InsaneJournal

Who: Rose Tyler, open to Team TARDIS but can stand alone
What: Rose finally realizes she can't keep fighting the feels
When: Saturday afternoon
Where: The TARDIS
Warnings: All the angst ever



She'd tried. She really had. If she was nothing else, Rose Tyler was a fighter. Whether emotionally, verbally, or physically, she could put up a fight with the best of them. But sometimes even the strongest person couldn't take it anymore. She would never claim to be the strongest, either.

Several weeks ago she'd finally found the strength to sit and cancel all the bookings and appointments surrounding her wedding. Caterers canceled, business cards thrown out, online reminders turned off. But nothing was going to make the date go away. It didn't take a genius with the whole of space and time running through their head to know that the date was September 29th. Just over a year ago, the Doctor had finally told her what she meant to him. That he loved her and that he wanted to make a go of it. And, when they'd finally sat down to start planning a proper wedding, they had come back to this weekend time and time again.

She'd fought it. Desperately. She'd run herself ragged trying to avoid this day arriving. Headfirst into every project she could find. Buying the Center's space, filling it, hiring, planning, advertising. Working on Eponine's Inn and getting her set to open. Helping Elena and John and anyone else she cared for who was hurting and needed her help. Whatever she could do to just keep it from being September 29th.

But even the most skilled time traveler couldn't avoid a date when moving in a linear pattern. And she had no time machine now, simply a spaceship that went in one place that she was terrified to even go in. It hurt. It was too hard. So she avoided it like she avoided everything else. Everything. She couldn't let herself feel because she just wasn't ready. She'd done this once already. Twice, really, but the move to Lawrence had stalled the second time she'd lost him. Now, though...now there was no escaping it.

It was Rose Tyler's wedding day. And she had no groom.

She probably should've talked herself out of this. Or waited till another day, when she wasn't hurting so badly. But somehow it seemed right that this be the day she finally went back to the TARDIS.

The key still hung around her neck as it always had, all the way back to the days when she traveled with the Doctor on a regular basis. She'd never taken it off, even when she'd thought there was no hope of ever seeing it again. She slipped it into the lock and turned and the beautiful machine opened for her as if she'd never left it. Rose slipped inside glancing around the console room. She had to admit, she was grateful when she didn't run into anyone. To be honest, she wasn't in any condition to see anyone. She'd spent the morning crying, from the moment her mobile had gone off alerting her of 'the big day'. Damned alerts. While she was hardly clutching herself and sobbing now, her eyes were still red and her face was puffy. And if she had to speak to anyone, she'd cry all over again.

She walked quietly down the familiar halls, pausing only briefly at the library where the two of them had so often locked themselves in, turned on soft music, and danced in each other's arms. The rest of the journey was made quicky and quietly.

When she reached the door of her old room, Rose hesitated. She hadn't been in there since the morning she'd woken up to find him gone. Even the occasional trips to the TARDIS had been brief day trips. And as she'd been pretty drunk on her last visit, she'd have slept most anywhere. She knew what she'd find when she walked in there. And it terrified her.

She had to do this. It was the only way to get through this day.

Pushing the door open, she gasped back the sob that threatened to escape. The sheets were still rumpled, as if the two of them had just gotten out of bed to start a day full of adventures. His trainers, those bright red Chucks, were by the side of the bed that had somehow become his, looking for all the world as if he had only kicked them off the night before. The trenchcoat, that beatiful, soft, tan coat, was draped over her desk chair where it usually found itself.

And there, in the corner... It broke her. She felt the bubble of it start deep in her stomach, work its way up her throat, and she couldn't have fought the sobbing if she'd wanted.

The dress really was stunning. She'd worked so hard picking it out from the moment he'd proposed. It had come in the week he'd been taken and she'd taunted him, hanging it in her closet in the bag, telling him he wasn't allowed to peek.

Now, she pulled it out and slowly, painfully, unzipped it. She should be getting into it today. She should have Juliet and Elena there, helping her zip it up and fixing her hair and putting on her jewelry. And she should be wearing it as she made her way to the man she loved, the stupid alien who had stolen her single heart and kept it close.

Her time on Earth would be short, probaly shorter than most given the lifestyle she led. It would certainly be shorter than his. But she'd so been looking forward to spending what she could of it with him. Always knowing that his smile, that wide grin that always looked excited no matter the situation, would be there to greet her. His hand, so perfectly fitted to hers, always available to hold when she needed it. Maybe they'd start a family, maybe it would stay just the two of them. And she was okay with either, so long as she had him.

Now? Now she didn't. She likely never would again. Even if the Seal did decide to give him back to her...did she have it in her to do it all over again? To act as if nothing was wrong when everything was? Could she put herself on the line all over again?

She zipped the cover of the dress back up and put it in the closet where it would stay until she had the heart to give it away. Taking a turn around the room, Rose breathed heavily, no longer fighting the tears that flowed freely. It was hard. It was so damned hard.

Her fingers lingered over the soft material of the trenchcoat. So many memories wrapped up in one piece of fabric. The first day he'd put it on after his regeneration. Christmas. New Earth, using the coat as a blanket and the smell of applegrass. Countless hugs wrapped in its hold.

Picking it up, she buried her face in it, breathing it in. It still had the last lingering scent of him. She hadn't expected that and she just sobbed all over again. Lying on the bed, she buried herself into the blankets, clutched the coat tightly to her, and cried.