had altered when her parents died. Nothing had mattered but she had pushed on. Took care of Jeremy. Did what she could to survive all the while trying to numb herself to the pain, to avoid it, even if it meant that the things she once cared about no longer mattered. If only that had been the end of it, maybe she wouldn’t be the emotional mess she was now. Which was why Elena had slipped out of the house. With an Original and Kryptonian, she couldn’t risk crying and with Anakin having the Force back, she had to concentrate to keep her emotions from becoming overwhelming when Anakin had so much he already had to deal with because of his return. She wasn’t going to disappear again, she had her phone and she would make sure to head back to the house once she could breathe again. But she needed the space and she needed the air.

It was only natural that her path took her to the graveyard. Creepy graveyard girl, wasn’t that who she had become after the death of her parents? True she had gone there to talk to them, but it seemed the location of the graveyard didn’t matter, it still brought Elena peace. A calm. Making her way through the rows of gravestones, the nineteen year old found a bench and sat down, staring at the tomb before her. A sixteen year old girl, on the brink of her life. A girl who could have been Elena. The fate that should have been hers. Everyone said that she had been saved for a reason but it didn’t change the hollow feeling Elena felt within her soul. The first chipping away of her life. The death that would have saved so much pain and suffering and death. Where she wouldn’t feel so at odds with the girl she had been and the girl she had become.

Three years, if one added Lawrence and Mystic Falls times together. It had been three years since she should have first died. Nearly two since she had died only for that to be reversed. But the girl she had been up to that point, before the sacrifice, before seeing Isobel and Jenna die in front of her, the girl who still hoped and thought she could get through the pain, she had died there and left a more reserved girl, someone who fought even harder to save those she loved, who felt herself harden as she struggled to come to terms with what had happened around her. And then ten months since she nearly died and became a vampire. Ten months in Lawrence. The girl from Mystic Falls was so far gone, the girl who was stuck in the middle of a war over her blood, who lost her ability to make her own choices because everyone made them for her. That hadn’t changed here, but ten months of avoiding, of doing the same thing she had done the first time she’d nearly died on that bridge. Pull away from that which reminded her of that pain, of that loss.

Before she used to write, but Elena didn’t know the words she needed to say. She had told Rose she was trying to open up, to talk to people when she needed it, but she also had meant it when she said she didn’t know how. Elena had spent so long being the strong one, the shoulder to cry on, that she didn’t know how to cry for her own sufferings. She didn’t know how to let herself fall apart because people always needed her and so she would always be there for them. Words used to come so easy to her but now they ran dry and hollow. Even now, it seemed ridiculous to be feeling so broken and needing to break down when the city was trying to recover. People were slowly beginning to return from being evacuated... who knew what cover story was being used to explain the weird to those who had no idea.

Not knowing exactly why she did it, Elena got up and after saying her respects to a girl she didn’t even know but could have been her, left the graveyard and found herself on a bridge. It was always a bridge. Metaphorically, bridges were something that were to be crossed, issues dealt with so that one could move on with their life, a path taken and the obstacles ahead. For Elena, bridges meant so much more. They were pain and suffering and death. Honestly, she was still afraid of driving over them. Even if it wasn’t the Wickery Bridge, she still felt ill at ease if she was in a car and over a bridge. She had gotten over her fear of cars after the crash, but bridges? No.

Thankfully though, she wasn’t in a car, so the panic she always felt on a bridge while in a car didn’t happen. Just cold. Even now, alone, she was afraid to break down. Afraid that if she did, she wouldn’t know how to stop. And maybe in the end, that was the issue. There was so much pain and loss, a need to hold so desperately to those she was close to because she couldn’t handle any more loss... and in that, she knew that if she broke, if she let the walls finally crumble down instead of haphazardly patching the cracks, she might never pull herself together again and she couldn’t let that happen. But she couldn’t keep this up, either.

She was at a loss.

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black_violet
2012-12-08 11:51 pm UTC (link)

Violet had been through a lot. Less than some, more than others. But still by all accounts, a lot had happened to her in recent months. Between her father's affair, the family uprooting from Boston to L.A., moving into The Murder House, meeting Tate... And God, everything that came along with that house, with that boy. There was so much of her wrapped up into that place, into him, and she hated it, honestly. She hated every last bit of it because there was way too much conflict in her head over it all and when she really tried to think about it all, she kind of just got dizzy. It was confusing. It was heartbreaking. She had trusted him. Loved him. But the lies he had told, the things he had done...there was no coming back from that. Was there? She didn't know anymore.

Factor in her first round of time in Lawrence, which had been less than fun. The memories were still kind of fuzzy, but she remembered the crazy. She remembered Moriarty. Katherine. She remembered the fear. She remembered Tate being here then... She'd come from before she died. He'd come from after. And he had told her and her world had fallen apart. And then she went back and she had to actually live it all out. Somehow, her memories had gotten all blury, probably the Seal's doing, and she hadn't remembered Tate telling her about her death back in Lawrence. So when she went back home and lived it out again? Her world was shattered once again, completely. He had lied to her. Lied to her all this time and for what? To protect her? She didn't need protecting. She needed people to stop treating her like a china doll.

Coming back to Lawrence had not been a walk in the park, either. She had literally just found out, Tate had just shown her the body in the crawlspace under the house and she was still reeling from that when she'd shown up. The crazy was in full swing, an impending demon attack was going on when she arrived on the steps outsidethe church. She'd eventually found her way back to the complex, and taken Peter Vincent's little demon crash course and played her part the best she could. She may not have been so dead here while the Seal--or was it Lucifer's doing, she wasn't sure--had taken everyone's extra abilities and magic away, but she'd already died once, so who really cared if she died again?

After the battle was over, she snuck off to her apartment to be alone for awhile. Staring at those same four walls got old, though, and here she wasn't stuck, tied to the house she'd died in, so she grabbed her shoes and her jacket and she went out. She didn't even know where she was going. She was just walking, aimless and wandering, hardly even paying attention to which direction she was going. When she finally took notice of her surroundings, she could see someone standing on a bridge not far from her. She thought that was a little odd, not that she was one to talk about oddities, and decided to investigate. "Hey," she said, her voice quiet, "enjoying the view?" It was a crap way to start a conversation, but it was something and it was better than silence.

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naturaldisaster
2012-12-09 12:40 am UTC (link)

While most people seemed to be latching onto family and friends, at least those who were native to this world and had no idea on what was going, Elena had needed the space. So despite the wreckage all around, she had gone out on her own and found a bridge. Ironic and depressing, but that was the general status of her life these days. It was only fitting. That, and water was supposedly calming. While it was destructive and could kill, it also could soothe, heal, cleanse. Or so theory would have you believe. Elena wasn't so certain but it was at least worth a shot, right? Let the sounds of the water calm her thoughts so she could process? Even a subconscious desire to face her fear without the additional baggage of it being that bridge, to move on.

It was easier said then done, though. She didn't let it hold her back. In everything that had happened, Elena had pushed through it all, kept going when most people would have given up. It was all she knew how to do. She survived. Because she had to. Because Jeremy needed her. But what did she need? To process. That was what Anatoly said, Rose... the only two people who really had an idea on what was going on through her head at the moment.

Sighing in thought, the teen was lost in thought when she heard a voice beside her. Jolting, Elena looked to the side. She looked familiar. Someone who had been here, then she had vanished... it wasn't someone from the high school. No. She was on the boards.

"Sure...."

Because what was the view? Calmer than the city, that much was certain. A city that still needed to be rebuilt. Just like her. Just like Violet if Elena knew what was going on in the other teen's mind. Symbolic, really. All of it. So perhaps the writer in her hadn't vanished completely. Eying Violet until she could place a name, Elena folded her hair behind her ear.

"Violet, right? Showed back up in the middle of... all of this?"

While she had been distracted by Anakin's reappearance, Elena had paid attention to the boards and she had seen Violet post some, asking for verification on things and talking of a time jump, remembering Moriarty but not the other things that had happened since then.

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black_violet
2012-12-09 01:43 am UTC (link)

She nodded when the girl asked her name, "Yeah, that's me. And you're...Elena." She had to think for a moment, but she remembered her from before. Not very well, she hadn't talked to her much, but she she remembered right, she was someone Vicki had known from home. She wondered if the vampire girl was still around. Her guess was no, considering the lack of seeing her on the boards at all and the way people were tossed from one dimension to the next, thanks to the Seal. The one, big consistency in Lawrence was the inconsistency of the Seal.

"Yeah, some return, right?" She shook her head, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from her hoodie pocket, lighting one. She held the pack out to her, a silent offer. From what little Violet knew of her, she didn't really expect Elena to take one, but she offered anyway. "Right in the middle of it all." She shrugged, taking a drag from the cigarette. "What're you doing out here?" she asked, curious.

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naturaldisaster
2012-12-09 01:54 am UTC (link)

Well, at least she wasn't being mistaken for Katherine. While Elena was more than willing to give the vampire a chance if she truly wanted it, that didn't mean she really enjoyed being mistaken for her just because they were doppelgangers. Because it tied into some of the issues she had with herself, with how she could be if she had no one there to keep her grounded. Jeremy, her friends, they were what kept her sane. If she lost them, would she lose herself? It was a risk and she knew it. Just as she had admitted she easily could turn into Tahiri. Following a path of destruction just to see her loved ones again. Ruthless. With no one to fight for, where would that leave Elena? She didn't know and she didn't want to find out.

"Oh, definitely. Typical Seal."

Because when people showed up in the middle of a calm, they found it hard to believe just what they were told. Violet at least seemed to remember her time from before, as well as not being in a time of calm so while it was an unsettling return, she wasn't as unprepared as others might have been, no matter how hard those here tried to prepare those who were new. No matter how much they warned. The insanity was seen as just that, as a hallucination, until the unexplainable happened where randomly appearing in a new time and place unexpectedly was not proof enough.

The offer of a cigarette was met with a slight shake of Elena's head, but it wasn't drugs so she really wasn't going to begrudge the girl her smoke. After all, she was known to partake in drinking yet was still underage. What did that matter in a place like this? Sure, the law enforcement types here sometimes tried to assert their authority on that, and it got annoying to see the drunk posts all the time, but once and a while didn't hurt so much. They were old enough to die here after all.

At the question, Elena bit her lip some. It would be so easy to lie about that. She was big on honesty, but she didn't necessarily know Violet and she was still at the point where she didn't know how to put a lot of the things she felt into words. But what was the point? The whole reason she was in such emotional turmoil was the fact that she never dealt with everything.

"Thinking. Remembering. Mourning..." Shrugging, Elena sighed and looked out at the stream, letting the mask of being fine drop briefly. How many people had died and been hurt. The guilt was overwhelming. The knowledge that it could have been avoided. The knowledge that it would keep happening whenever she got sent back, "You?" At the question, the nineteen year old turned her attention back to Violet.

She seemed to hold a lot of pain herself, because if there was one thing Elena was good at picking up on, it was the emotional distress of others. A fine tune honing ability almost from seeing it within herself and in the faces of those she cared about and tried to help. Perhaps Jeremy was right and she was Peter Pan in a way, those she collected as friends, the lost boys. They were all lost, after all. Why not band together?

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black_violet
2012-12-09 03:01 am UTC (link)

"Isn't it? Ridiculous." She said, tipping the ashes from her cigarette over the rail of the bridge, down into the water below them. She leaned back against the rail, turning her attention to the other girl. She pocketed the pack of cigarettes and her lighter once again when Elena refused. Her answer to Violet's question was vague, but it made an impact. Maybe because those were things that Violet knew she herself should be doing. Thinking, processing everything that had happened, trying to find a way to deal with it. But that was so far from what she was ready for. She was perfectly content in running from everything right now.

"See, me, I'm doing the opposite. I'm running, ignoring. I-I don't..." she shook her head, dropping her chin towards her chest for a moment before looking back up at her. "I don't know how to handle it, y'know? Not just this place because...fuck...I don't think anyone knows how to deal with this place. Just...everything else." On some level, Violet knew that that she was saying probably didn't make any sense to Elena. How could it? She had no idea what she was talking about, no idea what Violet had been through back home. But for now, it seemed like enough to say.

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naturaldisaster
2012-12-09 03:13 am UTC (link)

"That's the Seal for you. Ridiculous and rude." Sometimes she and Elphie, or Rose, or Sam, they would make fun of the Seal, for how rude it was. Make inane plans on how to deal with certain people who came through. Bella from Twilight. Fiyero. But at the end of the day, there was nothing that could be done about it. They could mock it, rant at it, curse it for bringing someone through or for taking them away. It was so... Lawrence. It wasn't that Elena wasn't used to unpredictability. That she knew in spades. But it didn't make it easier.

As Violet answered her question, Elena just nodded. She knew that game. She had mastered it. Only not, because mastering it meant that the curve balls she'd been thrown lately wouldn't have thrown her as much as they had. She wouldn't be here right now, drowning in everything because she never had let herself process. Never had the time, really. In Mystic Falls, things just kept happening. Even when there were months of 'silence', things had never been simple. Had never really given way to processing the losses the town had suffered. In Lawrence, it was similar only with longer periods of peace. But with so many people and Elena's need to help everyone else because she couldn't help herself, she still never got around to dealing until now. In the ruins of the city following an attack. And it wasn't as if it were the end. No. It was just a reminder and she hated it.

"You mean the insanity of home, where things like Lawrence aren't as shocking as they should be to most people?"

She was going out on a limb, but it was true. Until meeting the Salvatore brothers and learning the truth, she never would have believed the things she had seen in Lawrence. But everything she had lived through back in Mystic Falls? It made the things she had seen here so much more believable to the point where it didn't even phase her half the time and the only things that did were the things that called up on her feelings because she always pushed them aside for others.

"Be careful with the ignoring... otherwise it can destroy you worse than any monster could...."

Elena didn't bother masking the fact that she was talking from experience. That the ignoring was why she was there now. Vague or not, a lot could be picked up from simple word choice, a turn of phrase, intonation of a voice.

"People claim that we are only given trials that we can handle, but I question that sometimes." Or a lot of times. Because who should be able to handle the things that they had gone through back home and in Lawrence. While Violet was 'fictional', Elena had never seen her story. But the way that Violet said that she didn't know how to handle everything else on top of Lawrence? It wasn't typical teen drama and angst. There was more to it. And Elena knew that most people would not be able to handle the things she and her friends had gone through. The fact that they remained standing and persevering was either a miracle or sheer luck and they would crash.

Then again. Elena was just going to die in a few months time if she got sent back, so maybe that persevering thing wasn't so accurate after all. If she at least knew how or why, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. But that didn't really do much for her now, and it certainly didn't help her come to terms with the things she needed to.

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black_violet
2012-12-09 04:54 pm UTC (link)

"Yeah, exactly," she nodded, taking another drag from the cigarette between her fingers. She held it in as long as she could before finally exhaling the smoke, tossing the remaining bit of her cigarette over the edge of the bridge into the water. She turned slightly, looking out across the water down below, staring into space as she thought about what Elena was saying.

"I don't know what else to do, honestly..." She admitted after a moment, her eyes falling as she thought about Tate. How had everything gotten so messed up?

She shook her head, "I don't believe that. People wouldn't have breakdowns and go psychotic if they could handle everything life ever throws at them."

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naturaldisaster
2012-12-10 04:08 pm UTC (link)

If there was one thing Elena knew well, it was the feeling of not knowing how to process everything. If she did know how to, well, she was fairly certain things would be different. At least in terms of how she handled them, handled loss, handled everything that this place kept throwing at her. In the near two years she had been here, it had almost been issues by proxy for Elena. Those she cared about were the ones affected and she'd been the one dealing with the fall out, taking care of them. And it was a role Elena did well. But was it just that? A role? Did it really matter now?

"Neither do I... this is probably the first time I've even let myself try to do so in nearly... three years when taking in Lawrence time."

Three years of death and pain and suffering and constant looking over her shoulder, of worrying that someone else would suffer because of their connection to her. Of worrying she would die. Never a chance to take a break, to breathe. People to take care of when there were those times. Everything being pushed aside until they forced themselves on her. Alaric's ghost. People showing up. Issues becoming far too prevalent in mind to ignore for much longer.

But then Violet was responding to the bit about life only throwing what people could handle and Elena just shrugged.

"I think it goes hand in hand with what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but... the jury is still out on that one."

Though there was the quote she had seen once, how damaged people were the most dangerous, because they knew how to survive. Was that so? Elena didn't feel dangerous. Damaged, sure, more so then she actually liked being, but dangerous? No.

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black_violet
2012-12-10 04:22 pm UTC (link)

"Three years?" Violet looked back over at her again, surprised at hearing that. Could she really keep everything bottled up that long without exploding? Considering how Lawrence was, Violet could honestly say she wasn't sure how Elena had managed that one at all.

Violet couldn't help but chuckle a little at that. "But what about the things that do kill you? Some of us are already dead." she pointed out.

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naturaldisaster
2012-12-12 01:01 am UTC (link)

The repeating of how long Elena had been holding everything in was met with a nod. It was hard to explain beyond the fact that things kept happening that kept her attention elsewhere, be it just trying to survive or taking care of others. She never had the time to deal and next thing she knew, it was three years. Anakin had always questioned her, but she'd been so convinced herself that she was fine, he hadn't pushed it. And then he'd been gone and there were other things to worry about, think about. But she couldn't keep running anymore. Even if it was all she knew how to do, Elena knew that she couldn't keep running from the pain. It was just... figuring out how to deal with it. Who to talk to, who would understand or be unbiased enough to give her straight answers.

"Some of us are. Or will be. Or should be... or were and then brought back by a spell. So perhaps it should be more to the idea of that which doesn't cease our existence makes us stronger."

A wane smirk was given, more tired than anything. Nothing made sense, here, at home, not in Violet's home either. She didn't know the details but the fact that she said she was dead back home didn't give much comfort to Elena for the younger teen. But ghosts could exist, just as vampires could, technically dead but still very much there. And they still had to deal with what happened. Somehow.

"I honestly don't know. Half the time I think things like that are just said to make people feel better, to remind them they survived, in whatever way it is they did."

Shrugging, the brunette sighed and turned her attention back to the scenery, worrying her lower lip some. The natural inclination was to see what was bothering Violet, to try and help her with what she was struggling with, but if the girl didn't want to talk, she wouldn't make her. She had already stated she didn't know how to process it and Elena had no answer for that. She felt helpless both for herself and for Violet and it was a feeling Elena really didn't like. At all.

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