Helena did have it on good authority that Svetlana was probably going to worry that some day, the Victorian woman would betray her. And given Helena's history, such worry wasn't so out of place, though Helena was different now. Or so she'd like to believe. She knew she had changed since Yellowstone, but the question was had she changed enough? No matter how much introspection and letting things go she did, there would always be that side of her that was rage and anger, there would always be that monster lurking within her. And the only thing she could do about it was embrace and accept it as being part of her and something she couldn't change.
At the statement that Moriarty didn't count, Helena looked at Svetlana, wondering just what justified such a statement. The Victorian woman felt it counted because the man had tormented her for months, using that television show against her, then sealing the deal with trying to kill both her and Myka. If she'd never gotten involved with Irene, she never would have succumbed to Moriarty's ire. She never would have feared for the lives of those she'd cared about. She might have actually been able to accept certain things far earlier than she had.
Would have, could have, should have. Helena's life was littered with so many of those she could no longer count them.
"I do wish to be a better person. I do not wish to let my hate and anger rule me again, for that is what led me to betraying Myka, the Warehouse." Drawing in a breath, she decided to just get out with it. "After spending a century being Bronzed where I could do nothing except think, my anger and my hate twisted me more than I ever thought it could. My emotions rule me when I am not careful, and that is true for any emotion, not just the negative ones. When I was deBronzed, I had a plan to get vengeance upon the very thing that I felt was ultimately responsible for my daughter's death. I hated the Warehouse, hated what it had turned me into, hated that because of it, I could not be with Christina to the extent I wished. But in order to enact the plan, I needed to gain the trust of the current Warehouse agents, which were Myka, Pete, Claudia and Artie. Artie and Pete never liked me, but Myka and Claudia were more receptive to me. Though as much as I needed to gain access to the Warehouse so I could discover the location of Warehouse 2 so I could retrieve an artifact."
She paused momentarily and brushed a hand through her hair, then the fingers of her right hand started idly fiddling with the ring on the ring finger of that hand. "I was attempting to locate the pieces of the Minoan Trident, which had the capability to unleash the power of a supervolcano erruption when it was plunged into the ground three times. I planned to put it together and use it at Yellowstone National Park in America. There's a supervolcano under it, and I'd planned to unleash its fury and plunge the world into another ice age, effectively killing off the human race. So once I'd gained entrance to Warehouse 2, I knocked Pete and Myka out, took the piece of the Trident and fled to gather the other two pieces, one of which I had affixed to Christina's coffin before I was Bronzed. But even as much as my hate and my anger were fueling me, I had not planned on meeting someone like Myka. The times she and I were alone and not on a job were truly enjoyable. We could talk literature for hours. Perhaps it was because of this that part of me refused to let me go through with my plan, so I left a trail for them to follow. Myka and Artie followed my to Yellowstone. Myka tried to talk me down, but I struck the ground twice before she finally broke through my anger and my hate. She was right, I needed her to stop me. I did not truly wish to destroy the entire planet. I only wanted my own pain to end. And in many ways, I did wish to die. I just wanted my existence to end so I could find some measure of peace even though I know my soul was damned to Hell. But at least in Hell, I could no longer be a danger to myself or others. And that is a form of peace and torment I was ready to take because it was one which I earned."