It seemed that the theme of Helena's life lately was going through the grieving process. She had done that with Christina, and now she needed to do the same with Irene. About the only grieving process she'd even remotely gone through was when her father had died, but even that hadn't happened without her fighting tooth and nail against it. Grieving Christina had come one hundred and twenty years after the fact. At least if she started to allow herself to grieve Irene's loss she'd have moved that up considerably. The Victorian woman knew she didn't have another one hundred and twenty years to spare until she let herself grieve again. Though at least in regards to losing Irene, she hadn't snapped or let herself fall the way she had when Christina had died. Helena well knew if she went down that path once again, she would not come back from it.
Something that the brunette could take from her relationship with Irene was that she knew she had the capability to have one again, but even then, that hadn't been an exclusive, monogamous relationship. That was the type of relationship Helena longed for, but it was one she was beginning to accept she wouldn't have. How could she? The people she truly loved never returned the feelings, and those that loved her either didn't know everything about her or she didn't love them in return. Which was part of why she was needing to let go of her love for Myka. She knew better than to hope this place would send her back, so the only option she had was to let go and move on. But that was easier said than done, obviously. Especially considering Helena had willingly sacrificed her life to ensure Myka survived.
"I was, and it did help me, but now I truly am wondering if someone can ever truly love me. To love someone is to accept everything about them, including their faults and unlikeable parts. I question whether or not someone can actually accept the fact that I am a murderer. Can someone truly be okay with the fact that every waking moment, I am constantly battling myself, to keep that darker part of myself restrained? Irene said she didn't care that I was a murderer, but I couldn't say for certain if she loved me or not. Considering the type of person I tend to all in love with, I really don't think they could accept that about me." And she was more talking specifically about Myka because she was really the only person she loved that was relevant in this. The others that Helena had loved had been before she'd turned into a monster and let herself be corrupted.
Even though Svetlana wasn't an optimist, it didn't bother Helena when she said she didn't need to get her hopes up. It was comforting, actually, because right now Helena would fight against anyone getting her hopes up. She had been about to say something in response, but Helena stopped herself, taking a drink of her tea. She all ready knew the answer to what she was going to say. No one ever knew for certain if something was good or bad until it was lived.
"But of course, I should only take it and live it if I am ready for it." Even knowing Svetlana had an atypical relationship with Anatoly, she was still listening to her. Though it was rather an odd thing as neither woman could truly give advice on relationships. Svetlana didn't have a conventional one, though she did at least have one. Helena's track record was mostly just physical relationships, not emotional ones. There had been a couple where Helena had grown attached, had either fallen in love or was starting to before they were ended. Their pasts were both different, yet also not so very different at all.