Who: Helena and ghost!Christina What: In which an eight year old tells her mother it's okay to move on and live her life and brings closure that Helena's needed for 120 years. When: Earlier this evening Where: Her bedroom Warnings: By reading this you will suffer emotional death by feels. Status: Narrative; complete
So yes, Helena probably should have kept her mouth shut until the ghosts were gone, but she couldn't exactly sit on the knowledge that the Astrolabe had been used to undo the destruction of the Warehouse. Now, she didn't have issue with the Warehouse being restored as it meant she was alive. Her issue was with what artifact was used. Oh she knew which artifacts could manipulate time, at least as far as the known artifacts and their effects in 1899 went. She'd documented them all when she'd been searching for a way to save Christina. Yes, she would've used the Astrolabe herself had she found it within 24 hours of Christina's death, but she wouldn't have been acting rationally at that point. Right now in her rational mind? She wouldn't use it. The downside of such an artifact was far too great, and she knew there were other artifacts out there that could undo what had been done without paying such a huge price. Though with those other artifacts, she'd most likely still be dead, but that wasn't the point.
And now Myka kept insisting she spend time with Christina and that Claudia and Steve could help her with Alice. Really, how was that fair? Myka had been there pretty much all day every day when Moriarty had started his game with her. Hell, Myka had even slept in the same bed as her on occasion when her nightmares were at their worst. Of course, she knew Myka just wanted her to have this opportunity with Christina and to not have to add it to the rather large pile of should haves she had in her life. But still, she wanted to help Myka because she could see the stress the younger agent was under due to Alice's presence. Helena hadn't been there when Alice had trapped Myka in the mirror and hijacked her body, she'd only heard that second-hand, but that didn't mean she couldn't be there for her.
After putting Emily down for a nap, Helena decided the best course of action was to take a bath. Relaxing was needed, although she knew she wouldn't stay relaxed for long. Going into her bathroom, she drew water for a bath. Pulling her hair up, she slid into the water and just let herself relax a bit, closing her eyes. She tried her best to clear her mind. She remained there for about half an hour before she got out, dried herself off and pulled her robe on, then drained the water from the tub. Walking back into her bedroom, she pulled her hair down and shook it out, taking a deep breath. She put the hair tie in its proper place in her vanity. When she turned towards the bed, she saw Christina sitting there. It was still slightly disconcerting to see the girl, but Helena smiled.
"Hello, love," she greeted. "Mind if I join you?"
"Not at all, mummy." Christina smiled up at her. Helena slid onto the bed, propping a couple pillows up against the headboard before she leaned back against them. Christina shifted up to sit beside her mother and looked up at her. "I like Emily."
Helena blinked a bit in surprise at the comment, but she smiled. "I thought you would. She is a wonderful little girl." Helena opened her arms to Christina, who slid closer and snuggled into them.
"But you haven't fully let her into your heart. You're still guarded." Now that statement truly gave Helena pause. After all, hadn't she finally let Emily into her heart?
"What do you mean, love?" Helena was rather confused on this matter. It also seemed a bit strange that the ghost of an eight year old girl was informing her of this. But there were times when things didn't happen in a rational way, so she would just go with this.
"I have seen the way you interact with her. It's not the same way you interacted with me. There's still a distance there. And I think it's because of me." Christina looked up at her mother, dark eyes so filled with wisdom beyond her years. Yet it didn't surprise Helena in the slightest. Christina had been a very bright girl, much like she had been.
At Christina's words, Helena thought about it. Did she act differently with Emily than she had with Christina? She hadn't given it much thought. Certainly her maternal side was there, her love for the child. It was hard to think back over nearly one hundred and thirty years to compare how she'd raised Christina with how she was raising Emily currently. There was a lot between the two events that marred her life. But she was certain she was doing everything right. Though the more she thought about it, the more she wondered if Christina was right. How long had she held onto her long lost daughter? She knew she was dead and there was no bringing her back, yet she still clung to her. Remembering all the years she'd spent Bronzed, Christina had been foremost on her mind that entire time.
Was Helena afraid of letting go? Of course she was. If she hadn't been afraid to let go, she wouldn't have done all of the evil things she'd done. She would've been able to accept the course of events long ago. In Helena's mind, letting go of Christina still held a strong connection to losing her altogether, and the Victorian woman really couldn't handle that. Yes there was a very definitely difference between letting go and losing someone, but Helena wasn't exactly rational when it came to Christina. She knew she needed to try and heal, but she still didn't know if she ever could heal. One never truly healed from the loss of a child, no matter how much time passed.
Drawing in a slow, steadying breath, Helena tried to keep her tears at bay as she looked at her daughter. "Perhaps you are right. I have not let go of you nor have I let myself grieve. Until now." A sad smile curved her lips momentarily. "I have done a great many horrible things in the wake of your death, love. I am still struggling with a lot of it, truthfully. Sometimes I even wonder if I deserve this chance at life. For a while, all I wished for was death so I could join you."
Listening to her mother, Christina looked at her sadly. Was she disappointed? It was hard to tell. She knew how much her mother loved her and she knew her mother was a great woman, but to hear she'd done bad things after her death? Christina didn't like hearing that. She may only be eight years old, but Christina knew many things, and she'd read a lot and been read to a lot by her mother. The world could be a cruel place, such as she'd experienced when she'd died.
"Even though you've done horrible things, you are still my mother and I still love you, and you deserve this chance at life." Of course, Christina really didn't know the extent of what her mother had been through in their world. But she still could see the woman before her was still very much her mother, just less optimistic and sadder, but at her core, she was the same woman.
At Christina's words, Helena couldn't hold back her tears and she hugged her daughter close to her. "Oh love, I wish I knew how to live. I am afraid of losing you, and I don't want to lose you again."
"Mummy, you know I'm not here, I don't belong here. But when I do have to leave, you aren't losing me. You never can lose me because you keep me in your heart. But you need to fully let Emily into it if you want to heal." It was still strange for Christina to talk this way, but she was just going with it. "You're strong, mummy, and you can do this. You have people who care about you that will support you. Let them help you. Through that, you will find your way again, and it's okay for you to move on. We had our time together, but that has long since passed. Now it's your time to have Emily and to live. I want you to live and be happy."
And that was precisely when Helena broke down, clinging to her daughter. It was so very difficult for her to feel she deserved this chance at life after the kind of life she'd led for the better part of the past one hundred and twenty years. She still believed that there were things that time couldn't erase or heal, but she had to believe she could get through some of it. Hell, she all ready had come through so much. Yes she was still picking herself back up after everything Moriarty had put her through and then facing her pain where it had started, but she was making progress. She had people that genuinely cared about her and she had people that she genuinely cared about. People she loved. It was hard to see sometimes because the pain became so potent that there were times she just buried herself into one of her projects to take the edge away.
Helena didn't know how long she'd spent crying and clinging to Christina, but she finally calmed down enough to where she could speak again. "I want to be happy," was the only response she had. And really, she did. She wanted the life that had been denied to her for so long. She wanted the chance to experience loving someone and being loved in return. She wanted to raise Emily and watch her grow. She wanted so much, and now that she was in a world where she had a completely fresh start, she wanted to embrace it and live it to its fullest.
"Everything will be all right, mummy. It's okay to let go of me because I will never truly be gone." Christina took one of her mother's hands in both of hers and squeezed it. "Let Emily in, and remember your friends, and you will be all right."
Helena nodded, then fell silent for a few moments. There was still more she needed to say. "I am sorry, Christina. I tried to save you, but I was too late."
"What do you mean? You were in London, mummy."
"Physically yes. A few years after your death, I built a time machine and used it to try and save you, to undo what was done. But I failed."
Christina was taken aback by that statement. "You...tried to save me? How?"
"I...was Sophie. It's complicated to explain but the night before you died and that morning, that was me." Helena took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. "When I lost you, I changed. I was filled with a hate unlike anything I've ever felt. I hated the men who took you from me. I hated the Warehouse for what it had changed me into. Tempering that hate, that anger, is so difficult, and I most days I feel I lose that battle with myself."
Christina listened. She'd gotten the story of the Warehouse all ready, when Helena had explained Emily to her. "So that's why you still have some distance with Emily. Your anger because of my death." Helena nodded.
"It's why I can't control myself when I'm confronted with the memory of your death. Those feelings just take over and I can't control them." Helena said, lowering her gaze. Christina gently squeezed Helena's hand.
"Perhaps you're using the wrong way of coping?" Christina suggested, all ready knowing Helena probably knew that all ready, but it wouldn't hurt to remind her. Helena looked back up at Christina, knowing her daughter had a point.
"I know. But it is hard to find the right way to deal with the feelings." At that point, Helena heard Emily cry. Sliding from her bed, she left her room and crossed over to Emily's room, picking the girl up gently. "Shhh, it's all right, love, mummy's here," she said, rocking her and rubbing her back soothingly. Grabbing Emily's blanket, she went back into her room, rocking Emily until she stopped crying. Christina watched the whole thing and smiled warmly.
"Think of Emily, and think of me. That is the answer you're looking for." Christina said with a warm smile.
Helena stopped rocking, looking at Christina for some moments in shock, but then she smiled. "You know, I do believe you're right, love." She went and sat down on the edge of her bed, keeping a supporting arm around Emily, she wrapped her other one around Christina and held her close. She gently kissed the top of Christina's head, then she kissed Emily's, holding them both close to her with tears in her eyes. "My girls. I love you both."
"I love you too, mummy." Christina said with a warm smile and hugged her mother back.
Things would be all right. It would still take time, and Helena still refused to think of when the ghosts would disappear. But at least now, she'd had this talk with Christina. It had helped more than she thought it would've. Helena just kept holding both of her daughters, rocking back and forth with them for a while, not wanting to let either of them go. But she knew she needed to start letting go of Christina, but she would always have her memories, and she would have Emily. Things would get better, and Helena would keep ensuring she worked at it. She wanted to do Christina proud. She wanted to do Emily proud. But most of all, Helena wanted to do herself proud.