Even with all the pain she'd experienced being here, this world had at least given Helena a better sense of introspection. How many nights had she spent sleepless just thinking about her life, about the things that had led her to where she was today? It had allowed her to open up a dialogue with herself that she had rather been lacking in since Christina's death. There were aspects of herself she knew should change and it was within her power to change them. She was trying to redeem herself, trying to find her place in life once again in a time and place that were not her own. But along with that, she also came to learn there were aspects of herself that she couldn't change. She would always be waging a constant battle with herself to keep herself from losing control. She would always hurt over Christina's loss.
What troubled her the most was the fact that she had to keep constant vigil on her dark side. As life went, she had her good days and her bad days, but even on her best days she could not let her vigil lax in the slightest. For the instant she laxed would be the time that dark side of herself would take over. And she could not afford to be that person anymore. No. She had reasons to live, and she would live. Though what living actually meant, she wasn't certain of any longer. That was what she was currently working out. Well, at least she was before the Seal had seen fit to take Myka.
Still, what Svetlana said about people being surprising even when you are an excellent judge of character was true. That was something Helena had once held such a firm belief in, that people could always surprise others, that everyone was innately good. That, however, was not such a belief she held any longer. While she might be able to regain her belief that people could be good, she would never again believe people were innately good, not when she herself had such cruelty within her own heart. She knew what she was capable of, she knew what she could do if the circumstances were right.
"That is true, people always have the capability to be surprising. Sometimes it is merely shown at an odd time." Helena held her tea between both her hands and looked down into it in contemplation. She knew accepting the level of cruelty that she was capable of wasn't something that everyone could do. It was a topic she hadn't exactly graced with Svetlana before, not in detail. It didn't make for very good conversation most of the time. "I can be twistedly cruel under the right conditions, and while there are those here that would not judge for me for it, sometimes I question whether I can or should put people in the position to have to deal with it. It is a part of who I am, I cannot change it or rip it out as much as I wish I could. But I know that I can be a danger if I let my guard down for even one moment. Is it truly fair to a potential lover to know that burden I carry?"
This was why Helena needed a moral compass. She needed things to keep her facing in the right direction because she no longer knew her own way along such a path. Emily served as an incredible motivator and moral compass, but even her presence and the love Helena had for the little girl could only go so far.
Helena lifted her head and looked at Svetlana. "Are there signs that you are ready for a relationship even if you continue telling yourself you aren't?" That wasn't exactly something that Helena understood. But she would try to because the more tools she had in keeping herself from closing off, the better.