"How? How am I supposed to.." His voice trailed off shakily as he sipped at his tea and closed his eyes. Tea was one of the few things that soothed him anymore from the hurt. Tea and Rose. To the others he felt like a bother, but Rose kept reminding him that he was not. Even though he doubted this occasionally she didn't leave him. He wanted to talk to Florence, but she was off in Russia. He partially wondered if it was his fault, and then he remembered Freddie. Freddie was in a Chess tournament there. The timing was shit. John wanted to see Florence, but having Rose around was also putting him a little more at ease.
Resting his head back against the couch he looked at her tiredly. "Dun how much more of this I can handle."He was trying to be strong. Trying to be the man Rose and her father thought he was, but with Moriarty staring down his neck he wasn't sure it was possible. He felt ready to break into a million pieces knowing he was behind them trapped in a circle of salt. Just one thin see through barrier between them. A reminder of all the hurt and pain he caused. He was ready to cry, but he couldn't all the same. Wouldn't with Moriarty there.
He'd already let him win once and let him see just how drunk he could get to forget the pain, but this ghost was taking it's toll on John Watson. Draining what little happiness he was regaining over the last few days with Rose practically attached to his flat.
Then there was that question. Did he deserve to be happy? He couldn't save Sherlock. So loyal and he couldn't save the person who meant the world to him. What if the same thing happened to Rose? Moriarty had told him they would all leave. He couldn't bare to lose her too. The idea was crushingly painful. He placed his hand on his face and rubbed it tiredly.
It was almost as if the dog sensed his distress and tried to nip at his hand when he put it back down on his lap nervously. Moriarty had shot him, taken away his best friend twice, and was now draining his soul. It was almost like he'd been the one burned in the end instead of Sherlock.