Even while initially Helena wasn't exactly certain how someone could remain closed to relationships yet they still happened, she listened to Svetlana's explanation. She knew the Russian woman was speaking from experience, of her and Anatoly. Helena also was able to tell Svetlana couldn't exactly put into words what she wanted to say on the matter, which she understood. Much like Svetlana, Helena could read between the words and deduce a larger meaning behind what was spoken. So in that respect, she did see and comprehend what Svetlana was saying. She just didn't quite understand how it could happen for her.
After all, her defenses were incredibly high in this regard. She hadn't intentionally put them in place, it was just how she'd responded after certain events unfolded. There was so much she'd been through, so much she'd lost and had ripped away from her in her one hundred and forty-six years of life that she had started to grow more and more resistant to romantically connecting with others. It was something that came on so gradually, but looking back on her life, Helena could indeed see a pattern. So many of her lovers had underestimated her or turned against her in some way. Sometimes she wondered why she'd even become involved with some of them to begin with, but sometimes she was attracted by the gleam of madness in their eye. Sometimes she liked living on the edge in such a regard, but those days were past her. She had a daughter who needed her, and Emily came first in everything, even before Helena herself.
"I have Emily and my friends, and I will focus on them. I will always put Emily first in everything." Even in the state she was currently in, her face visible softened upon mention of Emily, proof of just how much she loved the little girl and that she'd finally truly opened up her heart in such regards. But then came the rebuttal. Or at least Helena's version of it.
"And the trick of letting myself be open is rather the trick. On a conscious level I want to be open, I want to let myself be happy in that respect. But on an unconscious level, I don't let myself be open because I have yet to take a lover that does not in some way underestimate me, turn against me or get taken from me. I know I have not had the best taste in lovers, but when I have truly fallen for someone, they have always been the same type of person. They have been strong and pure of heart and have a good moral standing. But the others? Not so much." She sipped her tea and took a breath. "I have problems, I am well aware of it, and what I have been through in this world has not helped. I had thought it did in the beginning with Irene. At first, the physical aspect of the relationship was to reassure me that I was, in fact, actually alive and not a hologram. But then it became more than that to me. At least until she underestimated my ability to talk about my past. That is what hurt me the most. It only reaffirmed that notion that any lover I had could not actually love me for me."
Helena paused momentarily to sip her tea again. "I didn't want her to die, not like that. And really, I don't think I've even really processed her death. At the time, I was far more afraid for my own life and for Emily's. Then seeing a bomb strapped to Myka soon paired with my nearly being killed did not give me time to process. But her being taken from me just completely reaffirmed that I can't ever hold onto anything for very long. I am an old woman living on extremely borrowed time, and I have long since learned not to get my hopes up because they always get shattered when I do. And frankly, I cannot take being broken and battered anymore than I all ready have. A heart can only be pieced together so many times before it can't be put back together. And I fear I am at that point."
At this point, she was just saying what she was thinking and feeling more than making a point. While Svetlana well knew most of her issues with Irene, some of her unvoiced ones were finally coming out. But the fact that Helena was being open was something. She wasn't holding it all in. So this was a step in the right direction. Well, it was a step, but Helena couldn't tell if it was in the right direction or not yet. Only time would tell on that matter.