Svetlana Sergievskaya causes lyrical chess wars (thegirlisme) wrote in wariscoming, @ 2012-09-25 16:12:00 |
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Entry tags: | svetlana sergievsky |
Who: Svetlana Sergievsky and Dmitri Krylov
What: Breaking from all the stress. Stupid PTSD and memories and worry =/
When: 25 September, midday into early evening
Where: Crosswalk where the girls were shot last year during AU plot
Warnings: Angst and stubbornness?
Status: Narrative | Complete
September 26th. It was a date that was burned in her mind forever. It didn’t matter that the girls had come back by whim of the Seal. The fact remained, Svetlana had failed her daughters and they had died. The 24th they had been shot... and the night before, they had decided to sleep with her as Anatoly was working late in the medbay from the two arrivals that had shown up. They didn’t really knowing why, just that they were unable to sleep in their own beds. Svetlana knew though. Of course she did, the day was imprinted on her memory, seared there forever, haunting her.
The previous week had been a constant reminder of all she had sacrificed in that alternate Moscow. The memories more painful, more real. She hid it as best she could. Tried to move on with her life. After all, if she had been able to survive it last year as it happened, why should she let it destroy her now? Anatoly was busy with the medbay as well as Erik, Dick was being threatened by his. And it wasn’t like Svetlana really was one to open up to people to begin with. And while Anatoly had let it slide for the most part, knew not to push, today he was insistent that she be around people. As if that would make the memories less painful. As if that would help. It wasn’t even the day itself, but everything had been piling up and she was cracking to anyone who knew what to look for. So Anatoly had decided she needed to be around people today and most likely tomorrow as well.
She could have gone to Helena, yes. She understood that loss. But between her having time with Christina and no one knowing how long that would last, as well as Myka’s catatonic state, Svetlana couldn’t bring herself to bother Helena. Not with this. Not now. When she had finally thrown her hands up in defeat and told Anatoly she’d go, she had meant it. But by the time she left the complex, the blond had changed her mind. Instead, she just headed to the cross section where the girls had been shot, sitting on one of the benches and staring straight ahead.
Now Dmitri was worried. He had been in Lawrence for a week and a half. He knew his sister and he knew she was hurting. He also could tell that she had people here who cared about her, who she cared about in return... something she never let herself have back home, yet she still didn’t go to them. And he could see that something had happened between her and Anatoly in the time he had missed since dying.
So depending on the day and her present mood, Dmitri adjusted. Sometimes taunting her, messing with her to distract her. To try and get a smile. But he could tell even now that doing so wouldn’t work. Not today. He didn’t know the details of what was upsetting her, but it was obvious to anyone who knew what to look for beneath the ice persona that she was hurting. A lot.
“Care to tell me what’s got you so upset? I know it can’t be my presence. I’d be sad if it were.”
Hearing the question, Svetlana blinked and looked to where Dmitri was sitting. It was still strange knowing he was around. She knew it wouldn’t last. This was just the whim of the apocalypse. Death was the theory. But being upset by Dmitri’s presence? They both knew that would never be the case even if losing him again would hurt.
“I’m--”
“Not fine. Sveta, I know you. Annoying, but hey, older brother. Comes with the territory.”
And where Erik would let her ignore, let her focus on different things, chess mostly, Dmitri was annoying and pushed. Just like Anatoly. She’d almost think that her husband put Dmitri up to this except for the fact Anatoly couldn’t see him. That and Anatoly had pushed her to go see Helena.
“Nothing you can help with. Just memories.”
And so Svetlana was going to be stubborn. She wasn’t denying something was wrong but she still wasn’t talking about it. Of course. That was something...
“Well they’re upsetting you. And you have friends so talk to someone. Or you know, Anatoly.”
Rolling her eyes at Dmitri, Svetlana went back to staring at the street.
“Only one actually understands and she has enough going on right now.”
“She’s your friend, I doubt she cares if you go to her when you’re upset.”
“She might not, but I’m not adding to that, I’m not reminding her that her daughter is going to leave when you go. Not to mention the person who knows her best is catatonic.”
At that, Dmitri just sighed. Leave it to Svetlana, the woman who feared personal connections, to make friendships but still be afraid to utilize them.
“So you have to be strong on your own. Pretty certain we’ve been through this, Sveta. And what about Anatoly? Something happened with the two of you.”
“Life happened. You can’t fix that, either”
That sounded like a challenge to Dmitri if there ever was one. Too bad she was right this time around. He couldn’t interact with his brother-in-law, which meant he couldn’t set up a kidnapping to make Svetlana face things with Anatoly there. And he was already running on borrowed time.
“Okay. So, I can’t do what I did in Moscow. But you know he loves you. So why are you keeping him at bay? Don’t deny it, you are. If this is about the girls.. he’s their father, I’m certain he feels the same things you do.”
Closing her eyes, Svetlana took a breath, staring at where the girls had been shot.
“He wasn’t here... he doesn’t... He can imagine but he didn’t live it. The only reason they’re still.... the only reason they’re still alive is because the Seal decided to bring them back.”
That was unexpected. Dmitri had been making connections but to hear Svetlana say what it was, that the girls really had died... and that Anatoly hadn’t been there.
“Was anyone here?”
“An alternate him. One who hated me... I didn’t have friends then...”
No wonder she was having issues...
“Oh Sveta...” Sighing, Dmitri placed his arm around Svetlana’s shoulders, pulling her close and kissing her temple. It was all he could do. His sister never accepted help, he still didn’t know the details on just what had caused that, just that she had always held things in. Anatoly had been different, she let him in... And even now, knowing she was with him, Svetlana was trying to hold on.
“It’s okay to let your feelings out, you know...” Yes, he’d used this logic on Svetlana before. He had tried before to get her to express her feelings, cry, shout, whatever it was she needed to do in order to process the pain she was feeling.
“So people tell me.”
“And yet you don’t believe them. Even though after years of keeping everyone at arms length, you’ve let people in. I’ve seen you here. You care about people, take care of them. And not just Anatoly or the girls.... I’m not being smug. Okay maybe a little. But if you can do that, why can’t you let people do so for you?”
Svetlana didn’t have an answer for that. She knew that on a subconscious level, she was still afraid. She knew that Anatoly’s betrayal, his defection, it had painted her view on trusting people. Yes, when he was around, she was more open to the possibility. Once she had let him in more, she had been more open to forming friendships with people. She was willing to be there for those she cared about, yet... she still didn’t want to let them in. Maybe it was part of this world, knowing that they could be taken at any moment like Anya had been. Like Darcy had been before she’d been brought back and things were awkward. But she knew this was a chance at life she didn’t have in Moscow. As for Anatoly...
Well, they were working on things. She was still afraid of letting him in. Yes, it had taken a week to let him in when she had found out Dmitri was dying, when he died... but she had let him be there. But they both knew in this he didn’t understand completely since the Anatoly that had been here had destroyed her emotionally by the insults and fights and blame. She knew it wasn’t her husband but he had still been able to leave before... And he was hiding something from her. Him and Helena.
Was that part of why she wasn’t going to the Victorian woman? Maybe. Subconsciously perhaps. But she really didn’t want to add her own stress to Helena right now.
“I survived everything that’s happened to me, Dmitri... while they happened. The memories are just being difficult...”
“So talk to someone. Holding things in will just make you sick.”
Looking down, Svetlana sighed. How could she explain when she really couldn’t figure it out herself.
“Sveta, you’ve come so far from the girl who refused to let people in but you’re still holding yourself back. Just.. think about it. You aren’t incapable of letting people in.... you just need to make that step to be willing to talk to people when you are upset.”
Why did Dmitri have to have a point? Beyond the fact that he was Dmitri and he always did that. He pushed her to let Anatoly in. He knew what she needed when she herself didn’t. So instead she just trembled as the pain of everything that had happened while in the alternate Moscow, of losing the girls. It was strange being comforted by a ghost, but it was Lawrence, did things here ever really make sense?
The fact that she was letting herself show the pain even in some small way was a good step. Because it meant she listened. It meant that he could leave now. He doubted she would suddenly open up but even if she acknowledged even this, perhaps it would help.
Dmitri stayed as they were for awhile before sighing.
“You know I have to go back, right? I’m not going to be here to fix things.”
“I know...”
And it was the future children all over again. Get used to them. But then they leave because this wasn’t their time, their universe... And the ghosts couldn’t stay forever. Everyone know that. But that didn’t mean Svetlana had to like it. Because Dmitri had always been the one who pushed when everyone else stopped. It was annoying but sometimes necessary.
“I’m going today. I’ll stay as long as I can but today is it.”
And so Svetlana nodded. The difference was at least this time she knew when it would happen. Perhaps not the exact minute, but tomorrow, she would be without her brother again. And things would go back to their normal. Just like always.